


Turn Your Scars into Stars

by Floranna



Series: Scars [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Assassins & Hitmen, Attempted Murder, Blood, Child Death, Eventual Happy Ending, Gen, Graphic Description of Injuries, Injury, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Near Drowning, Past Child Abuse, Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Trans Female Pidge | Katie Holt, Unintended misgendering, Violence, Vomiting, but not enough to put up a paring tag, hints of klance, mind trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-05-24 21:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14962595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floranna/pseuds/Floranna
Summary: Losing Lance nearly destroyed them. So when they found out that maybe he wasn't quite as dead as they imagined, they wouldn't let anything stand on their way of getting him back.Except nothing in Lance was even slightly familiar.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> First (well, completed) chapter fic. Of course it was for a very demanding Voltron Supernova Bigbang. ^^' Thank you mods, you have been amazing! Also thank my my wonderful beta mnemnems!
> 
> This fic was started before season 5, so some differences will occur. This is a series, so when I get to the sequels, the differences will be far more apparent. Biggest right now is that clone!Shiro is a good man and he took the name Ryou and is part of the whole group.
> 
> I made a playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIBu2YbdOp5jklYO5VShhWMpe77pNakdw  
> You may notice some degree of variation in my taste of music. ^^

_**Prologue** _

Lance stood in the command room and tried very hard to concentrate on the mission. It was not like it was anything too complicated, as they had been doing dozens of similar missions after their success/near-disaster at Naxzela. Even when you added up the usual ‘oh, everything just went completely wrong and we are all going to die,’ this mission really didn’t need this type if droning Shiro and Allura seemed to insist on.

“And Lance, you will be with Pidge and Hunk, infiltrating the ship. Try to find anything you can about this new quintessence, and if you can, bring a sample this time.”

So, again, nothing new under the sun. Several suns. Stars. Whatever. Fly inside the cloaked green lion, sneak in, guard Pidge and Hunk while they do her hacking and his sabotage thing and hopefully find something useful while Allura and Shiro are in their lions, hiding and coming to rescue if needed. Easy-peasy.

Except that they hadn’t found anything even remotely important the last two times and what, the third time was a charm?

Allura and Shiro didn’t seem to like his opinion on this. Whoops.

***

Sitting in a Lion when someone else was flying never felt anything but awkward. Pidge’s flying was much closer to Red’s, with some details taken from Blue, but all together...odd. And uncomfortable. Even after all this time it was hard to remember that they were actually cloaked, and that no one was going to see them.

Also, Pidge didn’t appreciate his backseat piloting.

Approaching the Galra ship was always nerve-wracking, no matter how many times they had already done it. He was grabbing the back of the pilot’s chair hard enough to vaguely worry about breaking something, and Pidge was most likely going to give herself a migraine, witnessing her look of concentration. Hunk was swallowing nervously next to him, but also stayed quiet.

The lion landed with a thud, and they waited for a dobosh for any type of reaction from the Galra. When nothing happened, they all closed their helmets and left.

It was always odd to not hear anything when they were carefully cutting a hole at the ship’s side, while also creating a momentary bubble shield so that the air inside the ship would not start to escape. All his instincts told him that it should make a horrendous noise, but the only thing he heard was his own breathing and low cussing from Pidge while Hunk was concentrating, a little tip of his tongue poking out. It was also terribly boring, so he promptly opened the channel.

“Why couldn’t Matt be here instead? He knows hacking!”

Shiro’s answering sigh was so loud that Lance was half sure it had penetrated the emptiness of space.

“Because we can’t put all of our hackers and engineers in the same place. You know this Lance.”

“Or I could be flying Red and, y’know, creating diversions and not getting hit?”

The annoyance in Shiro’s voice was obvious. “But that’s not very true, is it?”

Lance flinched in surprise and swallowed hard. Pidge raised her head in surprise and even Hunk and Allura made a stunned noise.

There was a thread of guilt at Shiro’s voice when he continued: “Just… concentrate on the mission and we will talk afterwards.”

Lance steeled himself, trying to swallow down the sudden wobbliness and said, “Roger that,” and closed the channel from everyone else except Hunk and Pidge. Shiro and Allura had emergency overrides in case of, well, emergency, but otherwise no one would hear them now.

Finally, the hole was finished and the probably heavy piece of metal slowly floating away. Lance slithered in quickly, Pidge nearly at his heels and Hunk bringing up the rear. They were lucky, there were no sentries or cameras. Lance pulled out his bayard, it transformed to his regular assault rifle form and Pidge followed his example. Hunk kept his still on his hip, unwilling to carry around something so heavy until it was needed. They started to walk deeper in to the ship, Pidge activating her scrambler so that they wouldn’t be spotted by the cameras.

It was quiet, but not enough to be suspicious. They had to duck into cover once when they saw a sentry, but luckily, they managed to not be spotted. When they finally found a computer screen in a small room, Pidge rushed towards it, pulling out her own miniature computer while Hunk pulled the panel off.

Lance didn’t even have time to get bored when Pidge let out a low curse and said, “I can’t access anything meaningful from here, they are using different servers.”

Hunk groaned and Lance wrinkled his nose. “Isn’t that really inefficient?”

Pidge huffed out a laugh. “For us, yeah. We need to find some other computer.”

“No rest for the wicked, eh?”

Pidge rolled her eyes and they continued forward.

When they reached another computer, Hunk once again removing the panel next to it and Pidge started to do her magic. Soon after, she swore and said, “Guys, we have a problem.”

“Oh no,” Lance said flatly, making Pidge snort.

“Who is surprised? Not me.” said Hunk, even raising his hand.

“I can access the map of the ship here, but this ship is a maze. We could never search enough of it if we stay together.”

“So, separating?” Hunk looked vaguely nauseous.

Lance hummed, brow furrowing. “Can you find out how many people and sentries are on board?”

Pidge’s fingers flew on her keyboard. “This ship is a cargo vessel, so minimum manning and only few sentries. Some people seem to have army experience beyond the usual Galra training, but not many. Or at least it’s not flagged.”

Lance breathed in, trying not to think that they were basically in a ship with what passed for Galra civilians and nodded. “Okay, let’s split off. Continuous contact, tell immediately if you find something interesting or get attacked. Keep the trackers on and Hunk, inform Shiro and Allura, and Pidge -”

Pidge stood up, looking at him intently, “- give both of us one of those hacking USBs.”

Pidge gave out an affronted noise. “It’s not a USB, it doesn’t even have USB port!”

“No time for that. Be prepared to hack the doors me and Hunk find. Let’s walk.”

Quickly they found separate corridors and soon Lance was walking alone. He tried to keep his ears sharp for any kind of noise, but the whole ship was starting to feel far too quiet. Occasionally he heard Hunk and Pidge’s muttering or Hunk’s request of her opening some door, but otherwise? Nothing. All the doors he opened were into food storage areas or one memorable occasion, private rooms with an obvious sex toy on top of the bed. He was starting to wonder what logic Galra ships had if those were mixed up together.

So when he found a big, heavy-looking door with purple lines he was feeling hopeful. It looked way different from what he had seen in the ship before, and was obviously important.

“Hey Pidge, another door for you. Might be on to something.”

Pidge groaned, “I swear, if there is another dildo there, I will fry you if you describe it.”

“It was the most interesting thing here that any of us have seen!”

“Yeah, but I didn’t need to know how many ridges there were!”

“Guys, guys…” Hunk’s voice sounded to his ear, mildly reproachful.

“Okay, plug yourself in.”

Lance may have not been a mechanic or a computer whiz of Pidge and Hunk’s scale, but he had taken Garrison’s mandatory classes on those subjects. It was also amazing what he could learn from them, even if most of it flew high over his head.

It did not take long for him to find the right panel and plug the not-USB in. He could hear Pidge’s concerned hum after a few seconds. “It’s under heavy encryption, but even after that… there is no description whatsoever what is inside.”

A cold feeling started to claim Lance’s inside. “I have seen no guards, Galra or sentries on my way here.”

“A trap?” an edge of steel came to Hunk’s voice.

“Maybe,” Lance chewed on his lip, thinking. “Pidge, open the door, but both of you start to walk in my direction. I will tell you if there is nothing to worry about.”

“Roger that.”

It took her a bit longer, plus some imaginative cuss words, but finally the door opened with a low whoosh. Lance kept his gun up, but there was no noise so he walked in and blinked in astonishment. The room was long and narrow, nearly looking like a regular corridor, but with long, wide pipes running from the ceiling towards the back of the room. There was a big screen and huge containers of yellow, a bit greenish, shining liquid. He walked towards them and carefully knocked on one. It started to spiral immediately, and Lance gave an alarmed sound, hoping that it wouldn’t explode.

“What? What is it?” Hunk’s anxious voice penetrated his ear and he finally remembered that he was supposed to inform the other two. He started to talk, opening the channel also to Allura and Shiro.

“I found a quintessence storage. Is it supposed to be green?”

Allura’s sharp breath alarmed all of them, and she continued quickly, “Regular quintessence is, as you know, yellow, and the one Galra generally use is purple. What Lotor has informed us is that the concentrated type tends to be white, slightly bluish, but I have never heard of green. Coran?”

“Actually, it’s a sign of long-stored quintessence that has reached its volatile state. Be very careful!” it was always nerve-wracking to hear Coran’s voice devoid of his usual humour, and Pidge’s interruption was a relief, “Are there any computers you could plug me into?”

“Yeah, hold on,” he fiddled a bit until he found the right place to stick the USB in and heard Pidge’s confirmation that the data was transmitting. He wandered around, sticking his nose nearly to the glass of the quintessence canisters, but made sure that he didn’t touch them.

Suddenly the lights dimmed and the quintessence began to bubble in all of the canisters. Lance immediately went to the centre of the room, holding his bayard and frantically speaking, “Pidge, something is happening.”

The terror in Pidge’s voice made him nearly freeze. “Oh no, get out of there, I activated the self-destruct, GET OUT!”

Lance did not stop for more, running towards the door, but it had closed behind him and now he couldn’t get it open himself. He slammed his fist against it, but it was of no use.

“I need you to open the door,” his voice was wobbling and his mouth was dry, but his eyes were wet. Lance tried to not to think about the irony of that.

“I am trying, it’s not, it’s not –“

She was scared. She was so young and small and scared and Lance tried to keep his voice calm, “You can do it, I know you.” The quintessence was starting to shine, and the bubbling was so heavy that he thought the canisters would burst any tick now.

“It’s not working! I can’t stop it! I need to stop it to open the door!”

Everything went sharp and paradoxically calm. The knowledge that she wouldn’t be quick enough to do it filled him and made him stand still.

“Pidge, Pidge, it’s not your fault.” The words rushed out of his mouth and he could only hope that she could hear them over her and Hunk’s panicked yelling. The glow was getting bright enough to hurt his eyes and whatever little skin he was showing, and he feebly raised his arms, trying to protect his face. Shiro and Allura and Coran were yelling something, but he couldn’t make out what. “Hunk –“

Then there was a sudden heat and Lance was gone.

***

Pidge screamed. She couldn’t stop screaming. The computer connection had been severed and it felt like someone had come and ripped a piece from her chest in one violent strike. She was holding her equipment, sitting on the floor and screaming.

Somewhere distantly she could hear yelling and tearing of metal. Something yellow came in to her view, but her eyes were having trouble refocusing. That something, someone took her helmet off and slapped her.

Pidge blinked, eyes on the wall next to her where the slap had turned her head. It hadn’t been a hard slap, and when she turned her head back she could see Hunk’s face. There was a bit of vomit on his jaw and the look on his face made her feel cold inside.

“Can you walk?” the voice was brusque, making her flinch. She couldn’t even start to build up enough brain function to answer, so Hunk just nodded and lifted her into a fireman’s carry. She thought that maybe she should protest, but her throat was starting to hurt.

Hunk stood up and started to run. The ship was shaking and she could hear explosions further away. No one saw them, and when they got out, near to her Green lion, she was starting to feel more… mobile. Less shocky. Able to get into her lion without being carried, anyways.

Sitting in the pilot’s seat had never felt like this. Green was stilted, sombre. No more of her endless curiosity, or her simple joy of having a paladin as inquisitive as her.

Hunk nudged her, and Pidge mechanically directed Green to fly away. She was preparing to speed away, when she saw Blue. The other lion was flying directly towards the ship, and smashed against it with a force that Pidge could’ve sworn made the Galra ship move. Pidge could feel the realisation penetrate her half-fugue state. Lance was – But Blue was going to avenge him. Allura was yelling something about Blue moving against her will, but Pidge didn’t care. Red hot anger flooded her chest and she screamed. This was not like the usual screams of joy and excitement she had made inside the ship, this was a scream of anger and rage. She was going to tear them apart and leave no trace for anyone to find. Hunk was holding on to her shoulders, but he wasn’t trying to make her stop, and was urging her on.

Together, she and Blue attacked the Galra ship. There were no signs of exterior damage from the explosion, making her feel even angrier. Part of her wished that the thing that had killed Lance would have hurt them too. If the explosion didn’t she would just have to do it herself.

With her spouting out vines and Blue icing them, and together shooting lasers, they tore up the ship into pieces. Shiro managed to join towards the end, but he only had to tear down some bigger parts, the rest had been destroyed by her and Blue.

She was genuinely starting to think on how to do the space version of pissing on its grave, when Shiro’s voice came out of the coms.

“Three battle-cruisers approaching, disengage and come to the castle.”

Allura sounded panicky, very unlike what Pidge ever heard her be. “I don’t know if I can, Blue isn’t listening to me!”

“Pidge, fly in and maybe Blue will start to follow.”

Pidge tried to stomp down on her bloodlust and very grudgingly started to fly towards the castle. From the sigh of relief she could hear from Allura, Blue did seem to follow them.

When they finally got into the castle, Hunk ran out of Green and stood in the hangar, basically vibrating with tension. Pidge followed him, every step careful. She felt like one wrong move would make her shatter. She stood next to Hunk, but neither of them spoke.

Allura and Shiro landed safely and Coran immediately activated the wormhole jump. The Blue and Black lions lowered their heads simultaneously, letting Allura and Shiro out. Allura looked like she was holding back tears with enormous effort, but Shiro was blank. His body was loose, with no tension and he walked like nothing was wrong. Pidge could feel her rage rising up again, but Hunk was faster than her. He rushed towards Shiro, and promptly punched him in the face with a wordless yell. Shiro fell on the floor from the force of it, and Hunk followed him, continuing to hit him. He was yelling something in his mother language, and Pidge didn’t understand why the translators in the ship wouldn’t, well, translate it. And Shiro was just lying there, not fighting back.

“What kind of – valea – idea was it to break up! You alelo! If we hadn’t he would still be alive!”

Allura was rushing towards them, making Pidge unfreeze and finally grab onto Hunk, trying to make him stop. But Hunk was a living embodiment of the Yellow lion, big, and more importantly, strong. He didn’t even seem to notice her, still hitting Shiro. Allura grabbed him from his collar and pulled him off, throwing him at the other side of the room without breaking a sweat.

“Kefe alu ese! He would still, still be –” and then he broke down with heavy, ugly crying. Pidge looked quickly at Shiro, but Allura seemed to have him so she walked towards Hunk and carefully enveloped him in a hug. He gave out a loud sob and hugged her back, hard enough to make her ribs creak. Her eyes started to leak too, and her face felt tight and hot.

Then Coran came into the room, looking older, heavier and slightly sweaty. He had probably run from the command centre. Even his moustache was drooping and his hair was an ugly mess. He seemed surprised to see the positions they were in, with two groups faraway from each other and Shiro bleeding from his nose and split lip.

“What… happened?” His voice was careful, like he was considering his every word. No one looked him in the eyes, unwilling to answer. Then he seemed to notice the blood on Hunk’s knuckles and slumped lower, looking like an old man. Pidge was too overwhelmed to feel any shame or anymore guilt for this, so she closed it from her mind.

Shiro stood up quickly, waving off Allura’s help. “I need to contact Keith to – let him know.”

Hunk snarled, rage flashing from his tear bloated face. “Replacing Lance that fast?”

Shiro didn’t seem to even hear him, and walked briskly away. Pidge didn’t stop to think, and untangled herself from Hunk’s grip and ran to Shiro, grabbing his arm and making him turn. When she saw his face, she flinched. The emptiness she had witnessed before was back and it was terrifying. He didn’t even look like he recognized her, and when she let him go in shock, he just turned and continued to walk away. When he got to the doors, they opened, revealing a worried Matt.

Matt tried to stop Shiro, same as her, but again, Shiro didn’t react. In the end, Matt let go, fear twisting his expression. When Shiro was out of the hearing range, Matt looked at them and asked, voice wavering slightly, “What happened?”

Pidge rushed towards him, burying her face against his chest like she was just a little kid again. The sorrow and terror clogged up her throat. Matt started to pet her hair and Pidge knew when the realisation hit him. “Where is Lance?”

“He – he was – there was an explosion – and he…” Hunk’s voice was breaking up, but then he gained a new wind. “And Shiro doesn’t even care!”

Coran enveloped him in a big hug, making an excellent impression of a clingy koala. “He does care, number two. For some people, the shock just comes… later than others.”

Pidge couldn’t manage any extra energy to care about that, and only held Matt tighter.

They stayed there, Allura getting closer to Hunk and Coran to be part of the hug too. Everyone knew that something would now be forever gone and none of them knew what to really do about it. Even Shiro going missing hadn’t felt like this.

***

Keith walked in to the Communications Centre. He had been feeling odd for several vargas and could not point out why. It felt like an endless emptiness had come inside him and it made him sick and angry. He had been trying to get rid of it by fighting some other Blade members in the training room, but that hadn’t helped at all. When he had received Kolivan’s call to come here, he had almost ignored it.

Several screens were on, showing endless updates of the Empire’s movements. Kolivan was standing in front of one of the smaller ones and he could see Shiro on the screen. He looked like he had come from a big fight, with a still slightly bleeding nose, split lips and multiple beginnings of bruises. An edge of… something slithered in. It felt like dread. He had talked with Shiro and rest of the team after leaving the castle, but they had only ever used his own personal communications screen, not one of these.

And Shiro looked… odd. Even beyond the bruises.

“Thank you Kolivan. I am sorry, but I would really prefer to give this news to Keith in private.”

It was definitely dread that flooded him, especially when Kolivan only nodded and left the room.

He stood in front of the screen, feeling vaguely sick. Shiro was looking unsteady, staring somewhere past him and a horrified suspicion started to overwhelm Keith’s mind.

Shiro cleared his throat: “There is no easy way to say this, but… Lance is dead.”

All of the sneaking fears grew, crushing every thought in his mind. He couldn’t speak, could barely think.

“H-how?”

Shiro explained haltingly what had happened, but nothing made sense.

“I - we need you – “

Keith could hardly believe it. Lance was dead and he was only worrying about Voltron?

“You mean, you need Voltron,” he could taste iron on his tongue when he spat out those words.

“NO!”

Keith flinched in surprise. Shiro rarely yelled, and he had never looked as strange as now. ‘Broken’ a voice whispered in his head.

“We- I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you too…” Shiro was crying. Keith couldn’t remember the last time he had seen him cry. And it wasn’t just a few tears, but wracking, heavy sobs and snot. He was raising his hand, covering his face and just shaking.

Keith didn’t know what to do. Lance was dead and Shiro was crying.

“I can’t – not you too – you are my brother...”

 

 

Any other time those words would have filled him with warmth, but right now he couldn’t even figure out what to say to the most important person in his life. He could feel tears slide down his cheeks. He had gotten used to death with the Blades but this was… too close. Too important, no matter how cruel that thought was towards the various Blade members who had sacrificed their lives.

And Lance was… Lance. Keith could feel a panic rise in his chest and he swallowed, trying to keep it down. Questions ran through his head. How had he died? Did it hurt? Was it quick?

…Did he think of him?

Keith pinched his side, angry at himself. That didn’t matter. It wasn’t important.

“I – I will come back. I will tell Kolivan.”

Shiro let out a last sob and nodded. His face looked like a mess when he logged out, leaving Keith to stare at the blank screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may notice that Lotor has been hand-waved away. That's because I didn't know what role he would play after season 4, and wanted to concentrate on other characters as if he was there, he would take all the attention, that drama queen. (I am very sympathetic towards him and hurt and angry over what writers did to him. I will also answer harshly to any ship or character hate.)
> 
> Lots of people make Lance drop pieces of Spanish while speaking, but not Samoan with Hunk. I know it's because Samoan has less speakers than Spanish and so on, but I wanted Hunk to use at least a bit. I am not Samoan, I do not speak Samoan, but I tried to find some insults and cuss words for him (as he is very upset and angry). If you see that I use them wrongly, please tell me and I will edit them.
> 
> My artists were awesome Bluaroz, boredbeingregular and sonderquill.
> 
> The arts for this chapter were made by (in this order):  
> Sonderquill: https://sonderquill.tumblr.com/post/175007593834/heartbreak-my-piece-for-the-vldsupernovabang-i  
> Bluaroz: https://bluaroz.tumblr.com/post/175103575233/my-first-work-for-floranna2-fic-turn-your-scars
> 
> And lastly, my blog is here: http://floranna2.tumblr.com/


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your amazing comments!

_One year later_

Hunk walked inside the space mall, trying to appear casual. This was only one of the many similar malls he had been in as a paladin, but it had never become quite as fun as the first time, when he had been chained to the stove, they had had to escape an over-enthusiastic mall cop, riding Kalternecker that Pidge and…

Hunk choked up, scrunching his eyes shut and tried to breathe. In, out. In, out, steady…

It did ease up, but when he opened his eyes he saw some of the surrounding aliens giving him odd looks. Hunk tried to not let the anxiety build up. He knew it was because he had stopped walking so abruptly in the middle of the walkway, not that he had been recognized. This far in the Galra territory they had never even heard of Voltron or its paladins; he or the team weren’t in danger.

Hunk could see Ryou leaning on the wall at his right, looking at him with a patient gaze. Hunk tried not to bristle, and walked on. They never separated anymore, no matter how minor the mission was. Not since –

Hunk swallowed hard. He couldn’t stop thinking of him. Tomorrow would be the first anniversary and he just couldn’t – so much had happened, but nothing seemed to drown the pain out. Finding out that the Shiro they had was a clone, searching and saving the original Shiro, Ryou’s identity crisis and naming him…

And yet he couldn’t forget how Lance had sounded.

_“Pidge, Pidge, It’s not your fault.” Hunk ran, deactivating his bayard to be able to get there faster. He knew Lance, and he had never heard him sound that scared. “Hunk –“_

_There was some sort of high-pitched noise and something struck him in the chest. He collapsed to his knees, trying to feel for the wound but there was nothing. His armour was whole, but the pain kept spreading, making him throw up._

_And then he knew. The bond was broken and Lance was –_

Hunk breathed in heavily, unable to move. Now Ryou was moving towards him, looking concerned. He could feel his hands getting sweaty, and Hunk knew that soon he would be sweating all over…

His breathing got louder and faster, and he couldn’t control it. He stumbled towards the closest wall and slid down, forehead against the cold metal and tried to calm himself down. Ryou was crouched next to him, close but not touching.

Sometimes he thought that if they had had the real Shiro then Lance wouldn’t have died. He knew that Ryou thought so too. He didn’t want to think like this. It was wrong and no one was at fault, not him, not Pidge, not Ryou, but…

Everything was awful without – without Lance. Voltron was barely holding together and Hunk knew it was all his fault. He was supposed to be a leg, the stability of Voltron but he wasn’t – he was cracking and there was nothing –

Hunk let out a loud sob, covering his face in his arms. Then Ryou’s hands circle him, pulling him into a tight squeeze and not letting go. Hunk let out a low cry and hugged him back, crying heavily. Ryou made a small unf sound and Hunk could swear that he could hear Ryou’s ribs creak.

Ryou let him continue holding him awhile until the tears abated, but then tapped his shoulder and said, “I know that it’s not the best timing, but we really need to find that thingamabob for the engine thing. You up for the search?”

Hunk wiped his nose on his sleeve and nodded, standing up. “Let’s get this over with.”

Ryou squeezed his shoulder, smiling gently. Hunk turned his head, staring at the floor. Crying never made him feel better anymore.

***

The lowest floor in all the space malls they had visited was always an experience. Sometimes there were filled stores full of obviously illegal items, or some items meant clearly for – adult use. Lance had gotten a kick out of those ones and once spent his whole allowance for the trip on them. Hunk swallowed heavily, trying not to fall into pieces again. Everything seemed to remind him of his best friend nowadays, and he couldn’t control any of it.

Ryou was looking at him again, so Hunk mustered up a smile and continued walking. In this mall the bottom floor was full of small stores with various items. One shop was filled with some used clothing, other with preserved food that Hunk swore in his mind that he would visit after finding the part they were looking for, and one bigger shop filled with weaponry and armour. Hunk glanced at it, only thinking that Keith would probably like to visit it, but stopped, astonished.

At the front of the shop was one very familiar bayard.

Hunk had no memory of moving, at one moment he was standing at the middle of the walkaway, and the next he was holding the bayard – and it was Lance’s bayard, it could be no one else’s – squeezing it with white knuckled fingers. Ryou was standing next to him with wide eyes and getting steadily angrier. Hunk felt cold and numb, and shakily turned the bayard in his hands, trying to see if there was any sign of damage or – blood. Saliva flooded his mouth and Hunk swallowed hard, trying not to vomit.

The shopkeeper came closer to them, sounding irreverent in his ignorance. “Ah, our newest weapon! Very hard to use, except for those with the necessary skill” Hunk held the bayard close to his chest, switching between wanting to vomit or burst into tears. “We also have some pieces of armour that came with it, and those should fit your species perfectly!” The shopkeeper was filling the air with a soft, inviting fragrance that made Hunk feel even more queasy.

Hunk gasped wetly, but luckily Ryou was more in control of his faculties. “We would like to see those,” but even his voice had a small wobble to it.

The shopkeeper waved them in with a bright grin, and Hunk had to wonder if his species had different ways of expressing emotion, because neither of them were being anywhere near subtle right now.

The armour was… dented. Scruffy with some obvious attempt of cleaning it up. It was also missing the chest plate and the gauntlets.

Ryou picked up a leg piece, face going white. Hunk felt a red wave of rage flood his chest and turned at the still chattering shopkeeper. “Where did you get these?”

The shopkeeper blinked. “Ah, from a very reputable merchant, their items are always top notch –“

Hunk dropped the bayard on the table and grabbed the shopkeeper by the throat.

“Where. Did. You. Get. These?” Ryou was moving towards the table, but Hunk didn’t look at him.

The shopkeeper stopped chattering and his eyes hardened. “I request you to unhand me, or I must summon the mall guards.”

Hunk laughed, a little hysterically. “You think I care? My friend has already broken your emergency call button.” Ryou raised his hand that was holding the remnants of said button, smiling in a way that didn’t go anywhere near his eyes. “And I am holding your caller.” He had picked it out of the shopkeeper’s pocket when he was looking at Ryou. Matt’s teachings on how to pick pockets had turned out to be very useful.

The shopkeeper’s eyes widened and the mildly enticing smell that had permeated the air changed into something sour.

Hunk shook the shopkeeper roughly and bared his teeth, snarling, “My best friend _died_ wearing these, _where did you get them_?!”

The shopkeeper swallowed, and the smell kept getting more sour and heavier. “From a merchant, over a year ago, I swear! They didn’t tell me where they got them!”

Hunk tightened his hold and was about to slam the shopkeeper’s head into a shelf when Ryou put his hand on his arm, stalling him. The shopkeeper used this break to panickily continue, stumbling on his words, “But they sold me a new batch just few vargas ago, they should still be here at the mall!”

“What are their names! What do they look like?!”

“They are a pair, Verene and Corladon, Iouuinese!” The shopkeeper was slowly turning yellow and the smell was nearly making Hunk gag. Ryou tightened his hold on his arm and asked: “What’s their ship’s name?”

“Raaein!”

Ryou nodded at Hunk and he dropped the shopkeeper uncaringly to the ground. His hands were uncomfortably sticky, and in any other time he would have felt gross, but now his mind was too occupied. The shopkeeper slithered away, taking most of the smell with him. “We will find you if you are lying,” said Ryou with a calm, furious look and started to drag Hunk out the door, and Hunk was too surprised to struggle. They grabbed Lance’s armour and bayard, and Hunk asked, “Where are we going?”

Ryou smirked, all teeth baring. “To the parking garage,” and activated his comm. “Pidge, we need you to find a space ship here with a name Raaein.”

They both heard the indignant stutter in Pidge’s voice. “Why do you want me to?”

“Please, it’s important, I will explain later.”

Pidge harrumphed. “Okay, but if Shiro and Allura yell at me I will blame you.”

Hunk didn’t even have time to wipe his hands when Pidge called back with a curious tilt in her voice. “It’s a mess of a cargo ship, parked at spot G78N55. What is going on?”

Ryou’s smile was only teeth. “I will tell you when we get back,” and closed the comm.

Hunk’s mind was racing. “It’s about three floors down and closest to the exit. We’ve got to hurry.”

Ryou nodded. “Let’s go.”

***

The ship… was a mess. It had been obviously patched up multiple times. what he guessed was that the engines didn’t properly fit the mass of the ship. It probably didn’t even have any ability to do faster-than-lightspeed jumps either.

It was a miracle that it hadn’t already exploded or fallen completely apart, Hunk thought while casually inching away in case it decided to do so right now. Ryou beckoned him to hide behind some of the oil tanks with him, and they both prepared for a long and boring wait.

It took two vargas, one very quick piss break, six interruptions from curious or furious teammates via comms until they both cracked and explained the situation. Then there had been over half a varga of yelling, which the only positive impacts were that it ate some of the waiting time and they got some backup hidden further away.

When the owners of the said sad excuse of a ship arrived, Hunk blinked, trying to swallow the surprised noise that attempted to come out of his mouth. They were just like four-armed Hutts from Star Wars, and Hunk desperately hoped that they were a bit more agreeable than their fictional counterparts. And didn’t eat people.

Ryou stood up, grabbed Lance’s bayard and armour, and started to approach them. Hunk floundered a bit, trying to stomp on his numb leg, but managed to limp after him.

The aliens looked suspicious, and the one on the left was fingering something that looked like a collapsible rifle, but they didn’t attack. Ryou was still grinning and trying to appear conciliatory, but Hunk thought that he looked more like he was trying to sell something. The aliens seemed to agree, from what he could read from their body languages.

“There is no easy way to say this, but where did you get this?”

Hunk blinked and tried very hard to not fall into hysterical giggles. The aliens looked confused and wary, which made him want to laugh even harder. Ryou gave him a backwards kick to his shin without even looking, and Hunk managed to put his giggles out with a grunt of pain.

“Never seen them in my life,” the slightly larger Hutt said loudly with a frown.

Ryou’s smile went wider and more threatening. “Now I know you are lying. The charming shopkeeper a few floors up told us that you, specifically, sold these to him.” Ryou spread his arms in a nonthreatening gesture: “We have no wishes to… step on your turf, but our friend was wearing these when he died and we wish to get some answers.”

The slightly smaller one flinched at that, but the other one gave them a hard stare. “We do sell some of our wares here, but I do not even know which shopkeeper you are talking about.”

 _They were lying_ , rang through Hunk’s head and he had to try to keep from lashing out like Keith. Ryou’s hands were shaking too, and his back was so tense that Hunk half-expected for it to snap. Hunk gripped his bayard, fighting against his wish to make them talk. His movement made the aliens tense and take a firmer grip on their own respective weapons. Ryou was still smiling, but also looked like he was developing a headache.

“We do not wish to fight or hurt you.” The bigger one scoffed incredulously, making Ryou’s grin sharper “We just know that our friend died wearing that armour –“

The smaller alien took a breath and smiled, looking relieved. The bigger one rolled their eyes and looked mildly annoyed. Hunk twitched in surprise, his expression slackening. Why would they – If they had only… looted Lance’s… body, why would they look so…

“He was alive.”

Everything in him froze. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think... “WHAT.” he couldn’t tell if that was his or Ryou’s voice, or if he had heard it from the comms, everything felt like drowning.

The bigger alien looked far less tense. “We found him in a piece of Galran ship we… appropriated. He was severely injured and would have died without medical assistance, so we took him and dropped him on a nearby planet which didn’t have much of a Galra presence.”

Ryou coughed, obviously trying to form words. “W-where?”

“The planet of Iouuina, in the city of Ououaen.” The alien was looking at them suspiciously, but Hunk couldn’t muster up enough energy to figure out why.

“And why did you keep his stuff?”

The alien cocked their head, and their face seemed to yell _you moron!_ “For payment. The detour wasn’t cheap. Can we go?”

Ryou nodded, and Pidge and Keith came out of their hiding spaces, making the aliens flinch. “Should you be lying, we will make you pay for it.” Pidge was smiling her shark smile at them, promising nothing but pain.

And they would find them. That ship had more trackers than it had bolts right now.

***

When the spooked aliens had finally left, Hunk’s feet finally collapsed under him and he hit the ground hard. The gravel hurt his palms, but it wasn’t enough to make him snap out of the panic that was building up inside him. He gripped his hair and howled. “We – we left him – we left him to die! We nearly killed him!” the thought was – too big and awful and he wanted to throw up, he wanted to rip his hair off, he wanted to _breathe_ –

He saw Pidge sit next to him and hug him hard. Her face was still in horror and over her shoulder he saw Ryou and Keith move closer, and quickly they were in a cuddling pile, all trying to breathe and… breathe.

Had Lance been scared? Did he think they had abandoned him? They _had_ abandoned him, how could they find him again? They had all felt the bond break, how could he have still been alive?

Where was that planet?

Their comms came back alive and Coran’s voice came to his ear, loud and clear. “We will move directly to the planet Iouuina, but we still need the catarenic for the engine…”

Hunk had already forgotten that bloody piece.

Ryou cleared his throat, but he still sounded broken. “Hunk, can you and Keith…?” Hunk nodded and dug himself unsteadily out of the pile. He would waste no time on finding the catarenic, and soon they would be able to find Lance.

For a first time in year he felt hopeful.

***

The Iouuina planet was full of Hutts. Loudly speaking Hutts. Loudly speaking, large Hutts.

Hunk put this up on his mental list of ‘Things No One Will Ever Believe Back on Earth.’ It was already over a dozen pages long and kept on getting longer.

It had been a headache to find the right city, but luckily there was only one hospital that accepted non-Hutt patients. Hunk was so excited that he could barely breathe, Pidge was practically vibrating and even Ryou and Shiro seemed lighter than normal. The rest of the team and Coran were still at the Castle several solar systems away, hidden from Galra sensors. The four of them had squeezed into the Green lion, and Hunk was seriously wondering how on Earth they were going to fit Lance in there on the way back.

Pidge had insisted on hacking the hospital system, but Shiro had wanted to talk to the doctors first. This planet was so closed off from Voltron influence that they wouldn’t be recognized, but it might be good to lay some future groundwork in case they would come back officially as Voltron. Hunk just wanted to do whatever would get them to Lance the fastest. If he was still in the hospital, how badly would he be hurt? If he wasn’t, was he still on the planet?

No matter what, they would be getting closer.

The hospital interior was weirdly similar to an ER on Earth, that Hunk had to stop and blink for a bit. Ryou marched to the desk and started to talk, asking after Lance and explaining the situation. The nurse at the desk seemed to get more and more confused by the word, and at the end just stood up and asked for them to wait.

They all sat in the intergalactic multi-fit chairs, designed to be uncomfortable for every species and waited in silence. Pidge was fiddling with her computer, probably already trying to hack their servers, but from the grumbling it was not really going anywhere. Apparently, the servers were a bit too strange for her to hack yet.

It felt like ages until the nurse came back, asking for them to follow. They led them to a doctor’s office, where the doctor was sitting at the table, looking at them in confusion. Hunk didn’t even notice his own shaking until Shiro put his hand on his shoulder, grounding him. Hunk took a deep breath and nodded at him in thanks.

“We were told by a pair of… merchants that they rescued our friend and brought him to this hospital to be treated almost a year ago. We thought that he had died and would be extremely happy to find him, is he still at this hospital and if not, could you help us?”

The doctor was frowning at them, and Hunk couldn’t chase off the feeling that something was off.

“He?”

Okay, now the rest were also looking confused at the doctor’s tone. Shiro continued on, “Yes, human with… brown hair, blue eyes, named Lance –“

“I have a picture of him, here!” Pidge dug up a picture of Lance out of her armour. It was taken without his notice so he had his mouth open and eyes half-lidded. He had tried to make Pidge delete it for days afterwards, and retaliated later by taking several pics when she had been up to her eyebrows in coding and looked like she hadn’t washed up for days.

The prank war following that had been brutal.

The doctor looked even more confused, but finally said, “We did treat a human nearly a year ago, but she –,“ _what_ “identified herself as a female named Caroline Smith.” WHAT.

“But she does match your picture.”

What?

Hunk’s brain was stalling and he was opening and closing his mouth without saying anything. Shiro and Pidge were saying something but it only sounded like static in his ears.

He had no idea how long he stood there, frozen, until he could feel a hand on his shoulder. Hunk turned is gaze and saw Ryou looking at him with concern. He tried to smile at him, but it felt stiff and fake on his face.

“Maybe you and Pidge should go outside for a bit.”

Hunk wanted to refuse, but Pidge grabbed his hand and pulled him out. She was walking briskly, barely stopping so that the doctors and patients could pass them and refused to listen to any of Hunk’s protests. Hunk knew he could have stopped her, but he felt so cold and distant that the effort to do that felt impossible.

When they were finally outside at the park meant for the patients, Pidge rushed towards the closest bench that looked even remotely comfortable and plopped onto it, forcing Hunk to follow her.

They sat there, in silence, until Hunk couldn’t take it anymore. “Why would he use Caroline Smith? He never said anything about –“ He silenced himself, not sure how to continue.

Pidge shrugged, looking puzzled herself. “Maybe he was trying to stay hidden?”

Hunk snorted, but not unkindly. “He is a Paladin, he would have been recognized no matter what he said.”

Pidge raised her eyebrow. “Not here, obviously.”

“Oh, right.”

It was a day that probably passed for nice, the weather was warm and the sky was a pretty pink and Hunk could feel a lightbulb turn on in his head. “Why did you want to come here? Why didn’t you stay inside to hear what the doctor had to say?”

The smile on her face was vicious. “Because here I can hack the computers with the connections I made at his office and find out all the things he wouldn’t tell us.” The rest she muttered so low that he could barely hear it, “Stupid doctor patient confidentiality…”

Hunk smiled so hard that part of him was afraid he would sprain something.

Pidge gave out a loud crooning sound, making Hunk twitch away and look around, hoping that no one else had heard it. “They are using Galran standard, my computer’s translation algorithm can work with it!”

Hunk gave out a relieved sigh. Translating the intel they received from hacking had been a pain in their asses for as long as they had been paladins, and asking Coran and Allura to translate all of them had always been impractical and difficult.

Pidge sucked air loudly in between her teeth and Hunk could feel the terror freeze his insides and saliva gathering in his mouth.

“Is he…?”

Pidge looked at him in confusion, but her eyes widened quickly in realisation. “No, he is definitely alive. It’s just,” Pidge swallowed loudly, trying to force herself to continue, “They had to amputate his arms.”

Once again, Hunk’s mind went blank. “What!?”

“The explosion,” the pain in her voice made Hunk shake off his shock enough to put his arm around her shoulders and squeeze, “it was bad, left only stumps and then he didn’t get treatment immediately and there was an infection and they didn’t know human physiology so they just… chopped more off, gave him prosthetics and deposited him outside.”

It was never easy, was it? “Is there anything about where he went?”

Pidge shook her head, obviously biting back tears. Hunk could feel his eyes well up, and had to take a few deep shaky breathes to not break down. They sat there holding each other until their comms crackled into life.

Shiro or Ryou’s voice flooded their ears, sounding tense and annoyed. “Where are you?”

Pidge sniffled and said, “At the park at the back, on one of the benches.”

“Stay there, we will come to you.”

He shut off the comm suddenly and Pidge gave out a watery snort. “I haven’t heard him sound like that since the last time he had to work with Slav.”

Hunk wanted to giggle at that, but everything felt slow like molasses, and when he managed to muster a smile the break had lasted too long. Pidge held him tighter, grabbing the back of his shirt and burying her face into his chest.

They were still in that position when Ryou and Shiro arrived, looking as pissed as they had sounded in the comms.

Shiro didn’t beat around the bush, and firmly spoke in a low voice to prevent anyone else from listening in, “How long will it take you to hack Lance’s files?”

At that Pidge laughed out loud. “It’s like you don’t even know me, I already did that immediately after we got outside.”

Shiro looked like he was developing a headache, and Ryou threw his head back, laughing hard enough to gather some odd looks. Shiro rubbed his forehead and said, “What did you find?”

After Pidge filled them in, they both looked horrified.

“What are we going to do now?” the frailty of his own voice surprised all of them, even Hunk. Shiro looked thoughtful.

“Lance would want to leave the planet, so we should check the nearest spaceports.”

“But we are in Galran space, no matter how closed off. Lance wouldn’t be able to pass through any of the security measures there.” Pidge’s pensive voice was thin, but gaining strength at the end.

“So he would go to one of the more disreputable ones then.” Ryou was started to sound excited.

Shiro nodded, decided. “Pidge, find out which station has the weakest security. We will go there immediately.”

Pidge mumbled something, nose already in her computer. Something occurred to Hunk and he blurted, “Spaceflight is expensive, right? Lance might still be on the planet!”

“If he needs to buy the ship, yeah.” Shiro and Ryou both looked like something heavy had lifted off from their shoulders, and Hunk was ready to vibrate out of his skin in excitement.

“The most likely one is Yuiiiimi port five hundred kilometres away.” part of Hunk wondered how she managed to say that without faltering, but a larger part of him wanted to jump up and down, screaming in joy.

“Let’s go.”

***

The port was big, noisy and filled with people who had never even seen Lance. After the sixth person just looked at them with confusion Hunk was ready to stand on a table and yell, but Ryou grabbed him and pulled him back.

Hunk felt jittery and frustrated, and all of the others looked exactly like he felt. Pidge had hacked whatever security they had here, but nothing had turned up. Mostly because the security was that bad and they were too good at erasing old files if asked to.

If he ever found the people responsible, Hunk would punch them.

“A few more, then we need to rethink,” Shiro looked exhausted, and no matter how much he didn’t want to, Hunk had to agree. This was taking them nowhere, but…

He didn’t want to give up.

They approached one of the people wearing a technician’s vest and started the routine. Excuse me, have you seen our friend, here is a picture, they are very dear to us… Usually they were brushed off or the person would just look at them with pity and Hunk didn’t even really pay attention to them until he felt Pidge tense at his side. He raised his head, looking at her and followed her gaze when he saw her surprise.

The technician was… surprised?

“May I see it?” her voice was clearly feminine, and pensive. Shiro floundered a bit, giving her Lance’s picture. All of them were at full attention, not letting a single reaction of hers pass. She looked at the picture, squinting slightly and zooming it to Lance’s… eyes?

She snapped it shut and said, “Follow me,” and they all did, Pidge and he trying to ask questions but Ryou shushed them.

They went to an old empty room filled with dust when the technician turned and started to haltingly speak, “I saw your friend three pheebs ago, entering a ship in this port.”

Pidge met his hand halfway and both of them squeezed like their life was on the line.

“I… noticed them because I was doing some last dobosh check-ups and the people responsible for the ship were watching that I didn’t do anything... untoward.”

“What was the ship’s name?” Shiro’s voice was strangled.

“Roiuin,” she took a deliberate breath, making all of them listen to her, no matter how obviously Pidge wanted to have another go at their files. “It’s a Warane ship.”

Hunk couldn’t keep it in and blurted, “What is Warane?”

The alien looked at him in shock, and even horror when she seemed to realize that none of the other’s seemed to know that either. “You can find that out yourself. I need to go, I have been here for far too long.” Then she slithered away, leaving them standing in confusion and slowly dawning excitement.

“Pidge.”

“On it”, she said and promptly sat on the grimy floor.

Hunk didn’t have time to get bored until Pidge let out a long, contrived cursing and punched the floor hard enough that he was worried she broke something.

“What is wrong?”

Pidge took in a shuddering breath and there was a sheen in her eyes that made Hunk’s stomach roll dangerously. “They left no flight plan and this Warane… I can’t get anything specific but something about them sounds like bad news.”

 _Lance_ … “Are they Galra?” Shiro demanded, shaking a little. Ryou put his hand on his shoulder but didn’t look any steadier than Shiro.

“No, they are just…a mob. Or mob-like. I don’t know!” the frustration was heavy in her gut. She was so close, she could taste it, but every failure kept adding up and she wanted to scream. Hunk keened and kneeled next to her, pulling her into a firm hug.

Shiro looked wan but crouched down. “Pidge, this is important: are they only planet-bound or intergalactic?”

Pidge grunted out, “Intergalactic.”

Shiro sighed, straightening his back. “Then we can ask the Marmorans about it. If they are anything big, they will know about it.” He put his hand against her back and softly said, “You did good. We are so much closer than before.”

Pidge nodded and tried to detangle herself from Hunk’s grip. He held her a bit longer until he let go, feeling drained.

“Let’s move to the ships and contact Kolivan.”

***

Kolivan was as stoic as ever. Sometimes Hunk thought that a mountain could drop on him and he wouldn’t even flinch.

Yet when they told him about the possibility of Lance still being alive, something passed on his face, so fast that Hunk couldn’t recognize the emotion.

Then it hit him. After Shiro disappeared Lance had put the most amount of effort after Keith to, well, not befriend but work with the Marmorans. And he was – is so loud and lively that he must have left an impression even to Kolivan.

Had Kolivan mourned too? Or had there been too much ‘Knowledge or Death’- attitude?

When Shiro got to the part of Lance possibly having been with the Waranes, Kolivan leaned forward and immediately started talking when Shiro stopped. “Waranes are an intergalactic gang that have been gaining power form the Galran Empire’s slow crumbling."

Allura frowned and pitched in, “Are they working against the Galra?”

Kolivan turned his gaze on her. “Yes and no. They thrive in the chaos and have worked against Galran by sabotage and assassinations, but they also do the same to the Coalition.”

“Do you have any intel on their targets?”

Kolivan nodded. “We suspect that they were responsible for the Galran Commander Karakas and Fuigie’s Princess Daridan’s murders. And those are only the most recent.”

Hunk wheezed in shock and Keith looked like he had been hit on the head. The Fuigians had withdrawn from the Coalition after their Princess’ murder, and it had taken lot of resources for them to be able to patch the hole they had left. And Lance had worked with Waranes?

 _He probably didn’t have a choice_ , Hunk tried to comfort himself. It was not very effective.

“Why weren’t we informed of this?” Allura was frowning hard enough that Hunk worried she would get a headache.

“We only noticed the possible connection after Karakas’ assassination, but the Warane’s growing strength was put on secondary importance.” Kolivan didn’t sound apologetic, and though Hunk could feel the annoyance and fury churn in his stomach, he didn’t actually disagree with him. They had been so tied up with the Empire that taking care of some gang, no matter how powerful, was just impossible.

Allura nodded regally, but said nothing. Shiro continued, “We will continue on our previous missions, but we must ask your help on monitoring the Waranes and inform us immediately if you find any intel on Lance.”

Kolivan said his goodbyes and logged out. Shiro turned towards them and continued, “We can’t hunt after Lance.”

Hunk didn’t even have time to get shocked when Keith yelled: “WHAT!” Then it hit him what Shiro had actually said.

“You want us to what?” Pidge sounded shocked and disbelieving. Hunk couldn’t get out anything but a single whimper, and suddenly the air seemed to become too thin to breathe. Shiro was saying something, but there was white noise in his ears and everything started to get grey around the edges.

He slumped down, his legs failing. He tried to breathe in through the nose, hold his breath and then let it out from the mouth, but if it was helping he didn’t feel it.

Someone was sitting next to him and rubbing his back in big slow circles. Hunk had no idea how long he sat there, slumped down and trying to breathe, but when he finally started to see around him, he saw that Ryou was the one rubbing his back while the rest stood a bit farther away, trying not to crowd him.

Shiro looked terribly guilty, but when he seemed to realize that Hunk was now actually listening, he started to talk, “I meant that we cannot attack the Waranes directly, they are too small a target next to the Empire and the Coalition wouldn’t stand for it.”

When Hunk tried to mouth his confusion and anger on that, Shiro continued, “So we must attack the Galran targets that they are close to, or somewhat affiliated by it, and protect their potential Coalition targets. That way we can get more intel on them, while not looking like we are targeting them specially.”

That… was much better. Not great, but better.

Shiro’s Adam’s apple bobbed slightly. “We must be very careful and our goal has to be information gathering. If he is in any of these locations, we need to be ready to extract him immediately.”

Lance had never been one for quiet or careful, they would be able to find him or at least traces of him this way for sure.

If the Waranes hadn’t… Hunk cut that string of thought forcefully.

“How do we start?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bloody hell, all cursives were gone. Fixed it!


	3. Interlude

**Interlude**

 

Corladon groaned in disappointment when she saw the wreckage. Verene ignored her with experience and started to fly closer, collecting everything that pinged on their modified radar.  

“We aren’t gonna find shit here, y’know.” 

Verene controlled her face tentacles with obvious difficulty and gritted out, “But we might find enough to buy more fuel. Now shut up and go prep the tractor beam.” 

Corladon slithered out of the chair with as much attitude as she could muster, but Verene didn’t even grace her with a look. She huffed and went towards the cargo bay, waiting for Verene’s signal to prepare for pickup. Their ship was big, but most of the size went for the huge cargo area. Its engines were really ineffective, considering its size and it was old and had no ability to do faster-than-light travel. They had been trying to save enough to buy a better one, but every time they felt they were getting close, something happened and all the money was gone like a fart in space. 

Verene activated the beam and Corladon grumpily put on the safety suit. It was time to go to work. 

Couple of Vargas later Corladon was ready to space everything, including herself. There had been only a few pieces they could get any money from and even for those they would have to travel an inordinate length to be able to sell them. Verene was sounding grumpier than usual in the comm, making Corladon wonder if she would shrivel and explode. 

They had managed to take in a bigger part of the Galra ship, which by some miracle had managed to stay sealed in space. It did happen sometimes, but Corladon recalled that one tale she had heard in a bar where a fellow scavenger had picked up a piece of a ship and found a Galra soldier still alive there. The Galran had attacked, nearly killing them until their partner had gotten a lucky shot in. She held up her small handgun in front of her, while using her secondary arms to cram the door open. Corladon went in, and promptly stopped in shock. There was a body on the floor. It looked vaguely Galran, but the armour covered most of the characteristics so she couldn’t be sure. She lowered herself next to it slowly and carefully, scanning it.  

It was not Galran. Actually, it wasn’t of any recognizable race. And it was alive. Corladon sucked a deep breath between her teeth, surprised and contemplative. She carefully turned it around to get a good at it and nearly bit her tongue when she saw the damage it had been dealt. The armour it was wearing was well made, but whatever explosion it had been caught in had destroyed its front plate and gauntlets. Its arms were burnt nearly to the bone, and its hands were gone. Its chest was barely better, looking like some failed barbeque. Some type of deactivated weapon was lying next to it, looking worse for the wear. Corladon coughed, trying not to throw up from the smell. There was also some damage on the face and legs, but it didn’t seem nearly as bad. 

It should have definitely been dead.

Corladon made a decision. “Verene, we have a problem.” 

“For fuck’s sake.” 

She grinned, her mood inexplicably lightening and started to describe what she had found. When she had finished, Verene let out a long string of curses that made Corladon feel impressed. At the end Verene grit out, “Just throw it out.” 

Corladon let out a small sound of protest, making Verene growl out, “Don’t tell me you have gotten attached already.” 

At that Corladon snorted: “Hardly! But we can take its armour and weapon and sell them, and we will be stopping at Iouuina anyways. We could drop it at one of its hospitals. It would be barely any work for us.” 

Verene scoffed, but Corladon could hear that she was considering the idea.  

“Fine. Finish up and put it somewhere. It’ll be on your head if it lives or dies, I don’t care. But don’t waste all of our medical supplies on it!” 

Corladon made a sarcastic salute, knowing that she wouldn’t see it and went back to work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be going for my parents place today, so you'll be receiving this today, yet the next chapter on Friday at the earliest.


	4. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry about the lateness! I got some bad news and have been dealing with them. And I found out that age 27 is not too old to cry face down at parents bed and be held by your mother.  
> Things are better now, but updates will be more sporadic.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic descriptions of injuries. Specific descriptions (and kinda big spoilers) at the end notes.
> 
> Just reminding you that this was written before season 5, and any of the things revealed in the subsequent seasons should not be believed to be the same here.

_One more year later_

Ryou couldn’t be more bored. The prime minister was sitting at her desk, reading some sort of file, while he and Hunk were stuck guarding her. It had been three days, but there had been no sign of their possible assassin. The most dangerous situation they had had was when Pidge ate something with lactose and had had to shut herself in the bathroom.

Their hunt for the Waranes had been an exercise in patience, frustration and just pure boredom. They were slippery, quick and impossible to find any reliable intel on. Every time they felt they might be getting close, the gang seemed to backtrack and attack some other target. Ryou didn’t mind it when they were attacking the Empire, but twice already they had struck a member of the Coalition. And those two were the only ones they had any evidence on. Even Matt had come to help them for now, the stress of searching for Lance and fighting Galra empire pressing heavily on them.

It had been a year and they weren’t getting any closer to finding Lance. Hunk and Pidge were getting desperate, making more and more mistakes, abandoning their missions and posts on even the slightest hint of Lance, and their enemies were catching on. The Empire had started to leave hints on their computers, all of them baseless, but they had had to check them all out just in case.

And every time it was proven a lie, they all felt their hope crumbling just a bit more.

Which made this mission so important. They had finally gotten reliable intel from the Blades that the Prime Minister Gheeri of the planet Czaia was a target of Waranes, so they had come and offered their services.

And here they were, getting bored. The rest of the team were around the building, Matt was standing outside of the door, Coran, Shiro and Allura were at the castle prepared to deploy if necessary. Pidge and Keith were both in different surrounding buildings, keeping an eye on the area. Only he and Hunk were held captive in this room, trying to keep guard and not to distract the prime minister from her work.

It would have probably been better if they could have reliably reached the castle with their comms, but the planet had some type of atmosphere that made contacting the castle nearly impossible, but luckily they could talk on the planet.

He could see Hunk’s eyes slowly glaze over, and quietly knocked him on the arm. Hunk startled, making Gheeri raise four of her eye antennas to give them a sharp glare. Ryou smiled at her apologetically, and continued to look outside the window.

This whole year had been tough for all of them. Even Lotor had appeared to feel affected, preferring to stay more and more at the Blades, giving whatever intel they needed.

Ryou couldn’t control it, but the ex-prince still made his skin crawl. He had said that he hadn’t known about him being a clone, that he had been Haggar’s project entirely, but Ryou didn’t believe him. Not fully.

But he kept it all in, tried to be distant but polite and didn’t say anything. It was all he could do.

There was a mighty crash at his right and Ryou pulled out his short blade in reflex, ready to attack. When he saw what had happened, he closed his eyes in exasperation. Hunk had leaned on a shelf which had then broken apart, and now everything in it had fallen down. It was a huge mess, and he could see from the corner of his eye that the prime minister started to quickly stand up, looking utterly furious.

She didn’t even manage to stand up fully, spreading her wings in an intimidating gesture, when the window shattered and she shuddered, eyes widening, slumping on her desk with a growing bloodstain on her back.

For a second, neither of them moved. Then a glass figurine from the broken shelf fell on to the ground, breaking the spell. Ryou rushed towards the prime minister, pulling her behind the desk, out of the sightline. He knew it was probably bad for her injury but leaving her to the sniper’s sight was worse. He looked through the window but did not see any sign of the sniper. Ryou started to put some pressure against the wound while Hunk had opened the door and let Matt come in. Hunk was contacting the rest of the team and pulling out his first aid kit simultaneously. Ryou moved to give him more access, while still pressing the injury.

The local guards appeared, but Ryou ordered them to get the medical staff. Hunk had pulled out his weapon, squinting out and covering the sightline for the PM.

“She is still alive,” said Matt with a grim tone. “The assassin didn’t properly hit any of the immediately lethal organs, but she is in danger.”

Ryou nodded, thinking furiously. “Pidge, do you have access to that satellite that is monitoring the city?”

Pidge’s voice was fraught. “Yes. I do. I am pulling it up right now.”

“Try to see if you can find our guy, and where they are going.”

Pidge didn’t say anything except for some furious breathing. Shiro knew it was a long shot, but maybe they might get a picture, even if they were long gone.

The medics arrived and all three were preparing to follow them to the hospital, when Pidge made a surprised sound in the comm, making all of them tense. “I can see them. They are a humanoid, dressed in black and brown, and are driving leisurely towards the Xdaha Hospital.”

It was the closest one and the exact one the medics had said they were taking the PM.

Ryou sucked in an alarmed breath and ordered, “We will follow the ambulance. Keith, how long will it take you to get there?”

Keith’s voice was tight. “Six doboshes.”

“Start moving.”

When they got out of the building, Matt went inside the ambulance while he and Hunk picked up their flying bikes. The whole city was stunningly beautiful, and any other time he would appreciate it more if it wasn’t for the fact that it consisted solely of floating buildings. Quiznaking avians and their quiznacking gas planets.

“He has arrived at the hospital,” Pidge’s voice sounded grave. “It will take me nine doboshes to reach it.”

“Don’t. Hack the hospital feeds and keep us informed,” Ryou could hear Pidge’s grumbling even over the wind. “Have you managed to reach the castle?”

“No, too much interference.”

“Keep trying.”

The ambulance finally docked, Hunk and Ryou stopping right next to it. Doctors and nurses swarmed out, grabbing the PM. They started to follow them when their comms once again crackled to life and Pidge’s voice filled their ears.

“He is at the garage! Only a few hundred meters away from you.” Ryou immediately waved for Matt to follow the PM and said, “Me and Hunk will approach him. Keith, where are you?”

“Three doboshes.”

“Roger that.”

Hunk twitched nervously, but his grip on the bayard was firm and unshaking. Ryou tried not to think on how much he had changed, they all had changed after Lance was… gone.

If he hadn’t existed maybe he would…

It was all useless. They had their best chance to find out what happened in their grasp and he wasn’t going to let it slip. He pulled out his short sword and prepared for a fight.

When they finally saw the sniper, he was… quite underwhelming. Humanoid. Wore a hat and some sort of pulled up tube scarf. He had a fanny pack of all things, plus a small backpack.

And the assassin kept approaching them, long after seeing them and that both Ryou and Hunk were armed.

“Halt!” Hunk yelled next to him, lifting his formed bayard. Ryou hoped he wouldn’t have to fire it here; it wasn’t really suited for inside fighting, even if they were in a large parking garage. To his surprise, the assassin stopped, but he didn’t look alarmed or scared, of what he could read from his body language. He had no idea what species the other was, and how to read him, but something in him felt familiar.

“I have business at the hospital,” his voice was low and with a slight lisp. The feeling of familiarity kept getting stronger.

“We know.”

The man sighed – and Ryou had to not get distracted, because it was familiar – and moved. Ryou barely had time to deflect his weapon – some sort of a blade – when the assassin was kicking him. Ryou moved his knee slightly, and quickly they were both parrying and deflecting, with Hunk standing at the side, waiting for an opportunity to move.

Ryou activated his arm – he hated this – and held his sword at his left hand and managed to surprise the assailant by swiping at his face. There was a smell of burning fabric, but no sizzling flesh. Ryou wasn’t sure if he was relieved about that.

The assassin leaped backwards, but Hunk was there, punching him in the chest. The assassin twisted, grabbed Hunk’s shoulder and leaped over him. Hunk nearly hit Ryou from his momentum, and when they rightened themselves, Ryou could see the assassin running towards – their bikes.

“Keith!”

“Here. I see him!”

The sniper didn’t have time to reach their bikes when Keith burst in, driving his bike in high speed, nearly hitting him with it and barely stopping before smashing into the wall. Hunk gave a small rapid burst from his bayard, forcing the assassin to back down and destroying one of their bikes. The man turned, one hand holding a long knife and some sort of pistol, but Ryou wasn’t concentrating on his arms.

Next to him, Hunk gave out a loud broken sob and whispered, “Lance?”

It was Lance. The hat had fallen off from Keith’s mad crash, and he could see the brown hair and blue eyes. And the face… there was a huge scar on one side, worse than any of his or Shiro’s own and a part of his lip was gone but it was Lance. There was no way it wasn’t.

But Lance had never looked this cold and uncaring.

 

 

The assassin didn’t react in any other way except firing at Ryou. Ryou managed to make it hit his right arm, and cringed at the slight charge that ran up to his shoulder, but he already knew that there wouldn’t be any damage.

Keith was moving, jumping over one of the bikes, slashing at Lance. He bent backwards, grabbing Keith’s arm and using his momentum to flip him farther away.

Lance had never moved like this before.

Ryou and Hunk finally moved, but Lance was like lightning. Blocking, twisting, guiding their hits so that they were striking each other rather than him, and shooting whenever he had a chance. One of the shots hit Ryou on the knee, making him scream and fall down. Lance used this to stab downwards at him with his knife, but Hunk grabbed Ryou at the back and threw him further away, no matter how hard he jostled the injury when he hit the floor. The pain made him nearly black out. Lance adapted, kicking Keith who was trying to attack his back and grabbed Hunk’s neck, twisting around him so that Lance was holding a knife to Hunk’s throat, cutting a slight line of blood.

Keith stalled, realizing the danger, and Ryou’s breath got stuck. Lance was almost completely covered by Hunk’s body, and the chances of getting at him without him cutting Hunk’s throat were slim.

Everyone was at a standstill. Keith didn’t dare to move, Ryou could only prop himself on his left leg and Hunk was frozen.

They really should have brought someone who could have fired a gun without destroying everything around them.

The blood on Hunk’s neck was trickling down, and Hunk swallowed, obviously steeling himself. “Lance, it’s me, buddy. Your best friend?”

No change, not even a twitch.

Keith tried to move forwards, but Lance turned Hunk slightly more towards him and pushed the knife deeper. Hunk opened his mouth once again; his words making the knife go deeper, “Please, we are your friends. We don’t want to hurt you.”

Something flashed at Lance’s eyes and Ryou didn’t dare to believe it. Had Hunk’s words worked? Lance’s body lost some of his tension, and Ryou could even see a slight smile…

…And then he cut Hunk’s throat.

Everything moved so slowly, Hunk’s face moving from hesitant relief to shock. Before Hunk could slump down, Lance kicked him in the back, shoving him towards a screaming Keith.

Hunk hit Keith, and they went both went down, Hunk’s blood gushing on Keith’s face. Ryou crawled desperately towards them, his knee unable to hold any of his weight. Some part that was not being drowned in terror sarcastically commented on the dignity, but Ryou could only think of Hunk.

Keith pushed Hunk off of him, spitting out blood and trying to grab Hunk’s throat in a frantic attempt to administer some emergency aid. Part of him was relieved on the Garrison’s brutal first aid courses, no matter how awful those memories were.

He could distantly hear the remaining working bike leave, but didn’t stop to look.

When Ryou finally got next to them, knee screaming in pain and bleeding enough to make him feel dizzy, he grabbed Keith and yelled, “Get aid from the hospital! I’ll take care of him!”

Keith nodded, pale and shocked behind the mask of blood, and got up and ran towards the hospital doors. Ryou concentrated on trying to keep Hunk’s blood in, but his fingers were already getting slippery. Hunk’s face was pale in terror, his eyes rolling up.

Ryou wanted to hold his hand but could only mumble something, trying to calm Hunk and himself.

When the hospital staff finally arrived and moved Hunk on to a gurney, Ryou started to cry.

***

He was sitting on the hospital bed, leg being bandaged. He had refused all other aid except for some local anaesthetic, saying that they had more human-friendly med bay back at the ship, when Pidge, Allura and Shiro rushed in, looking sick to their stomachs.

“Was it really…?” he had never heard Allura sound so frail.

Ryou nodded, unable to say it. Allura keened, stumbling against the wall. Shiro looked like a statue and Pidge… she had the appearance of a woman whose whole foundation was shattered.

None of them said a word.

Keith walked in, the blood wiped off except for a smudge under his left ear. Ryou had never seen him appear so… old.

“How is...?” somehow Shiro managed to sound calm, but everyone could see how tensely he held himself.

Keith looked at everyone in the room, eyes lingering on Ryou’s knee. “They say Hunk is critical, but stable. He lost a lot of blood, and they are asking if any of us can donate.”

Ryou opened his mouth, but Shiro beat him to it, “Matt is O neg, I’ll go ask him.”

Keith shook his head, apprehensive. “I can go,” then stopped, biting his lip “where is he?”

“Probably still guarding the Prime Minister,” Shiro was already walking towards the door. “I will go, you need to rest anyways.”

Keith grabbed his arm, the pleading look obvious even for Ryou. “I can’t stop, I need to do something!”

Shiro gently took his arm away from his grip. “You look like you are going to drop,” then he swallowed, continuing, “Besides, I am his medical proxy after –“ and went pale.

Ryou knew how he was going to finish that sentence, and so did the rest of them. They remained there, no one knowing what to say, until Pidge opened her mouth, “I am O neg too, they might need more than one donor.”

Shiro nodded with a distant look on his eyes, and then they both left. Keith collapsed on one of the remaining chairs, and even Allura managed to finally seat herself on the chair next to his bed. For a while they sat there until Allura jumped up, screaming and nearly making them all go for their weapons. “The Prime Minister?”

For a few moments Ryou had no idea what she was yelling about, but Keith seemed catch on faster. “I will comm Matt.”

It didn’t take long for them to get the news. “The doctor says that she will make a full recovery, and that she is very lucky that that the gunshot missed all the major organs,” Keith hesitated, swallowing: “I think she would have died if she hadn’t started to stand up.”

Allura gave a small, wet laugh. “Hunk saved the day.”

Ryou reached towards her, ignoring the flaring pain on his knee and squeezed her hand gently. “And he will pull through. He is hardy and stubborn, and nothing will stop him when he puts his mind to it.”

Allura’s face got wet with tears and mumbled something. It sounded positive.

A shot of pain rushed from his knee and he barely bit out a pained moan and went tense. Allura and Keith saw it, and she wiped her eyes with her free hand and looked at him in concern.

Keith frowned and asked, “What did the doctor say about your knee?”

Ryou didn’t even have time to think up an answer when Allura looked at him, furious concern clear in her eyes. He winced, glaring at Keith who only looked confused. “I told them I have more human-accurate care at the castle and for them to just stop the bleeding.”

Allura looked murderous, the last of her diplomat façade falling to pieces. Ryou was sure that if he wasn’t already injured she would slap him.

“How bad is it?”

Ryou hesitated, but the worsening look on her face made him blurt out the truth. “It’s bad, but the pod will heal it?”

This didn’t seem to help any, and he could hear a small hysterical snort where Keith was standing.

Allura sighed angrily and rubbed her forehead. “We do need to transfer you and Hunk back to the castle.”

“Can’t the castle land here?”

Allura shook her head, gritting her teeth loudly enough for Ryou to hear. “The castle could float in this atmosphere, but not without breaking the delicate balance that keeps these buildings floating. We would probably scatter them kilometres away from each other, and we can’t afford to do that with the Prime Minister being hurt on our watch.” She brushed a few loose strands of her hair behind her ear, continuing, “It’ll be a miracle if they will want to join the Coalition after this.”

Ryou frowned, sharing a look with Keith. “But we prevented her death, if we hadn’t been there she would have been dead for sure!” there was an edge of desperation in Keith’s voice, and Ryou tried very hard not to get angry at the unfairness of it all.

Allura shrugged, looking tired. “They may not see it that way,” then she stopped, swallowing, “And whatever happens, they can’t find out that it was Lance.”

Ryou nodded, the whole thought making his stomach feel heavy in fear. “The famed Loverboy Paladin, turning into… that? It could destroy everything we have built.” He looked at Keith, who looked ready to start a fight. “And then they would kill him.” Keith shut his mouth with a loud snap, going slightly green.

Allura visibly shivered before steeling herself: “I will inform everyone to keep Lance’s part quiet and that we will talk about this in the castle.” Keith looked furious, but didn’t disagree. Ryou just bit his lip and hoped that they could get there quickly.

***

Hunk and Ryou looked peaceful in their healing pods, and Pidge pinched herself hard on the arm to not go into hysterics.

She had seen the video, and then promptly deleted it from every database she got her hands into. There was no doubt that it was Lance.

What had happened to him?

Shiro and Allura were talking to Kolivan, telling him what had happened. Pidge turned her attention to him, and when they told him about Lance he blinked in surprise. And when they told him what Lance had done, his whole demeanour changed.

She wasn’t the only one who noticed this. Keith straightened at her side and looked surprised. Maybe he hadn’t seen the Blade leader ever this expressive either?

Allura and Shiro stopped talking, waiting for Kolivan’s answer.

“This is… surprising.”

Pidge couldn’t hold it, she snorted hard enough that her nose hurt. Shiro gave her a glare, and she managed to keep her laughter in. It wasn’t a time to get hysterical.

Kolivan continued on like they hadn’t done anything, “We have managed to gain some intel on the Warane’s list of hitmen and their MO. All of what you have told me matches one of them perfectly.”

Pidge didn’t want to hear this.

Kolivan typed something on his computer. “I have sent you the file, but the assassin has been going by the alias Smile, and has been racking up quite a large body count for someone who appeared slightly over a year ago.”

“Why weren’t we told about your list?” Keith was furious and looked like he was going to punch the screen.

“The list is a work-in-progress and the Waranes have been aggressively expanding, so there has been a lot of hiring and turnovers. It would not have been useful for you.”

Pidge opened the file and had to agree. It was basically only: Two legs and two arms. Wears a lower-face mask. Sniper. There was a bit on suspected hits but that was it.

It wouldn’t have helped any, but the resentment still curdled inside her.

“Thank you Kolivan. Please let us know if you find out anything.”

Kolivan nodded graciously, “Will do. Lance left quite a mark on the Blades,” and promptly closed off the connection.

Pidge immediately blurted out, “Lance wouldn’t do this.”

“It was him,” Keith sounded broken, like all fight had left him. Shiro put his hand on his shoulder, but said nothing.

“I meant, maybe it’s not Lance?” it had to be that. The hope tasted sour in her mouth, but it was the only thing she had.

Everyone looked at Ryou’s pod, where he rested peacefully.

“He was definitely not a clone,” Allura’s voice rang out. Pidge turned to her, angry, but she waived her off, continuing, “We know from when we found Shiro that making a clone takes a long time, and it needs constant access for tissues and such.” Shiro was looking uncomfortable and vaguely sick. Allura glanced at him, but steeled herself and rushed on, “If the timeline we got from those merchants and hospital is right, there is no way that Galra would have had him long enough to make a clone.”

“If they were telling the truth.” Matt said, having been quiet the whole time. Pidge leaned against him, and he started stroking her hair, trying to comfort her.

“That is true.”

“So… brainwashing? Amnesia?” Keith was sounding much livelier, his voice taking a note of desperation.

“Urgh, I hate those tropes,” Matt joked. It was an awful joke, but somehow Pidge felt a little lighter.

Coran and Allura were looking a bit mystified, but Shiro barked out a surprised laugh, making Keith flinch and look at him in surprise.

“Okay, enough with that. Pidge, can you find out anything about a criminal with codename Smile with Lance’s characteristics on any databases you have hacked?”, said Shiro.

Pidge bit down on a sarcastic comment on what hacking actually was, and nodded. “It will take a while and I have to cross-reference a lot of shit, but I can write an algorithm for it.”

“Good, do that.” Shiro took a deep breath and straightened his back, looking every bit like a leader of Voltron. “I know it may feel like we are only going backwards, but every step we take makes us closer to finding Lance. We will not abandon him. We know who he works for, his modus operandi, and his appearance. Blades know these too, and they can go to places we can’t. We will get him back home.”

Pidge cracked her knuckles and smiled. It was time to make databases her bitches again.

***

Pidge squinted at the screen and desperately hoped for Tylenol. Or coffee. Or five more clones of her. Matt was sitting next to her with his own screen, looking as good as she felt.

She slammed the palm of her hand on the floor, making Matt flinch, and cried out in frustration. “There is just too much data! Too little relevant data! It’s all too vague and everything ends up being false and–“ the sob caught in her throat, making her voice crack. Matt moved quickly and pulled her against his chest, rubbing her back and murmuring softly. Pidge couldn’t make out his words from the static in her ears.

“I can’t even find dad…” and then the tears broke, and soon her face felt hot and bloaty.

“You found me. You found me from the vastness of space. It took you time but you did it. We will find them too, and you aren’t alone.” Matt’s voice was soothing, and for a second she thought he sounded like mom.

It did not take long for her to fall into an exhausted sleep, right there on the floor, being held tightly by her brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Hunk has his throat cut and Ryou is shot in the knee.
> 
> Art is made by wonderful boredbeingregular: https://boredbeingregular.tumblr.com/post/175410551520/my-art-for-the-vldsupernovabang-for-the-fic-turn  
> The second art piece in the post is a spoiler for a future chapter. ;)
> 
> And again, my blog is here: http://floranna2.tumblr.com/


	5. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say updates would be sporadic, eh? ^^'
> 
> I am shit at commenting to comments (ha) but believe me, I have read them over and over again, unable to stop squeeing.

Kolivan and his team breached Commander Tarakka’s command ship with no difficulties. Ikkiri and Hunning nodded at him and dispersed to different directions, knowing their missions.

Kolivan moved through the maintenance shaft, trying to reach Tarakka’s personal quarters. Tarakka was known for being extremely paranoid about his privacy and in other circles he was also known as one of the most efficient information brokers who worked inside the Galran Empire. Recently they had learnt that he had found out something concerning Warane gang’s influence, but they hadn’t been able to reach a satisfactory deal. Thus, the stealing.

Voltron had been desperate to find anything about the Waranes, and this intel would most likely aid them greatly. The matter that it wasn’t directly fighting against the Empire had made some of the Blades unhappy, but this alliance had benefitted them all greatly, so they were willing to make some missions outside of their own goals.

He did wish to find the former blue paladin too, privately. The young human had been a breath of fresh air in their operations, and Lance had always done his best to give the blades the acknowledgement for their part in the missions. Most of the rebels in their history had adamantly refused to work with any sort of Galrans, and it had been a long time since the Blade of Marmora worked with other groups.

The best he could do to thank him would be to assure that he was found.

The maintenance shaft ended, forcing him to move to the open corridor. He was at the private quarters in the middle of the Den shift, so it was unlikely that he would face any personnel. Even so, he moved forwards quickly, checking the exact location of Tarakka’s room against his current location. It was only a few doors down, so he slowed his walk and quietened his steps once again.

When he reached the correct door, he crouched down and pulled out his electronic lockpick. When he started to put it on the scan-pad, he paused. The door was unlocked.

For a moment he hesitated. Then he pulled out his knife and opened the door. It slid open without a sound, and he immediately saw the body of Tarakka lying on the floor, with a dark-clad person leaning over a hand-held computer at the desk. The assassin raised his head, and Kolivan immediately saw the familiar blue eyes.

 

 

A heartbeat passed without either of them moving. Then Kolivan stepped in, letting the door close behind him. The assassin – Lance – Smile straightened his back and looked at him, his body language revealing nothing. The mask the human was wearing covered everything expect his eyes and Kolivan was hard pressed to find anything even remotely similar to the cheery, flirty boy from Voltron without the obvious physical similarities.

The man moved away from the desk, and Kolivan could see how different his movements were from what he remembered from two years ago. Now he was much more certain, less flare and more minimalistic. ‘Far more dangerous,’ his thoughts rang. It was surprising to see him, and Kolivan would have never suspected that the boy he knew from years ago would be the famed Smile of the Warane gang.

“How far has the paladin fallen,” Kolivan sneered. No reaction, not even a blink. Interesting. No use raising the human’s temper then.

Then he moved, but Smile had already leapt backwards, pulling out his own blade and making Kolivan miss his strike. Kolivan corrected his stance and used his momentum to make a swiping kick towards his knees, making Smile stumble slightly in his haste to back away. Kolivan pushed his emergency button, summoning Ikkiri and Hunning to his location. He would need their help if he wanted to capture Smile alive, he could already tell.

And it would be better if there were people who would not be hesitating to use their full force.

They were exchanging blows, moving around the room. Smile was annoyingly agile and bendy, twisting and leaping over his blows, but Kolivan could already tell he was getting tired in the same manner as he himself was. When Ikkiri finally arrived, his subordinate threw himself directly into the fight. Kolivan barely managed to grunt out that they had to capture him alive, when Smile pulled out a small gun and nearly blew his head off.

They were making enough noise to wake up the whole ship, and if they didn’t work this quickly, they wouldn’t be able to escape all of the sentries and ship’s crew alive. He managed to block Smile’s blade hand with his knife and succeeded to break it in half with his own superior luxite blade.

Ikkiri, being notably smaller and lighter than him, used this distraction to kick Smile’s gun hand, making him lose his grip on the gun, it falling on top of Tarakka’s body. The human backed frantically away, desperately trying to put some distance between them. Ikkiri was just about to strike him with his taser to knock him out, when Smile straightened his right hand, aimed his palm at Ikkiri and released an energy charge that threw him at the opposite wall. Ikkiri hit it hard enough to slump on the ground, unconscious. Kolivan couldn’t see what his damage was, as then Smile attacked him with renewed ferocity.

Kolivan blocked what seemed to only be a wild punch with his arm but grunted in surprise and pain when he could feel a sharp slice cut it nearly to the bone. He used his leg to kick Smile away from him, and the assassin rolled over the desk and landed on his feet. The assassin had a long blade protruding from his left arm, and that was what had cut him. Kolivan dared to spare a glance to the wound. It was bleeding heavily, and he would be in trouble if he couldn’t finish this fight soon.

On the other hand, Smile’s hand that he used as an energy weapon was hanging at his side, appearing useless.

They stood there for a few ticks, the desk between them, both considering the situation. Kolivan could feel his own warm blood leak inside his armour, making his fingers feel warm and sticky. It was at this moment when Hunning finally arrived, taking only one look until pulling his own blade and rushing towards the assassin. Smile’s eyes widened slightly, and he tried to duck, but Kolivan had moved too and punched him in the side, making him hit the ground. Hunning used his free hand to punch him in the head, knocking him unconscious. Kolivan had Hunning put the human in double-bind cuffs, and then they finally got to check on Ikkiri.

Ikkiri was hurt, badly. Luckily for him the shot had been hot enough to cauterize the wound, but he would need to be put in the pod as fast as possible. Kolivan made Hunning carry Smile, while he carried the smaller Ikkiri with his unhurt arm.

They managed to get back to their escape vessel without detection, and small part of him wailed over the Empire’s incompetence, no matter how useful it actually was to them.

***

Ikkiri was in the pod and Kolivan himself had received aid from the LHD, Local Healing Device, which left only a faint, hairless scar. It was only now that he could go to see their prisoner.

When he arrived at their small area meant for temporary jailing, the Blades guarding them seemed tense. Kolivan kept his face still. “What has happened?”

The one on the right, Crun, twitched and said, “The prisoner woke up during the transfer and dislocated Derxik’s shoulder.”

Kolivan blinked slowly, considering. Smile should have been at least mildly disoriented from the hit he received and the following unconsciousness but being able to immediately injure one of their highly-trained operatives was quite extraordinary.

“And then?”

Crun shuddered and blurted out, “We had to remove his prosthetics.”

Kolivan stilled, slightly surprised. “They were detachable?”

“Yes and appeared to cause no nerve damage.”

“Where is he?”

“We put him in the observation cell.”

Kolivan nodded and started to walk. Crun followed him, his trepidation clear to Kolivan even with his back turned.

When he arrived at the observation cell, which was a normal cell with one of the walls being a one-way window, Kolivan stopped to take a good look on their captive.

Smile was… sitting on the floor, both of his legs chained to a wall. His eyes were open, and he was looking at the wall on Kolivan’s right side. There was no discernible expression on his face, and if Kolivan had to guess, he seemed to be in deep thought.

Kolivan still had only met a small handful of humans in his life, but even he could see the lack of differences between the man sitting before him and Lance. Kolivan was mildly surprised at seeing such a large disfiguring facial scar on his face, which belied the fact that he hadn’t received adequate medical care for it. Minus the obvious differences of lacking arms, longer hair and the scar, he was identical with Lance.

But.

The former blue paladin had never been able to sit so completely still and quiet, always tapping some surface with his fingers, talking, humming, or jiggling. This person in front of him shared none of his behaviours or morals.

If someone had told Kolivan on their first meeting that he would ever actually grow fond of the blue annoyance, he would have put them on a psych-eval for delusions.

“He hasn’t moved at all after we chained him down.” Crun’s voice was bland and immediately woke Kolivan from his musings. He considered the sitting human and said, “What were his injuries?”

“Sprained ligaments, bruised kidney, mild concussion, and a few cracked ribs. All healed as ordered.”

Kolivan stood, thinking and then ordered, “Full time watch, and every movement recorded. Do not let him outside without my permission, whatever his reason is.”

He turned his gaze at Crun. “Go to the Communications Centre and prepare to contact Voltron. Do not send the signal until I am there.”

Crun saluted sharply and left. When he could hear the door close, he deactivated the film that ensured that the prisoner would not be able to see outside the cell. Smile turned his head towards Kolivan, but otherwise nothing in his posture or expression changed.

For a while, neither of them said anything. Then Smile’s face broke, and Kolivan could see desperation and horror in his eyes. He could also swear that there was growing moisture in the human’s eyes.

“Please,” the human’s voice broke. “I don’t know what is going on!”

Kolivan tilted his head, and Smile – _or was he Lance_ – stood up. He could only take a few steps towards the glass, but Kolivan could see the rapidly fading bruises far more clearly now.

“Please,” water was trickling down his cheeks, he remembered that the humans called it crying, “I… I haven’t done anything! Who are you!”

Kolivan stood in silence, but finally said, “You are in the hold of Blade of Marmora.”

Kolivan had spent quite a long time cataloguing and learning human expressions during their alliance with Voltron, and he was certain that the miniscule widening of Smile’s eyes meant surprise in this context. Kolivan hid his reaction in a scowl.

“I have never… I don’t remember anything! Please, let me go!” Now there was fluid leaking from its nose. What was that human incantation for it? Bless you? In the end, he stayed quiet, and Lance – Smile – slumped, sobbing heavily.

It was time to contact the Voltron. They would be far more capable to untangle the lies and the truths from this.

***

They were all standing at the helm in varying states of ruffledness. Keith could see Hunk still in his pajamas, looking like he still hadn’t woken up fully. Pidge and Matt on the other hand looked like they had never gone to sleep in the first place, manic energy radiating from them in waves.

Keith had no idea how Allura and Coran managed to look so put together, especially when Shiro and Ryou were standing next to them. They were at least in their regular clothes, but Shiro had a suspicious looking stain on his chest, while Ryou had a similar looking one on his sleeve. Keith squinted at it and barely managed to keep the shout in. It was the dessert goo that they said had disappeared the night previous! There had been an interrogation on the culprit and everything!

Ryou and Shiro obviously noticed his glowering and the reason for it, judging from their shit-eating grins. Keith grit his teeth and swore that he would make them pay. Hunk made that so rarely, he had been waiting for it the whole damn day…

The giant screen crackled to life before he could make a scene, and the solemn face of Kolivan appeared. Allura said few pleasantries, and Kolivan humoured it for a bit until he went straight to the point.

“We have the former Blue Paladin in custody.”

For a few heartbeats there was complete silence, and then it broke at once. “When?!” “How is he?” “Is he hurt?”

“In custody?” Coran’s voice rang out, the hard note in it silencing everyone else at once. Cold dread filled Keith’s chest and he fisted his hands, trying to hide the shaking. In custody would mean…

“Yes. We found him during one of our missions and he injured three blades, one of them nearly fatally.”

Keith nearly inhaled some of his spit in shock at hearing that. Lance was a sniper, and if he had used his guns he wouldn’t have injured them, just killed them. It must have been a close-range fight, but Lance wasn’t good enough to injure two Blades in close combat.

Or maybe he had sniped them, but hadn’t wanted to kill them? Maybe the Lance he knew wasn’t actually gone?

But why didn’t he try to spare Hunk then?

The others were still speaking to Kolivan, no one really noticing his shock. Ryou looked like he wanted to bolt when others started to talk about brainwashing and behavioural triggers, but stayed still, looking uncomfortable. Keith swallowed, trying to figure out if he wanted comfort or not, when something the others said pierced his slightly panicking mind.

“We will arrive to pick him up in three vargas.”

Keith flinched, turning back to the screen but they had already closed it. He had missed everything!

Shiro looked pale but was smiling. And it wasn’t one of his pretend smiles either, this one Keith hadn’t seen in years. It brightened his whole face, making him look like – like he was before Kerberos.

From the corner of his eyes, Keith could see the trepidation rising on Coran’s face, but tried to ignore it. Lance was coming home, they would fix whatever the Empire had done to him, he would – they would all have a second chance and all would be better.

It had to be.

***

Walking inside the Blade ship wearing his paladin armour felt odd after two years. Even the floor felt different, the Marmoran boots being made of slightly bendier and sensitive material. Kolivan had only nodded and given the customary greetings, and then he had led him, Shiro, Pidge and Ryou towards the larger hall. Then they all just stood there awkwardly, waiting for the Blades to bring Lance out of wherever they were holding him.

When Lance finally appeared, Keith couldn’t keep quiet. “What in the bleeDING FUCK?!”

Lance was… he looked like a mess. A bad one. His arms were gone, his right arm being completely gone and left having a bit of a stump. His sleeves flapped at his sided, making him look smaller and frailer.

But the worst was those long snare poles attached to his collar, leading him and keeping him away. He looked like an animal that was going to be put down.

Then he raised his head and Keith couldn’t breathe. His eyes were red and face bloated, and there were dried tear tracks on his cheeks. The scarring was as bad as he remembered, and there was a growing black eye. His hair was overgrown, a tangled mess that barely reached his jaw, and it also looked really greasy. Lance was also shaking, like his every movement hurt and that he would collapse any second.

He didn’t look anything like himself, nor did he look like the man they had been fighting so desperately in the hospital.

Time seemed to slow down when he turned towards Kolivan, pulling out his bayard, but Shiro and Ryou grabbed him in their hold and refused to let go. Pidge was screaming something, but the noise in Keith’s ears was too loud for him to make out what.

“What is the meaning of this?” Keith couldn’t remember a time when Shiro’s voice sounded this cold.

Kolivan looked like none of their reactions even ruffled him. “As you know, he has injured three of our members and has been deemed extremely dangerous. All of this is just a precaution for all of our safety.”

“You took away his arms!” Shiro’s voice was shaking. Dimly Keith realized that this was significant and turned to look at Ryou. He was pale and horribly still.

“Those arms were weaponized.” Kolivan didn’t explain it any further, acting like everything he needed to say had been said. Keith grit his teeth, seething. Ryou’s grip on him had started to get more and more painful.

“How well weaponized that those managed to frighten even you?” Pidge’s voice was dripping with cutting sarcasm, like she wanted to bite him and never let go.

“An energy gun and an inner blade. The gun nearly killed one of my men, and the blade…” Kolivan raised his arm, showing his scar. Keith paused, surprised. He knew the LHDs that the Blades used and how they worked, and for one to leave such a scar it meant that it either hadn’t been treated until days had passed, or the wound had been severe.

Lance had managed to injure _Kolivan_?

The rest of the team didn’t seem to realize the meaning of this. Shiro and Ryou glared disapprovingly at Kolivan and Pidge was staring at Lance like she wanted to give him a hug.

Keith wanted to hit someone, but he wasn’t sure who.

“You are free to take him, but you won’t free him on our ship,” there was a twinge of exhaustion in Kolivan’s voice that made Keith feel uneasy. Kolivan had never sounded like that when he had been in the Blades, what the bleeding hell had happened with Lance?

The Blades holding Lance with those snare poles moved to hand them to Ryou and him. Keith grabbed it, unsure what to do. Ryou looked like he wanted to throw his on the ground but held on to it in the end.

Lance looked like he wanted to cry. He wasn’t saying anything, only sneaking terrified looks at Kolivan and the Blades. Keith could feel his shaking from the pole he was holding and swallowed when he realized that there was no recognition in his eyes when he looked at Keith and the rest.

“Let’s leave to our lions. Lance will travel with me and Ryou.” Shiro’s voice cut through his unease and slowly growing horror, dumping him with relief. Soon they would get back to the castle and they would get to finally find out what the quiznak had happened to him.

The journey to their lions felt long and awkward, he and Ryou accidentally nearly strangling Lance with their poles. Ryou grabbed both of them, and Keith ran towards Red, unable to look back.

When they finally got to the castle, Keith almost fell down in his excitement to get out of Red. His lion felt pensive at the back of his head, the usual fiery surety somewhat subdued and even unsure.

Keith didn’t want to think what it meant. Black hadn’t felt like this when they had found Ryou, but everything was different now. Maybe Red was just more reactive? Maybe Lance had changed? Or maybe it was because Lance was also a Red Paladin, maybe Red felt like he would have to choose?

Thinking about this was just a waste of time.

The rest of the team that had stayed in the Castle were already standing there, waiting. Hunk was looking slightly green, his hand twitching upwards like it was against his will. Coran was holding his shoulder, looking pale behind his moustache. Allura and Matt kept their faces still, but even Keith could see their tension. Keith had been the first to arrive, with the others still on their way. There was no word from the Black lion, and it did not take long for Green to pop in.

Pidge had managed to barely get outside when Black landed.

It felt like a small eternity until all three came out. They had taken off the collar, and Lance was walking on his own, eyes on the ground, and face turned so that they wouldn’t see his scar. He looked so much smaller and frailer without his arms, and Shiro and Ryou looked tense, stealing anxious looks at him, which Lance didn’t seem to notice. Ryou was holding Lance’s prosthetics awkwardly, looking faintly disgusted.

No one knew what to say. Keith feared that one wrong move would make Lance run to the hills and leave them all behind.

It was ridiculous. There was no way he could escape. Then Keith realized what he just thought and felt nauseous. Lance wasn’t their prisoner.

He saw at the corner of his eye Hunk take a step forward. His hands were shaking and he looked clammy, and the smile on his face was unlike Hunk in its fakeness.

“I – Do you know who I am?”

The moment of truth. Keith knew what the answer was going to be, but he wished –

“N-no.” Lance’s voice was so – small and wet, like it had been drowned.

Hunk was taking deep breaths, looking like he was fighting against a panic attack. Alarmed, Keith looked at Shiro, Coran and Allura in turns, but they seemed to be willing to let this continue. Lastly, he glanced at Pidge, and she was pale and shaking.

“I am Hunk, your best friend.”

Lance raised his head, face still turned and whispered, “I am sorry.”

Hunk started to cry, but it was not his usual loud, huge sobs, but instead quiet whimpering. Somehow it felt so much worse. Keith barely managed to twitch towards him when Coran was there, pulling him to a hug.

And Lance just looked out of the corner of his eye, making himself smaller and smaller like he wished to disappear.

Now Allura finally opened her mouth, sounding soft, “Do you remember any of us?”

Lance just shook his head minusculely.

Allura was obviously considering her words and tentatively said, “You attacked us some time ago, and injured Hunk badly. Do – “

Allura silenced herself when Lance startled and looked her in the eyes, the whole ruin of his face completely visible, the horror twisting it even further. “What?!” It was not a yell, not really, but it was the loudest sound he had made the whole time they had seen him. He radiated shock and looked at them, terrified. “I don’t remember, I don’t remember anything!” Lance’s voice kept rising, and at the end it was almost at the level of his old voice.

“Do you remember what your name is?” Ryou’s voice was calm and understanding. He was moving towards Lance but didn’t touch him. There was sweat beading on Lance’s forehead, and he was starting to shake hard enough to appear blurry, but he managed to mutter a quiet no.

Hunk nodded and smiled kindly through his tears. Keith on the other hand could feel restless energy beneath his skin. He wanted to punch something, not knowing how to continue.

Luckily, Shiro stepped in. “Your name is Lance, and we are all, you included, part of Voltron. “

Lance’s eyes widened, and it seemed that he had at least heard of Voltron. Lance stayed quiet, his gaze turning from one of them to another.

Shiro continued: “We thought you died two years ago, but last year we found out that you had survived and started to look for you.” Shiro paused and continued sheepishly. “We also asked Blade of Marmorans to look for you too.”

Again, Lance said nothing, his body tensing even further.

Ryou raised his head and slightly lifted Lance’s prosthetic’s giving Coran and Allura a questioning look. Keith drew a blank, not knowing what he meant, but Coran smiled, the expression looking forced and cheerfully said, “We can give you back your arms, but first, we need to disarm them!” Coran smiled, genuine pleasure radiating from him from that pun. Pidge and Hunk managed a small groan and Keith rolled his eyes, the mood slightly lightening. When Lance let out a small chuckle, even Allura, Shiro and Ryou started to smile.

Hunk walked tenderly towards Ryou and picked up the arms. “You’ll get these back soon,” he said without looking at Lance. Then he power-walked out of the room, Coran and Pidge barely managing to keep up.

Allura smiled gently and slowly glided towards Lance, treating him like a skittish animal. “I will show you your room. I know it may feel hard to believe right now, but you are our friend and we would never harm you.”

Lance raised his head, looked straight at her and gave her a small, tentative smile. It didn’t make the scar look any less ugly, but it softened his face in a way like none of Lance’s grins from before ever did.

He remembered when Lance had smiled at him, with no mockery or bravado. Sometimes he worried if his words had helped Lance at all, back when he had been offering to give up being a paladin. And if Keith had given him any kind of relief back then.

He had rather left the team himself, rather than force Lance to give up being a paladin.

Keith couldn’t help but to think that his smile had been so much different before. Maybe it was the scar. Keith wondered if it hurt him anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art to this chapter was made by Bluaroz: https://bluaroz.tumblr.com/post/175410717353/second-one-for-floranna2-fic-turn-your-scars
> 
> Kolivan wailing over bad guys' incompetence is me. So me.
> 
> The image of Lance being held by snare poles was heavily influenced by Hardlynotever's art here: https://hardlynotnever.tumblr.com/post/166273913630/31-days-of-kink-day-10-unusual-means-of-capture  
> The image is SFW (as in no nudity), but their art and blog in general are NSFW.


	6. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Panic attacks galore.

Allura went to escort Lance to his new room, (it wasn’t his old room, just some part of the castle they had repurposed into something they could lock from the outside) and the rest of them convened in their Craft room. Keith swallowed when he remembered how Lance had named it that after Hunk and Pidge had started to use it for their own projects, and not long after they had all started to use in unironically.

Pidge, Matt, Hunk, and Coran were already there, picking apart Lance’s left arm and looking busy. Pidge was scanning the right one and typing down what she was reading.

None of them even raised their heads when Keith, Shiro and Ryou entered, too focused on their work.

“What can you tell?” Shiro’s voice sounded steady, but there was a tenseness in him. Keith hesitated, unsure how to continue. Luckily Ryou picked up his slack and stood next to Shiro, their arms touching. Something in Shiro relaxed, and he gave a grateful smile at Ryou.

Keith cursed at himself. Everything felt more difficult and he kept second-guessing himself, incapable of making decisions. He was lucky it hadn’t started to affect his relationship with Red. Yet.

“It’s a Swiss army knife!”, Hunk yelled, sounding mildly manic.

Keith blinked, looking at Shiro in confusion. He knew what that was, but…

“A whatsit?” At least Coran was also confused. Probably not for the same reason, though.

“I mean, there are so many things in there. Two blades, cork screw, screwdriver, bottle opener… I keep finding more!” Hunk’s voice cracked a bit at the end, but he was too excited to notice. Hunk’s voice hadn’t completely healed from his attack, and he was horribly self-conscious about it.

Keith couldn’t remember when was the last time that he had heard Hunk sound this excited.

“But what is…”

“That’s not important. Can you make it not dangerous?” Shiro had donned his command-voice, silencing them all.

“Umm, I don’t know? There is just so much in here, and I think some of these are actually needed for him to be able to use it.” Hunk sounded apologetic, but the buzz hadn’t disappeared.

Shiro frowned, looking slightly ill. “We can’t give him weapons, if he is lying he would…” Hunk flinched, putting his hand on his throat. Coran went to him, but Hunk managed to keep himself together. Coran muttered something to Hunk, but Keith couldn’t hear it.

He still hadn’t forgotten how Lance’s eyes had looked. Cold and completely uncaring, not recognizing them all… And then he had cut Hunk’s throat. There had been no regret, no hesitation. He had just done it, and then left.

Pidge was holding the other prosthesis in her arms, looking unsure and hesitant. When Keith slowly stood up, she took a deep breath and blurted out, “I can disable the energy cannon. Or Hunk can, anyways. It’s possible.”

Hunk snorted wetly and rasped out, “I could design and build some sort of sleeve that the blades wouldn’t be able to breach.”

“That sounds great,” Shiro’s voice was soft and he sounded guilty. A tiny, bitter part in Keith wanted to crow about how Shiro wasn’t the only one with panic attacks anymore, but he knew that all of them had been having them and other shitty symptoms for years.

Sometimes it really sucked to be a paladin.

“But it will completely numb down all the sensation on it. I mean, the sense of touch in it isn’t very good, not like –“ Hunk’s eyes flitted quickly at Shiro’s arm and back “and if I just put it on the sensory skin it might be actually painful.”

“Can you remove, well, the skin and possibly put it on later?”

Hunk scrunched up his nose and nodded hesitantly.

“How long will it take you to build it?” Allura was slowly building back her commanding tone, probably not wanting to cause another scene like previously.

“Uhm,” Hunk swallowed, looking like he wanted to throw up. “Few days?”

Keith sucked a loud breath through his teeth, making everyone turn towards him. “We can’t let him be without arms for that long!”

“No, we can’t.” Shiro looked unhappy, and Matt who had stayed quiet was starting to frown at them. Allura started to straighten her back and put on her War-face, but before she could say anything, Hunk blurted out, “But I can disable the cannon in less than a varga!”

They all relaxed at that, letting out an almost simultaneous breath of relief. “Concentrate on that first.” Then Shiro turned towards Allura “What was he like when you walked with him?”

Allura frowned and Keith tried not to rush at her and demand answers. “He was – very unlike before. He was crying a bit, but calmed down quickly. He didn’t ask any questions, but he also didn’t react when I informed him that the door was locked from the outside and that there were cameras in the room.” Allura hesitated, biting her lip lightly. “His behaviour was very odd, and we should keep a very close eye on him.”

“That is not a problem.” Shiro looked her in the eyes, “Did he do anything?”

Allura shook her head. “He went to bed and fell asleep.”

“Did he say anything?” Keith didn’t like the edge in Pidge’s voice, and he could see Matt’s face scrunch up in some unfamiliar emotion.

“He apologized for not remembering, but otherwise he was very quiet for –“ Allura paused, like she was unsure to continue. Keith knew what she had planned to say and the pain ran through his body, making him tense up.

“For Lance.” Hunk didn’t sound sad, only empty. Keith twitched again, wondering if he should give him a hug. Then he wondered if Hunk would hug him back. He could use one too.

 _Screw it_ , he finally thought and enveloped him in his arms. Hunk was so big and he felt like a stick insect trying to envelop a teddy bear, but something in Hunk untensed and he wrapped his arms around Keith and buried his face in Keith’s shoulder.

Keith expected tears, but none came. Hunk just held him tight, like he was afraid Keith was going to disappear and leave him bereft.

Pidge was shaking and kept stealing glances at him and Hunk. “What’s our plan with the Winter Soldier?”

There was some scattered laughter, with Coran and Allura looking long-suffering. Keith couldn’t resist adding, “I don’t think he qualifies without the raccoon eyes.”

Pidge grinned at him, but her teeth were sharp and eyes were wet. Before she could say anything, Coran opened his mouth, “I have some tests I can run with Lance, to find out what happened to his memory and what caused his former behaviour.”

There was a low gasp from both Ryou and Shiro, and they were looking at Coran in horror.

Coran blinked in obvious confusion, and the sudden realization seemed to hit him like a Galran spaceship. “Very non-invasive! Very friendly! Nothing like what you experienced with–“ he didn’t continue but Keith could get the gist. Both Ryou and Shiro seemed to calm down, but Keith wasn’t fooled.

Shiro breathed in deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the headache. “Let’s design an around the clock guard for him. When Lance is in his room, you will be watching the feed.” Shiro lowered his hand and stared straight ahead, resolutely not looking at anyone. “If you aren’t comfortable with being alone with him, ask someone to be with you.” Shiro swallowed hard enough for everyone to see. “Just try not to make your uneasiness obvious to him.”

In the end, Coran volunteered to take the first watch and the rest of them dispersed. Shiro tried to tell them to go to sleep, but Keith set towards the training deck. Maybe he could exhaust himself enough to be able to sleep without any dreams.

***

It had been three days and Lance hadn’t even left his room, but he had gotten both of his arms back. Though the left one was grey instead of the previous skin tone colour. He looked well, all of his bruises had been healed by Coran with LHD. There had been quite a few of them, though none of them had been serious. They only had the Blade’s word that those had happened during the fight and the initial subduing, and Hunk did want to believe them.

But Lance had looked so awful and scared when he had walked out of Black.

Now was Hunk’s turn to monitor him, but the most exciting thing Lance had done was enter the bathroom. At that Hunk had looked away, not wanting to see his best friend doing… that, but otherwise he was left to watch the monitor. Right now, Lance was sitting on his bed, looking at nothing. Hunk knew that Lance had been told he would only need to ask to be let out, but still this whole situation made him feel sick.

They weren’t wardens. They weren’t torturers.

He didn’t know what he would do if they were.

Holding Lotor had never felt like this, thought Hunk and huffed out a tired laugh that was nowhere near humorous. Part of him wondered what the former prince was doing. They did occasionally get some updates from Kolivan and Lotor did talk to them when they needed information only he had access to, but none of them liked to talk to him and Hunk was usually very happy to have him far away from them.

Hunk pushed his mind back to monitoring Lance, no matter how mind-numbingly boring it was. He had been trying to see if there was anything he could recognize in his best friend, but there had been no luck. The way Lance moved, talked and even breathed was completely different. Hunk hoped that it was because of the trauma, but he knew it was unlikely. Coran was still calibrating the machine he needed for them to be able to get some answers, and Coran refused to use it without first making sure it was safe.

After Hunk had witnessed Coran accidentally electrocuting himself on his first test try, he agreed with him whole-heartedly.

On the screen, Lance stood up, and walked towards the door. Hunk straightened, waiting. Lance raised his hand and pushed down on the comm button.

“Uhm… I –,“ Lance took a deep breath, looking like he wanted to steady himself. “I – I would like to go out.”

Hunk swallowed, feeling the sweat roll down his back. He fumbled a bit, but managed to activate his end of the comm. “S-sure, I will come there.”

He could see Lance smiling at his screen. It was a small and frail looking thing. “Thank you.”

Hunk immediately closed the contact and opened a new one. When he could hear the person at the other end, he nearly screeched, “Ryou? Lance wants out and I don’t want to be alone?”

Ryou winced, “Not that loudly, please, and I –“ There was a loud crash and some furious cursing from Shiro in the background. “I can definitely come. Absolutely. See you there?”

Hunk could hear Shiro start, “Oh no, you need to HEL-“ but Ryou cut it off before he could hear the rest. Hunk couldn’t not smile at that, but it felt wobbly and uneven. He rose up, and started to walk towards Lance’s room. If he took a bit longer than usual, that… was probably not good. He did it anyways.

Ryou was already standing there, leaning on the wall next to the door. When he saw Hunk, he straightened and looked worried. Hunk tried smiling again, but it still felt fake.

“You don’t have to be here, you know.” Ryou sounded so patient and kind, but Hunk looked at the ground and muttered, “I want to.”

“Hunk.” Ryou’s voice was so firm and commanding that Hunk snapped his eyes up almost against his own will. “I know how it feels. Shiro does too. It’s not a shame to admit that you can’t.”

“But I – I want to. I have to.” Hunk tried to keep the tears out of his voice, but didn’t quite manage.

Ryou sighed. “Okay. But if you feel like you can’t, you can leave. Any time you want.”

Hunk nodded, feeling grateful. Then he punched the keylock in and the door opened, revealing Lance in his whole glory.

He looked exactly like in the monitor, but Hunk couldn’t keep his flinch down. Judging from the flicker of Lance’s eyes, it had been noticed.

There was an awkward silence until he coughed politely and asked, “Is there something you would like to do?”

Lance gave a shy-looking smile. “I – I don’t really know. I would like a walk?”

“Oh, yeah. We could go –“ Hunk looked desperately at Ryou. His mind was stalling and he could not think of a single appropriate place to take him.

“Kitchen maybe?” at Ryou’s suggestion Hunk could feel his face freeze. The kitchen was in his command. Only Coran really came there to work, but nobody liked it because his food always tasted like sweaty feet. Ryou caught on and quickly added, “Or the pool? It’s a really weird one.”

Lance had loved the pool after he got used to it. This would be good.

“I guess it would be nice? I can’t swim though.”

What.

Both Ryou and him halted, neither saying anything. Hunk could see doubt and fear run through Lance’s eyes, settling on pure terror. Hunk wondered why.

“You… can’t swim?” Hunk was really grateful that Ryou could talk. His own tongue was lying inside his mouth like a dead piece of meat.

“I – I can’t? I just can’t?” Lance was stammering and starting to shake. Before Hunk would have immediately comforted him and pulled him into a warm hug, but now he could only stand and stare, the thought of touching Lance making him want to run.

“How do you know?” Oh, that was a good question.

“It – I just know. I – I don’t know. I know. I don’t know why.” Lance had never sounded this unsure even in front of Garrison teachers.

“Is there anything else you remember?” Ryou was speaking slowly and gently, trying not to rush. The fear on Lance’s face abated a little, and he looked thoughtful.

“I can’t swim. I love rain.” Lance took a deep breath and Hunk couldn’t tear his eyes away. “I… hate garlic.”

This was… How? Lance loved garlic knots. He had said that if he hadn’t gotten into Garrison, he would have pushed to become a competitive swimmer.

Well, at least loving rain was the same.

“I need to speak with Coran.” Ryou’s voice cut through Hunk’s brain fog, and he snapped his head towards Ryou, face melting into horror. Ryou saw his expression and quickly corrected, “ _We_ need to talk to Coran.”

“I think he is in the med bay.” Hunk knew this was all important, that it meant something big, but his thoughts felt slow and gooey. When Ryou grabbed Lance by the shoulder and started to push him down the hallway, he only barely managed to make himself follow.

Lance said nothing on their way to the med bay, and when they opened the doors Coran was there tinkering with some sort of equipment. For a second Hunk wondered why Coran hadn’t asked him, but then he remembered: he was supposed to come after his shift ended. And it had ended, Hunk surreptitiously checked the time on his hand computer, ten doboshes ago.

“Aah Hunk! Nice to see you a-and…” Coran’s energetic voice faded at the end when he saw Ryou and Lance. “I do remember telling you all that it isn’t quite yet ready for use, boys!” Coran said reproachfully.

Ryou twisted his mouth into an approximation of a smile. “Something important came up.”

Coran wasn’t a fool, no matter how much he liked to pretend so. He put down the piece he was working on and looked at them in anticipation. Hunk opened his mouth, but Ryou managed to be quicker, “Lance has started to remember things, and-“

“It’s wrong, it doesn’t fit!” Hunk yelled, making all of them flinch. His eyes started to leak and he gave out a loud sob. Ryou looked shocked and Coran started to rush towards him. Hunk couldn’t see Lance’s – or was he even Lance – reaction when Coran got close and put Hunk’s head between his hands and pulled him down so their noses were almost touching.

 _Gross, there is snot_ , flashed through Hunk’s head until the confusion settled in. The sobbing tapered out but he was still crying. Hunk didn’t even know why he was crying. If Lance really didn’t know how to swim or hated garlic, it might mean that it wasn’t Lance who tried to – that there was some sort of explanation or…

Or that he really wasn’t Lance and his best friend was fully and completely gone.

Coran let go and pulled him into a tight hug, hugging Hunk so tight that everyone could hear his ribs creak. Hunk could hear a surprised breath from his right, but couldn’t tell if it was Ryou or Lance. Not-Lance. NL?

Or could trauma make you forget this stuff and make you lose your skills?

Hunk didn’t know. His breath hitched and Coran raised his hand to pet his hair. It felt nice. Comforting.

Lance had loved to play with his hair too.

He had no idea how much time had passed when he finally calmed down and had to pat Coran’s shoulder so that the Altean would let go. Coran looked so much older than usual, with exhaustion radiating from him. Even his moustache was drooping. An arrow of guilt hit Hunk in the heart. They had been pushing him so much, and had any of them ever thanked him?

Coran seemed to sense some of his thoughts and his face brightened, wide smile smothering all tiredness. But Hunk couldn’t help but wonder: how much of the cheeriness was false and what was real?

A soft noise rang behind him and Hunk turned, tensing. It was Lance. He was holding his arms in front of him and looking at Hunk in dawning revelation.

“We – we were friends?” Hunk’s heart squeezed and shrivelled at that, but confusion conquered it.

“Yes, best friends. We are, I mean.” He bit his lip, trying to figure out how to phrase it. “I – I told it to you when you arrived?”

“You did?” Lance looked so surprised to hear that.

“Don’t you remember?” Hunk didn’t know what he wanted the answer to be.

“I – My memory has been kinda blurry since I woke up in that cell with those purple –“ Lance stopped at that.

“The Blades?” Ryou sounded as confused as Hunk felt.

“Yes, if they are those who put that _collar_ on me.” There was poison in Lance’s voice, and Hunk winced. He couldn’t remember a time when he had heard Lance speak with that tone.

Ryou kept badgering, “You don’t remember arriving at the Castle?”

Lance shrugged, his voice turning soft. “I do, it’s just – blurry.”

Ryou and Coran exchange worried glances and Hunk tried to not to let fear take any more control in him that it already had. Coran let go of him and started to walk towards Lance. When he reached out to touch Lance’s shoulder, Lance flinched violently and stepped backwards so fast that he nearly fell down.

Coran stilled, hand still outstretched. “Why did you come here now?” he kept his voice low and unthreatening, still looking towards Lance. When the Cuban only shrugged, he turned his head towards Ryou, while still keeping his eyes on Lance.

”We – Lance wanted to go for a walk,” Hunk stammered out “and we thought we would go to the pool. But then Lance said that he couldn’t swim and that he hated garlic and –“

“I see,” nothing in Coran’s expression changed, but Hunk could tell that he wasn’t joking around. “That is quite unusual.”

“Why? Why is that?” Lance sounded upset and frustrated, with a tinge of fear. Although there had always been fear in his voice since they got him back.

Hunk swallowed hard when he realized that, hoping that he wouldn’t throw up.

“It’s just so number four, that before your disappearance you loved swimming and garlic.” Coran was smiling, but Hunk could tell that there was strain in it.

The Altean opened his mouth to continue, but Lance broke in with, “What.”

Hunk tensed, and he could see Ryou flex his metal arm instinctively. Suddenly, Lance’s voice was cold and he sounded just like in the hospital, except for the utter fury in his tone. Coran blinked, but didn’t otherwise react. “Oh yes, you talked about your beach quite a lot, and even got me curious over what garlic is!”

Lance butted in, the fury giving in to the cold rage. “What did you call me?”

Hunk moved his arms and legs to a fighting position, all his instincts screaming at him. Coran just kept looking at Lance, his silly smile still pasted on. “Well, I know you used to be number three, but with Ryou here there had to be some adjustments!”

Now Lance was starting to look confused, but Hunk still didn’t relax. He could see from the corner of his eye that Ryou didn’t either.

Coran’s voice went even softer and forgiving. “If you don’t remember, I assigned you Paladins’ nicknames on your height order. It has no other meaning.”

Lance breathed out a silent oh and relaxed, looking once again scared. Hunk forcibly relaxed himself, Ryou slowly following him.

No one knew what to say.

Lance blinked, looking shaken. “I – I don’t know what that was,” he gave out a sobbing laugh “it feels like that’s the only thing I say anymore.”

Coran moved and gently reached out towards Lance. When he didn’t flinch away, the Altean put his hand on Lance’s shoulder and gave him a squeeze. Hunk could see something in Lance melt away, and when Coran started talking even he felt his own mood ease.

“We will figure this out, I promise.”


	7. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for near drowning.

To say that things were awkward would be a severe understatement. No one knew what to say, and Hunk and Coran were off to work the machine that was supposed to help fix Lance. Somehow. Ryou didn’t quite realize how it was supposed to do so, and how they knew it would work. And how it was applicable for Lance when they didn’t even know for sure _what was wrong_ …

Lance was looking at his arm again, and Ryou distantly realized that he had bent the arm of the chair he was sitting on. Again. He blushed and let go, and Lance raised his gaze to look him in the eyes. Ryou could see curiosity in there, and Ryou really hoped it wasn’t going to be what he thought it would be.

“You have a prosthesis too?” Of course he was never that lucky.

“Yeah.” Ryou prayed in his mind that Lance wouldn’t continue.

“Can I see it?”

Ryou hesitated, and it must have been obvious because Lance’s eyes widened and he blurted out, sounding panicked, “You don’t have to! I just – others don’t –“

Hadn’t he seen Shiro’s arm? Part of him wondered but the rest of him was starting to feel guilty over how frightened Lance looked.

“No, it’s fine. Here.” He pushed his right arm forward. Lance stalled, looking surprised. For a moment Ryou thought that he wouldn’t do anything, but then Lance took a hold of his arm, pulling it slightly towards him.

He could feel the touch. The druids had done excellent work and his arm was almost as sensitive as human skin, except when he activated its weapon’s mode. It only looked like it would have none of that.

The druids had loved to test it out. They had upped the sensitivity first so high that even the touch of the table he had been strapped on had been pure agony.

He had begged them to take it off.

Ryou bit his lip, trying to chase the memory away. He couldn’t fall into that rabbit hole, not right now.

And it was Shiro’s memory anyway, not his.

Lance’s grip was gentle. There was no heat emitting from his hands, and Ryou wondered how well he could feel with them.

“This is different from mine.” Lance said blandly. Ryou nodded.

“It is Galran make.”

Lance let out an inquisitive noise, but did not continue. Ryou coughed, trying to figure out how to shape the question he wanted to ask.

“Do you remember where you got your own?”

Lance shook his head, eyes on the floor and said nothing. He let go of Ryou’s arm so quickly that it hit the side of the chair.

They sat there, again in awkward silence.

“How are you?”

Lance looked at him flatly, the scar making him look angrier than he probably was.

“I am fine,” his tone was curt and Ryou had no idea what he had done to offend him.

“Are you? Really?” he wouldn’t have been. He hadn’t been.

“Why are you asking?” No, Lance was definitely angry, but speaking low enough that Coran and Hunk couldn’t hear.

Ryou swallowed, once again trying to figure what to say. “I – I want to know how you are. It’s been rough.”

“It has, but you haven’t been interested in my mood before. None of you have been.”

Ryou blinked, the words hitting him and making him feel ill. “What? Of course we have been!” He hoped his words were true.

“No. You have wanted to know about my memory. My wellbeing has been limited to physical comfort and ability.” Lance was breathing harshly enough that Coran was raising his head in concern. “My emotional wellbeing you have not considered important.”

Ryou sat there, frozen in shock. He was shifting through his memory, hoping to prove Lance wrong but drawing a blank. They hadn’t shown their concern in front of Lance, and all their questions had been about his memory.

“I – I am sorry.” His voice threatened to break, but he kept it together. He couldn’t make this about his own pain. Not now. “I – we messed up. I am so sorry.”

“You locked me in. You don’t trust me. You took away my scarf!” Lance was shouting and shaking in anger. Ryou could see Hunk shrinking away, wringing some odd piece of machinery in his hands and looking as sick as Ryou felt. Coran was… surprised.

“I am sorry,” he didn’t know what else to say.

“We can bring you a scarf,” Coran said and Ryou wanted to kiss him. Lance was still shaking, but it started to go down. “Do you want to tell us why you want one?”

Lance took a few shuddering breaths, but his voice was still angry when he spoke. “I don’t like people seeing my scars.”

“Those are scars of valour,” at the blank fury on Lance’s face Coran amended. “But I will bring you one. What type would you like?”

“A tube scarf,” Lance fired out sharply.

Coran didn’t look confused, so Ryou hoped that it was something that had been common in Altea too. “Does the colour matter?”

“No.”

Ryou flinched slightly, but Coran didn’t acknowledge the tone. “I can make you one in half a varga. At the cloth replicators.” (They had all burst into laughter when they had heard what those machines were called. It had taken ages for them to be able to explain it to the Alteans). He straightened and started to walk to the door. “I will go make it right now!” His voice was still cheerful.

Then the three of them were left in the room to stare at each other. Hunk was fidgeting, and Ryou was keeping himself still only with pure willpower.

Lance kept his head straight, his eyes unfocused.

“I am sorry. For real.” Lance turned his head at Ryou but his face revealed nothing. Ryou breathed in and continued, “We have been – selfish. We were so excited to find you alive that we – didn’t really think how you would feel especially when…” Ryou swallowed the words, but Lance seemed to guess what he nearly said.

“When I don’t act like your friend.” Lance stood up and started to pace. Hunk was tensing, but didn’t otherwise react. “You don’t treat me like I am your friend. You treat me like I am dangerous. You are both scared of me!”

Hunk was inching backwards, looking ready to bolt. Ryou raised his arms, trying to look harmless. “You – you hurt us. Both of us. Very badly. We are still – still trying to deal with it and to figure out –“

“To figure out if I am lying.” Lance’s voice was still and cold, and suddenly Ryou was back at the garage, fighting for his life. The cold eyes were following his every movement and skilfully evading his every attack. Hunk was lying on the ground, blood gushing out of his wound -

He had to beat Lance, if he wouldn’t Hunk would die –

“Ryou? Ryou!”

Ryou flinched hard, feeling like his heart was trying to break out of his ribcage. He rose from the slouch he had ended up in and saw Hunk sit next to him, but far enough that Ryou wouldn’t be able to strike him.

“Breathe with me, okay? In on one, two, three – and out…”

Ryou followed Hunk’s directions, his heartbeat easing and the cold clamminess easing.

Ryou turned his head and saw Lance stand next to the wall, observing him. Ryou flinched. Something in him felt just like when Haggar had been modifying and examining him – not him, Shiro – before she would decide how she was going to hurt him this time.

He looked back at Hunk and saw how pale he was and how his eyes were glittering. Ryou carefully scooted closer and rubbed his shoulder, trying to show him (or himself) that he was really here and not in the memory. Or in a nightmare.

Hunk let out a shuddering sob. “Can I give you a hug?”

Ryou nodded and barely managed to lift his arms when Hunk was there, enveloping him into a tight hug. His face was pulled right into Hunk’s thick shoulder, and he had to squirm a bit to keep his airways open and to return the hug. He closed his eyes and breathed in Hunk’s smell of oil, engines, spices, and all that made Hunk Hunk.

When he opened his eyes again, he could see Lance in the exact same spot, leaning on the wall, but looking more and more confused.

Ryou couldn’t figure out why.

***

When Coran finally came back, they were all sitting on chairs, with several meters of distance between them and Lance. No one was talking, and the air was so thick he swore he would be able to cut it with a knife.

Coran was waving the scarf in the air like it was a victory flag. It was bright blue.

Sometimes Ryou didn’t know if he should hug the man or punch him in the face.

Lance didn’t mention the colour, didn’t seem to realize the meaning of it. He just pulled it around his neck and the lifted the edge up, covering his face just below the eyes.

For a moment Ryou thought that either himself or Hunk would react to that, but the colour was so different and cheerful from the one he had worn in the hospital that his mind didn’t seem to make the connection.

Beyond the colour it was skin tight and they could all see the movements of Lance’s lips and throat, though it seemed to not be restricting him at all. It just covered up the scars and made the missing part of the lip look less severe.

“The scarf looks nice?” Hunk’s voice was tender, like he was excepting a rebuke. Lance’s eyes flitted in his direction, but he didn’t say anything.

“Well thank you! The Castle’s replicators work very well and create fabrics that are quite comfortable, breathable, durable, and stainproof!”

Lance’s eyes crinkled in laughter. “I can breathe in very well, thank you.”

“That is good to hear. We do all wish for you to feel well in here.” Coran had moved closer to him, but stilled when Lance started to back away. “Should you wish for anything, please tell us and we will do our best to provide it.”

Ryou could see Lance swallowing, and his voice was hoarse. “Thank you.”

Coran only nodded, his happy smile brightening the entire room. “And now I must ask for you and Ryou to leave, unless you wish to help us fix this!”

Ryou looked at the machine and images of being stuck in there, bored out of his mind while Hunk and Coran talked in a language he wouldn’t be able to understand, threatened to overwhelm him. His face paled and he desperately sneaked a look at Lance. He didn’t look at all excited either, so when their eyes accidentally locked, Ryou blurted out, “I – We thought that we would go to check out the pool, remember?”

Lance nodded, eyes brightening. “Yes! You said it was a weird one?”

Ryou was nodding hard enough to fear for his neck. Coran only laughed and started to shoo them away, but they were already running out of the door.

***

Lance was standing in the pool area, staring at the ceiling, and Ryou could see his mouth hanging open even with the scarf. Ryou snorted, and could no longer keep his giggles in at the sight. Lance gave him a playful glare, which only made the giggles worse and he ended up nearly folding in half, devolving into hysterical cackles.

Lance rolled his eyes at him and went back to stare at the upside-down pool.

“How does it work?” he asked incredulously. Ryou took few deep breaths, but there was still noticeable mirth in his voice.

“Some sort of localized gravity centre. Does make you feel dizzy if you swim in it and happen to look down. Up.”

Lance smirked at him. “Depends on the point of view, eh?”

Ryou rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes smartass,” he continued “But it is breathtaking. Hunk can’t swim in it, he tried but he ended up puking. Was depressed for days until we took him to a planet where he could swim normally.”

“He likes to swim?”

“Yes. He loves it. Not as much as–“ Ryou swallowed and hesitated for a heartbeat until he figured out how to continue, “He is technically the Yellow paladin but his love of water nears the passion of the Blue.”

“Does the Blue paladin swim here often?” There was nothing but simple curiosity in Lance’s voice.

“No, Allura tends to be… busy. If she has time she does other things.”

“Oh. That’s a pity,” Lance sighed, melancholy seeping into his voice. “I wish I knew how to swim.”

Ryou fidgeted and finally said, “If you are serious, we could probably teach you.” This was likely a bad idea.

Lance’s eyes brightened. ”I would love that.”

Maybe he should’ve asked the others first.

***

When Lance was back in his room and all of them were convening in the lounge, with Pidge on the monitor duty, he informed them on what he had promised.

As he guessed, there was an explosion.

“You did WHAT?” Sometimes Ryou wondered if his own voice sounded like that too. He hoped not.

“I offered to teach him to swim.” Okay, maybe the eyeroll was borderline insubordinate. The glare Shiro gave told him that it was not appreciated.

“Why?” Pidge asked. She was looking more and more exhausted as days passed by, and Ryou knew that Matt and Shiro had talked about setting up an intervention before she crashed. At her question, he just looked at all of them, surprised that none seemed to get it.

“Lance can swim. We know this. He says he can’t.” He could see some of them nodding, with frustration starting to grow. “Now we can watch if there is any muscle memory, or – “

“Or if he is really telling the truth.” The realization seemed to hit Pidge like a truck.

“Or if he is lying,” and that brought them all down. “That type of skill is very hard to hide, and we would be with him in the pool, watching closely.”

Now they were all looking at him in cautious excitement.

“Why are you suggesting something like this?“ Keith asked, confusion in his voice.

“Because Coran can’t build the machine fast enough and I – we need answers,” the halt in his voice was small enough that only Shiro noticed it, if the narrowing of his eyes was any indication.

“The sooner we can figure all this out, the sooner we can stop treating him like a prisoner.” After Ryou said that, Shiro’s eyes widened, catching his point.

“It is a good idea” Shiro said tiredly. Hunk made a noise deep in his throat, and the rest of the humans in the room didn’t appear any better. “As Ryou said, we won’t leave him alone, and me and Ryou will be there if anything goes bad. Anyone else?”

They both looked at Hunk, who was their strongest swimmer after – after Lance, but he was shaking his head. “I c-can’t. I can’t be in the pool with him, I can’t watch him-“ his voice broke at the end, but he didn’t start to cry. Just looked at Shiro pleadingly.

“That’s okay,” Shiro said soothingly, “we won’t force anyone.”

“I would like to participate in this endeavour.” Everyone looked at Allura in surprise. She just smiled a little and said, “I am familiar with swimming, and there are several teaching programs at the pool I am familiar with. My ‘super strength,’” everyone could hear her humour at the last part, and Ryou tried very hard not to think how Lance had crooned over it, “could be useful if something does go wrong.”

“What type of learning program is it?” Pidge asked suspiciously. They were all remembering the language program and the intensity of their training deck.

“We can alter it to fit your human sensibilities!” Allura smirked, teasing. Pidge stuck out her tongue, and Allura made a show of trying to pinch it, but Pidge sucked it back in, laughing.

“How long will it take to get the pool ready?” Shiro asked at Coran.

“Oh, that will be done in a varga! I can go do it right now!” Coran rushed towards the door, but Shiro managed to grab his arm and stop him before he got too far. “Not right now, he is resting in his room –“

“He just turned from his side to back and I can hear him snoring!” Pidge chirped, smirking.

“Thanks Pidge,” said Shiro with mild humour. “And it’s better not to wake him up. We will do this tomorrow or the quintant after.”

There was some hesitant grumbling and then they all went on their way.

***

Next quintant they were in the dressing room changing into their swimsuits, when Lance asked, “How deep is it?”

“It varies. There are some deep spots, but also parts where it’s barely to my knees.” Shiro was standing with his back to them, appearing uncomfortable. Ryou knew what it was about. It was quite ironic that him coming here, with mostly the same scars was the reason Shiro had begun to be more comfortable in his body, but undressing in front of someone who was technically a stranger was still hard for him. That’s why Ryou had changed first, and now stood back straight and scars visible in his black and white speedo.

Lance had barely even glanced at him, seemingly not understanding the implication.

Lance had changed into his blue speedo but was still wearing a t-shirt and his scarf. He fiddled with the edge of his shirt, until he seemed to make up his mind and stripped it off in one fluid movement.

It took everything in Ryou to not to make a noise. Lance’s torso was – practically pure scar tissue. It was the same severity as the scar on his face, ‘ _An explosion_ ,’ his mind whispered and made all of his scars look like cat scratches in comparison. The remaining parts of his arms were also heavily scarred, and Ryou tried very hard not to think what those would have looked like before healing. Shiro turned too, the sudden silence probably making him suspicious, and Ryou could see his own reaction flash on his face, too quick for anyone else to notice.

Lance was looking at the floor, his arms folded protectively over his chest, saying nothing.

Finally, Shiro cleared his throat, “Allura is probably waiting for us. Let’s not disappoint the Princess?” Ryou grimaced when Lance wasn’t looking. The cheer on Shiro’s voice was obviously faked, and what he could see from Lance’s reactions, he knew it too.

Yet he didn’t insist on wearing a shirt. Ryou hoped he could know what that meant.

Allura was, in fact, waiting for them outside with fully dressed Coran. She was smiling and gave no outward reaction at the scars she could see.

“How will we get into the pool?” Lance asked in trepidation.

Allura continued smiling. “It is quite easy, first you need to activate the waterfall on the wall,” she pushed a few buttons next to her and a small waterfall appeared ten meters away from them, flowing from bottom to up. No matter how many times he saw that, it still made him feel queasy. “And then you walk on it to the top.”

“Is it deep?” Lance was starting to sound scared, his voice wobbling.

“The depth can be changed, but right now it’s only up to your knee”, Coran explained cheerfully. “I will be staying down here to keep an eye on the pool’s settings and in case you need me for something.”

“I hate this part too,” Ryou confessed, seeing the hesitation and fear on Lance’s face, “but it’s completely safe.”

“I will go first.” Shiro belted out and set his foot into the stream. When he removed his other foot from the ground, Ryou’s mind expected him to fall, crashing to the floor, but he continued to wade upwards.

It was very nerve-wracking to watch.

When Shiro reached the middle point, he turned and gave his best shit-eating grin. “Come on slowpokes!” Ryou bristled, knowing that he would only continue the teasing and walked into the water first.

He had taken a dozen steps when he turned around to see if Allura and Lance were following him. They were standing next to the waterfall and Lance was making an excellent impression of Hunk, with his face so clammy and green. Allura was holding his shoulder and saying, “If you feel like you can’t walk, you can go on your hands and knees and crawl up.” At that Lance glanced sharply at her, eyes pinched in anger. Allura only blinked slowly and continued, “Hunk and Matt can’t walk this either, and Pidge only sometimes.”

Lance was still looking at her with suspicion, but started to carefully put his hands in the stream. When he reached the bottom (wall? Ryou didn’t even know) he lifted his knee and deliberately set it there too, his other knee following suit. Then he started to crawl upwards, eyes almost closed and a tight look on his face. Allura followed his example, even when all of them knew she was completely capable of reaching the pool by walking.

Ryou turned and continued his wading. He didn’t want to get in their way.

They all managed to get into the pool without any incidents. This part was only slightly deeper than the waterfall, and Lance was looking back at the floor, waving his hands, trying to feel at which point the gravity would flip. (It was one meter away from the surface, as long as no body part was touching the water. There had been multiple testings, and Coran had yelled at them afterwards.)

Ryou was sitting at the bottom, only his head above the water and blowing air into the surface and watching the ripples he made. Allura was explaining to Lance the physics involved, while Lance listened intently. Shiro was trying to find an area deep enough for learning, but shallow enough that they could teach Lance without him getting scared. The Altean learning program needed a certain depth too.

Ryou dipped his head underwater, trying to hide the look on his face. He knew it had been his idea, but the closer and closer they got to implementing it, the more unsure it felt.

When he resurfaced he could see Shiro stand navel deep in the water, hollering for them to come there. Ryou stood up, brushing the wet strands of his hair away from his face. Lance was looking unsure, but in the end followed Allura. Ryou sighed and waded towards them.

Suddenly Allura frowned. “I do not believe that you should wear your mask here. It may be waterproof, but I am unsure on how good it is for swimming.”

Lance’s eyes widened and he stilled, visibly contemplating. No one said anything, not wanting to push. In the end he raised his hands slowly at the bottom of his scarf, and carefully lifted it off. His hair stood up in multiple directions, but Ryou kept his laughter in when he saw the look on his face. Lance was biting his lips hard enough that Ryou wondered if he was going to bite through them.

Gingerly Lance handed the scarf to Allura, who asked, “Is it okay if I throw this to Coran?” At Lance’s small nod she turned and yelled, “Coran, catch!” And threw the scarf at him. The older Altean turned just in time for it to hit him straight in the face.

Ryou couldn’t help it, he snorted at Coran’s stunned look. He could hear Allura’s giggles and Shiro’s similar chuckles, but it was Lance’s low laughter that lightened them all up. Coran hollered something, waving the mask at them, but Ryou couldn't hear it through his own cackles.

When they had all calmed down, with only a few giggles left, Shiro said, “Well, the first step is to teach you to float. If you would get on your back, I will hold you horizontal.”

When Lance didn’t look particularly excited about it, Ryou rushed out, “If you want to call it quits, we can. No harm done.” Allura and Shiro gave him a sharp, surprised look but Lance only shook his head and went closer to Shiro. Shiro put out his hands horizontally, palms up at the surface. Ryou helped Lance to carefully set himself on top of them, the right hand on Lance’s upper back and the left on his thighs.

The first time they tried it Lance was so tense that his head accidentally went underneath, and he flinched hard enough to get water in his nose. The second time went better, them telling Lance to concentrate on breathing and him managing to get some buoyancy. He floated peacefully and Shiro’s hands gradually moved away from under him.

At this point Allura nodded at Shiro, and said, “We will activate the training program right now.” Coran heard her, and Ryou could see him going to a wall panel and pushing some buttons. There was a loud warning noise, making all of them flinch and Lance to tense so that he stopped floating. Lance pushed himself upwards, spluttering and eyes wide.

No one had time to even figure out an explanation for the sound when the water in the pool started to move. The current was slow at first, tugging them but not enough to lose their balance.

Ryou had to remind himself that they actually wanted this, but then the bottom of the pool suddenly moved several meters deeper, taking all of them with it. Ryou inhaled some water in his shock, and desperately tried to reach the surface.

He knew that Altean learning was more of throwing in the deep end, but this was ridiculous! Allura and Coran had said that they had turned it to something much saner!

He burst into the air and barely managed to take a breath when the pool started to churn harder. Ryou didn’t have time to see where the others were when the current took him with it. He slammed against the edge of the pool, but didn’t manage to grab a hold of it, not even with his prosthesis arm.

Ryou went under again, flailing. He thought he saw some limbs pass him, but then he hit a spot where the currents crossed and suddenly it felt like he was being thrown in multiple directions. He tried to grab onto something, anything, but there was only water. He couldn’t even tell which way was the surface, and slowly his vision started to darken. Something punched him in the back, the air escaping from his lungs and he inhaled in panic, water going deep into his lungs and feeling like burning lava.

 _This is not how I thought I would die_ , rang through his head and then everything went dark.

***

When he came to, his ribs were hurting something awful and he was on his side, coughing out water. It felt like his lungs had been ripped into tiny pieces, the water still spewing out making it worse.

People were talking, but Ryou could only concentrate on coughing. He had no energy, and he only distantly realized that he was being rolled onto a stretcher. He laid on his side, trying to fall asleep but every time he was close, someone shook him to wake him up. He wanted to snap at them, but the effort felt too great.

Being put into a pod felt like a relief.

***

Shiro stood in front of the healing pod and bit his lip hard enough that he could taste blood. Allura was standing next to him, a similar look of guilt adorning her face.

“I told Pidge to check the program. That was not the setting we had created.” Allura said, voice shaking. Shiro didn’t know how to feel about that. Ryou had nearly died because the Castle had glitched, but it had been their idea to create something completely new in only a few vargas. Maybe it was justice that it had been one of them to be hurt the worst when it blew up in their faces.

He just wanted for it to have been him, not Ryou.

It felt odd to think about. Finding out about Ryou had not been easy, and it had taken a long time for him to not to flinch when he saw Ryou’s face. Even when he started to call Ryou his brother, there had been tension that still hadn’t gone away fully.

Part of him was surprised how deeply this was hurting him. The feel of Ryou’s mouth against his, of his ribs cracking under Shiro’s hands was still strong, and the relief he felt when Ryou had lurched upwards and started to cough out water had nearly made him faint.

He forcibly tore his eyes away from his peacefully sleeping brother and asked, “Where are Coran and Lance?”

“In the lounge. Hunk said he was going to bring them some comfort food.”

Shiro nodded, eyes distant. When the pool had gotten out of control, he had grabbed Lance instinctively. They had had the luck to end up in one of the remaining shallow areas, and had screamed for Coran to stop the program. Allura and Ryou had been completely out of sight, but Lance had clung on him in obvious terror so Shiro couldn’t dive for them.

Coran had stopped the program quickly, and Allura had come back to the surface, gasping and coughing. Then he had seen Ryou laying on the bottom, unmoving. Shiro had immediately left Lance and started to swim towards him, but Allura had been closer and reached him first. The realization that Ryou wasn’t breathing had nearly frozen him, but they had all gotten back to the ground quickly and Shiro had immediately started first aid. He could have lived his whole life not knowing how Ryou’s mouth tasted like, and while he had given chest compressions he had also broken several of Ryou’s ribs. He was willing to bet that those snaps would be joining his nightmares in the future.

“I think I kicked him.” Shiro turned towards her in surprise of her sudden words. “In the pool. I remember hitting something with my foot and it giving way, but my eyes were closed so I didn’t know what it was.”

“It’s not your fault.” He didn’t know what else to say.

“I know,” her voice sounded empty and tired. “But I might have killed him anyways. You humans are sometimes so oddly fragile.”

Shiro couldn’t muster up some light-hearted teasing they all usually did when the differences between their species came up, so he only sighed.

Neither of them said anything, only continued to look at Ryou.

***

They did go to the lounge area in the end. Coran and Lance were still there, as were Hunk, Keith and Pidge. Matt was participating in a separate Coalition mission, making the Castle just a bit quieter and emptier.

They were all looking pale and shocked, and guilt hit Shiro in the heart once more. Even Coran was quiet, his moustache drooping. Lance had pulled on a shirt, which looked suspiciously like Hunk’s.

“Ryou has some water in his lungs and a few broken ribs. He will get out of the pod in few vargas.” At Allura’s words there were a few relieved nods, but otherwise the mood didn’t change. Allura and Shiro exchanged worried looks. This was not normal behaviour from any of them.

“I-“ Shiro tensed when Lance started to speak. “I haven’t been quite honest with you.”

Cold dread slipped down his spine when all sorts of possibilities ran through his head.

“I do remember. Who I am and-“

What. “What?! Why didn’t you tell us?” The betrayal stung him, making him feel light-headed and nauseous. If Lance remembered, why the act? Why would he wish to cause so much pain? All these questions rumbled through his head, making him nearly miss the rest of what Lance was saying.

“My name is Tanja Navrátilová, and I am a 28-year old English teacher and I am Czech. Last thing I remember is breaking up some eggs for my breakfast, and the next thing I know I am in a cell in a spaceship.”

What the quiznak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit is about to hit the fan <3
> 
> All of your comments make me grin and rub my hands with demented glee. ^^
> 
> Again, my blog is here: http://floranna2.tumblr.com/


	8. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your reactions made me cackle. ^^

Shiro sat down hard, his mind reeling. Now everyone’s shocked looks made sense.

Allura was still standing, eyes wide and jaw hanging low. Shiro doubted he had ever seen her look as shocked.

“W-what?” He had never heard her stutter.

Lance – no, Tanja – shrugged. “I didn’t tell you because – well, I didn’t trust you. And I was confused and scared and really creeped out about –“ she stopped, swallowing, “about this body.”

Pidge was sounding slightly hysterical “Yes, because you are –“

“A woman. And white. And heavier and with two arms.” There were tears in her voice and Shiro just swallowed, trying not to puke.

He had no idea what to do.

Coran, the blessed Coran creeped closer and put his hand around L-Tanja’s shoulders. At his contact she broke down completely and started to sob against his shoulder. Hunk seemed to snap out of his funk and walked over, sat next to her and pulled both of them into a big hug. Keith was visibly biting his cheek, shock making him uncharacteristically still and silent.

Though none of them could figure out what to say either.

“What is Czech?” Allura’s comment came out of the blue, making Shiro stare at her in confusion.

He tried to parse what exactly she was asking, but Pidge caught on quicker. She burst out in laughter, and amongst her giggles she managed to say, “Czech is not a thing, it’s,” more giggling here, and Shiro could feel the edges of his lips twitch upwards. “It’s a country in Central Europe.” It wasn’t even that funny.

He gave up and let out a snicker, which spread on until everyone except Coran and Allura were laughing. Even Tanja was giving out hiccupping little laughs, and Shiro’s heart warmed in relief.

Allura was looking comically annoyed, raising her nose up and using her silliest and snottiest voice, “I can’t be expected to remember everything you tell me about your planet!”

Shiro was hitting the sofa in his mirth, tears falling down his cheeks. Allura continued on with her insulted royalty act, drawing out the joke. When they were finally settling down, she asked in her normal voice, “You said you are a teacher of English?”

Tanja blew her nose on the tissue Hunk had given her. “Yes, for high school students. I live in – in Brno.”

“It must be very rewarding to teach the young minds!” Coran gushed.

Tanja laughed, wiping down the rest of her tears “It’s an experience, that’s for sure!”

“You were – breaking eggs?” Shiro didn’t even know why he clung onto that detail, but Tanja only nodded.

“Yes. I think I was on my second egg."

“That’s – I don’t even know,” sighed Allura. “I do not know how anything could be a cause for your situation right now –“

“Anything could!” Pidge pressed. She was cleaning her glasses on the edge of her shirt, looking wide-eyed and stressed. “We do not know that!”

“We do not know anything right now,” repeated Allura, snapping, making Pidge lean back in shock. Then she forced herself to relax and looked at Allura, making note on her still damp hair and slight slouch. Shiro knew he didn’t look any better, but tried to press on. He could relax later.

Coran lifted his head a bit, and pulled Tanja’s head up too to look her in the eyes. “We have been building a certain machine that would able us to take a read on your quintessence.”

“My what?” Oh no, now Coran would –

“Why, quintessence is –“

“Quintessence is, for short, energy that is in every living creature, and no quintessence signature is ever identical. It might help us to find out what happened, or at least point us to a path.” Allura butted in, cutting Coran’s explanation short. Shiro sighed a little in relief. Coran tended to get long-winded when excited, and right now he really didn’t have energy for it. And looking at Tanja, neither did she.

“Oh,” Tanja swallowed, her neck bobbing and shoulders rising. She pulled her limbs and neck closer, reminding Shiro of a scared turtle. “Will you look inside my head?” Now she sounded definitely nauseous. Shiro wondered if he would need to go pick up the Puke Bucket. It needed to be in use distressingly often.

“Yes and no! We won’t get to see any of your memories or thoughts or feelings, just your deep quintessence. It’s more of a, what you humans call it, finger print reader! I have all of your quintessence signatures stored, and comparing them will be very easy.”

Tanja visibly relaxed, her back untensing and started to slowly unfurl. She gave a small smile, but didn’t say anything.

“Are you feeling better?” Shiro could see Coran’s moustache fluff up and nearly vibrate, and at Tanja’s nod the tips curled upwards in joy.

“I just… Can I have my scarf back?” Coran blinked at her question, and quickly started to pat around his attire. Shiro was starting to wonder on how many actual pockets the Altean had, when he pulled the garment out of… his back? Shiro didn’t even know.

“Here it is!” Coran brandished it like a flag, waving it around. Tanja giggled a bit, and grabbed it when it got close to her. Coran let go of it and asked more seriously, “You do know that you don’t need to wear it around us?”

Tanja had already put the scarf on and was straightening some bunched up parts. She turned her gaze downwards, looking uneasy. Before any one could say anything, she said, “I- I can’t look at it.”

“The scar?” Coran’s voice was so careful and gentle, like he was trying to calm an injured kitten.

“No,” she breathed in, the rattle in it audible even for Shiro, “his face.”

Coran’s face fell, and Shiro’s stomach followed the example. Everyone else also looked like they had been hit with a fish.

Tanja continued on, not looking at anyone and once again holding back tears. “It’s not mine. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to _touch it_ …” She stopped at that, pulling the top edge of her scarf high enough to cover her eyes and curled inwards.

She really looked like a turtle.

“I – you should wear it then. If it makes you feel better.” Pidge blurted, looking slightly stunned. Then she continued, “I – I might be able to help you. With the – other things.”

“Things?” Tanja’s voice was muffled, but the confusion was still clear.

Now Pidge was blushing and looking uncomfortable. “About – about how to help you feel like yourself.”

“Oh,” there was silence that no one dared to break. “I would – I would like that.”

Pidge hummed and nodded ferociously. Then she started to pluck at her sleeves, signalling that this part of the conversation was over.

Shiro tried to figure out what to say, but his brain felt sluggish. Keith’s voice made him snap his head upwards fast enough to crick his neck. “Go to sleep.” Keith was scowling and Shiro scowled back. “You look like you are going to drop.” Shiro scowled harder.

Allura clapped her hands making even Tanja lower the scarf from her eyes. “We do all need some rest. As me and Coran haven’t reached our own sleep cycle yet, we will be going to med bay to keep an eye on Ryou.” She was smiling, but there was an edge to it that promised pain and misery to anyone who disobeyed it.

Shiro was distressingly familiar with what she was capable of doing to those who did disobey. He never wanted to see the Castle’s sewers in his life again.

Keith was looking mutinous, and Shiro somehow managed to dig up and aim a disapproving look at him. He was exhausted, and the thought of standing up and going to bed felt overwhelmingly difficult.

Pidge was grumbling, but stood up, rubbing the bridge of her nose. She walked out of the door, only looking back at them once. Shiro really hoped that she actually went to sleep, and did not spend the whole night working on her computer.

Hunk and Coran were helping Tanja to stand up, and she was leaning heavily on Hunk, looking almost boneless. Shiro was relieved to see that Hunk seemed to be far more at ease, not tensing even when she was leaning her whole body against him. Coran was giving them a soft look, but said nothing.

When Hunk and Lance walked out of the door, for a moment Shiro was reminded on how Lance would drape himself over Hunk whenever his mood struck, sometimes even getting a piggy-back ride. Hunk had only ever laughed and either cheerfully gone with it, or dramatically and hammily protested it.

Shiro scrunched his eyes shut, the sudden wave of grief and pain nearly drowning him. When he opened his eyes again, Keith, Allura and Coran were giving him worried looks. He smiled at them, but it felt stiff and fake. Keith shared a silent argument with Allura, and in the end he tensed up and marched out.

Shiro sighed and lifted himself up. “Tell me when he wakes?” Coran nodded, and Shiro shuffled away.

***

When Ryou was told Tanja’s story his face… was exactly like his own, Shiro was sure.

He hoped against it though. He didn’t look that dumb when his jaw was hanging open, right?

Shiro was still feeling doozy, the few vargas he had managed to sleep not enough to make him feel rested. Ryou looked – probably as bad, but Shiro was hoping for worse.

Sometimes it really sucked to have someone who shared the exact same face as you did. You got far too accurate a mirror and the self-consciousness was a killer.

“That’s… I don’t know what I expected.”

Allura sighed at his side and rubbed her forehead. “Coran, what’s the situation with the quintessence machine?”

“Nearly finished! Only a bit of detail work left and then we can find our answers.”

Shiro bit the corner of his mouth trying to keep the anxiety in. He didn’t know what answer he wanted to receive, and the possibilities curdled in his mind, but he couldn’t make himself say them. It felt too awful to even think about.

“What will we do if Lance is gone?” Oh well, Ryou didn’t seem to have that burden. Shiro didn’t know if he wanted to hug or punch the guy.

Coran’s hands stilled and he looked – ancient. Shiro was starkly reminded that even when he acted like a goofy uncle, he was centuries old and a war veteran. Coran looked them in the eyes and a shiver ran along Shiro’s spine.

“Then we will live with that knowledge.”

***

The machine looked like an EEG, with its swim cap and dozens of little wire sensors. Pidge was biting her lip to keep her laughter in, but judging from Tanja’s glare, she wasn’t succeeding. Even Shiro was looking suspiciously bland-faced, and Ryou had already excused himself to go somewhere else. Allura and the rest of the team were sent somewhere else, simply so that they wouldn’t get in the way.

“Now, lay down and try to relax,” Coran’s endlessly cheerful voice announced. Tanja rolled her eyes and Pidge was hit with how familiar she looked. She knew it was Lance’s body, but some reactions, some gestures were just so… Lance, that she was left reeling. The whiplash was so sudden and harsh that she felt she was standing on a slippery deck, not knowing which side to fall.

There was a firm grip on her shoulder, and when she turned her head, she could see Shiro. He was standing next to her, and now that Pidge was closer, she could see worry lines around his mouth. The realization hit her like a semi. He hadn’t been hiding any mirth, and now Pidge could feel the dread settle in her chest. A million thoughts ran through her mind, none of them settling enough for her to analyse.

The hand on her shoulder tightened, but Shiro’s face stayed motionless and glued to Tanja. She was now lying on the recliner, eyes closed, and she appeared to be restful. Coran was fiddling with the monitor with a focused look in his eyes.

“Now I will activate the quintessence machine, or QM, and inform me if you feel any kind of discomfort!” at Coran’s words Pidge swallowed, hard, and tried very firmly not to snicker. Tanja let out a single bark of laughter in her surprise, but settled down quickly, though there was still a hint of smile in her lips.

Shiro was the unluckier one, as he inhaled some spit in his shock and was now coughing hard enough to make Pidge distantly worry that he was going to injure himself.

Coran raised his head from the monitor and was looking at him in worry, but Pidge could see a twinkle in his eyes. He had definitely done that on purpose!

That did it, she couldn’t keep it in. The laughter burst out of her like a dam had broken, flooding out of her mouth and making her eyes water amidst her hysterical laughter. Shiro looked at her in surprise, his coughs easing bit by bit. It only made her cackle harder, and she held on to her stomach, nearly folding in half. She went on, releasing it to the world until she saw Tanja. She was staring at her with hard, indescribable eyes and it made all of her laughter fizzle out like a balloon, leaving her empty and drained.

The look on Tanja’s face lightened and she started to chuckle, but Pidge couldn’t make herself get back into the laughter. Shiro had stopped coughing and was looking at Pidge quizzically, the smile on his lips disappearing. Pidge just flitted her eyes at Tanja, making Shiro frown in confusion.

Sometimes she really wished that being a Paladin would also come with telepathy.

Coran was humming happily, his moustache fluffing up at the edges. Pidge wondered if it was somewhat sentient.

“Now, close your eyes and try to relax,” Tanja snorted at Coran’s words but did settle down more comfortably, closing her eyes. Pidge could hear her low, steady breathing in the silence, and was once again struck on how different she was from Lance. Oh, Lance would get silent and still when he concentrated hard enough. The first time she had seen him do it while sniping she had gotten scared that he had been hurt, until the shot had rung out and Pidge had heard a low whoop in her comms.

But it was always a special occasion, either in battle, or in important meetings, or training. He had never done it so easily and casually as Tanja did now.

Pidge scrunched her eyes closed and breathed in through the nose and out from the mouth. It would be of no use to start to cry right now.

Sometimes, when she lied down on her bed at night, she wondered what she actually wanted. Sometimes she was just so tired of hunting down for every slight glimmer of hope. Oh, she had gotten Matt back, but after him there had been nothing on her father and then Lance… It felt like every time they were given a break, some other new information would appear and kick them back down, but with just enough lenience that they could latch on to the hope and continue, until it happened again. And again. And again.

She wanted this vicious circle to end. Even if it meant that Lance was truly and fully gone.

Sometimes she really hated herself.

Shiro put his hand back on her shoulder, making her flinch. She hadn’t even noticed that he had removed it. He was gazing at her tiredly, looking a decade older. She moved closer and leaned on his side.

Shiro removed his hand from her shoulder to pull her even closer. He wasn’t as great of a hugger as Hunk, with all of his hard muscles, but he was much better than Keith who was still awkward and tense, always second-guessing himself. Pidge relaxed, laying her ear against his chest. She could hear his heartbeat calm down and feel his muscles unwind.

Coran was moving his fingers on the interface, his previous mirth gone. He looked focused and hard in a way that made Pidge swallow.

It was never a good thing when Coran got serious.

Tanja let out a loud sigh and suddenly relaxed to the point of looking boneless. Her breath went deep and even, and for a tick Pidge just stood there, staring. Did she just fall asleep?

“What happened?” Shiro sounded surprised and worried, his forehead pinching up. Coran raised his head and gave a small smile.

“I just sent some energy through the machine to make her fall asleep.”

“You can do that?” Pidge interrupted, not knowing if she should feel impressed or scared.

“Yup!” Coran gave a cartoonish smile “Doesn’t really work if the subject is expecting it, so I couldn’t say it. Wondrous technology, very useful.”

“She really is asleep, then.” Shiro approached the sleeping Tanja, but Coran reached out his arm to stop him.

“I only made her fall asleep, she will wake up as she would in normal sleep. I must start the quintessence readings before she wakes.”

Shiro nodded and stepped back next to Pidge.

“Why couldn’t you make the readings while she was awake?” Pidge frowned. He had mentioned how the machine didn’t work automatically, and if he had used it on himself, Coran must have been awake while doing so.

“Yes, it’s possible. But your personal quintessence changes on every thought, feeling and even dinner that you have eaten, though the base of it always stays the same. So if you want to do a reading like we are trying to do, she needs to be asleep and her quintessence unstained from the world and thoughts around her.”

The explanation made sense, sort of, and Pidge cursed at herself on not having tried to study more about quintessence before now. It was something she had planned to do for her entire Paladin career, but whenever she had time there was just some new exciting tech or hacking to do and it was just… pushed aside.

Shiro nodded along, keeping his eyes peeled on Tanja. She slept on, not reacting to any noises they were making.

“And now I’ll start. Please be quiet, this needs my full concentration.” Coran was once again serious and Pidge straightened herself and snapped her mouth shut.

First there were no signs, but then there was a spark on one of the sensors. A genuine golden spark, which made Pidge yelp out loud. Coran hummed and swiped something at his screen, following the readings closely.

Pidge didn’t dare to move, trying to supress the slight trembling of her arms so nothing would distract Coran. Shiro was tense like a steel beam next to her, looking like he was tasting bile.

“Quiznak,” Coran mumbled suddenly and Pidge nearly jumped out of her skin.

“What? What happened? What did you do?!” Her voice reached an octave she had previously been unaware of, but Coran didn’t seem to hear her. Before she could ask again, Shiro put his hand on her arm and squeezed warningly. Pidge settled, biting her cheek. At least Tanja didn’t look like she was in pain and looked to be in peace. Pidge was starting to feel jealous.

She had no idea how much time had passed when Coran breathed in loudly and straightened, his eyes turning on them. He walked around the machine and gently shook Tanja’s shoulder, waking her up. She sighed and rubbed her eyes, looking slightly confused.

“What happened?”

“I had to put you asleep to do the reading, but now we are done.” Tanja locked her eyes with Coran, and Pidge could see the sudden tenseness on her shoulders.

“Oh.”

“Soooo, what’s the verdict?” Pidge gritted out, clenching her teeth. The tension in her was making her shake, and she felt like she was coming apart at her seams. Shiro, if possible, went even tenser than before and didn’t move except to nod at Coran. It was probably supposed to be encouraging.

Coran was still looking at Tanja when he spoke. “This is something all of you need to hear. I will summon everyone here.”

Pidge tried to swallow to make the sudden nausea go away. Now was not the time to pull a Hunk.

Shiro, once again, only nodded, making Pidge want to shake him until he showed some emotion.

***

They all convened in the lounge, everyone looking like they were preparing for a funeral. Except Coran, who was smiling a smile that was so fake that a blind toddler would have picked that up, and Tanja who looked like she was going to puke. Distantly Pidge wondered if she would have to go get the Puke Bucket.

Hunk was wringing his hands, eyes misty. “What is – what is the –“ he swallowed, unable to continue. Allura pulled him close so his head was on her shoulder.

“What did the readings say?”

The vestiges of the smile left Coran’s face and he went serious. Pidge bit her cheek, the taste of blood staining her tongue.

“Tanja is definitely not Lance.”

Hunk let out a loud sob, burying his face even deeper in Allura’s shoulder. Pidge shuddered, the skin around her eyes tightening. She only realized that her legs had failed when she slumped on the floor, bruising her tailbone. Pidge wanted to scream, but her eyes were dry. Everything went foggy, and she tried to widen and squint her eyes in turns to be able to see, but nothing worked. Distantly she could hear Hunk’s wailing.

_Allura’s ears must hurt._

“Oh please, please don’t – I hadn’t finished!” Coran’s voice pierced her head and she turned her face towards him. She couldn’t see anything but a blur, but Coran seemed to be… jumping up and down?

“Tanja’s quintessence is quite different from Lance’s, but I could detect a separate quintessence, buried deep below Tanja’s, that is definitely Lance’s!”

Pidge gasped, her heart constricting in her chest. A big, stupid grin started to take over her face, making her cheeks hurt. Her eyes were itching and distantly she realized that they weren’t dry at all, when the floodgates broke and fat tears started to roll down her cheeks. She gave up any attempt on holding them back, and just cried. Pidge rolled up, her head going between her knees and just let go, all the stress, grief and fear flooding out in a one huge mess. She might have even laughed a bit, it was hard to tell.

Someone was putting their hands on her back, but she had no idea who it was. She raised her head and saw Ryou smiling down at her, his eyes glistening a bit too. Quickly she rose up from the ball and threw her hands around his neck, still continuing to cry.

When they all started to calm down – Pidge hadn’t even noticed how the rest had taken the news, how was that possible – Shiro asked, “How will we get him back?”

Coran tensed and Pidge nearly bit her tongue in fear. “We can get him back right?” Her voice raised a few octaves, making Ryou wince. She let go of him and stepped forward. “Right?”

“This is – this situation is very very rare, but in the past if someone’s quintessence was this low, we would need to, ahem, lure the quintessence out and tend to it so it could grow and bring the person back. Expect…”

“Me. I am the problem.” Tanja’s voice was flat and she looked tense enough to snap. Her eyes above the mask were flinty, but when Pidge looked at her, they were getting wet.

“Exactly.” Coran was looking at the ground, fiddling with the edge of his shirt. “There is nothing on the archives about another person sharing the body in this type of scenario.”

“How do you know? You just found out about him!” Tanja’s voice was rising, and Pidge definitely wasn’t imaging the small shake in it.

“I did research many things while running the final diagnostics on the machine before using it on you. I am sure.”

“So you would just, what? Kill me!” Tanja was screaming and Pidge flinched, rising her hands to her mouth. Keith and Hunk were saying something, but their voices muddled together and she couldn’t make out anything but their distress.

“No!” Now Shiro was yelling, making all of them quiet up in shock. “No, we won’t sacrifice innocents for – for our own wishes. No matter what.”

Keith and Hunk were looking at the floor and Pidge felt her stomach roll like it was doing cartwheels. Did this mean that Lance –

“I do not believe it’s even necessary.” Pidge startled in surprise. Allura had stayed quiet for the entire conversation, but now as she spoke her voice was firm and commanding. “Lance still has the strongest connection to Blue, and Blue tells me that she can assist us on bringing Lance forward.”

She nodded towards Tanja, smiling kindly. “And as long as you are helping the exchange, Blue should be able to guide you back to your own body in Earth.”

Pidge could feel her jaw dropping. “How – all this distance? And time?” She couldn’t even put it in words.

Allura’s eyes were sparkling. “Yes. Souls are not meant to be apart from their bodies, and her soul will instantly find her way back home.” She hesitated, continuing “And should your body be… not available, Blue would be able to tell us this and we would rethink our plan.”

Pidge sneaked a look at Tanja, who was looking as flabbergasted as Pidge felt. “That –“

Allura interrupted her. “But it will only work if you help the process. Please?” There was a miniscule crack in her voice, which made Pidge turn her head towards the floor.

“I – I will. Let’s meet this Blue.”

Pidge could hear Hunk’s relieved sobbing and fought hard against joining him. Finally, something was starting to go right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My blog is, once again, here: http://floranna2.tumblr.com/


	9. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic Description of Injuries tag is in use in this chapter. Also PTSD and Mental illness galore.

Shiro rubbed the top of his right arm in his nervousness while watching Tanja approach the Blue lion. Ryou and Allura looked as uneasy, but Coran was staring at her, his moustache moving up and down, rubbing his hands together and moving slightly from side to side. Shiro didn’t know why he didn’t just blurt out what was bothering him, it wasn’t like him to hold anything back.

“What is wrong?” Allura asked lowly, being the first one to break. Shiro looked quickly at Tanja and the younger Paladins, but it appeared that they were giving her a pep talk and not hearing them.

Coran sighed, biting the edge of his moustache. Shiro’s insides stilled in worry. Coran was meticulous about his moustache, he would never debase it by chewing on it.

“Do you remember how I said Lance’s quintessence was buried deep beneath hers?” Shiro nodded, the sudden rush of fear nearly deafening him for the rest of what Coran was saying.

“That doesn’t explain the assassin.”

Allura’s eyes widened at that, and she turned her head, tensing at Tanja. She was standing right in front of Blue, close enough to touch her left feet.

“Are you saying…”

“I am saying nothing,” snapped Coran, making the Princess flinch. He softened his voice, the apology clear in his tone if not in words. “Just – be careful.”

They didn’t have time to even nod when a loud explosion rang out and something dark blew past them, hitting the wall behind them. Shiro and Ryou simultaneously activated their arms, prepared to fight.

 

 

The Blue lion was standing still, and when Shiro saw what the object had been, he gasped in horror. Tanja was lying limp on the floor, blood running down her face. While they all were frozen still in shock, she lifted her head and coughed, darks stains appearing on her mask.

Someone screamed, but Shiro didn’t turn to look who it was. He rushed towards Tanja and kneeled next to her, carefully looking her over. Her leg looked shattered, and her head was matted with blood. He thought he could see pieces of bone peaking amongst it.

Tanja opened her eyes, looking at him pleadingly and mouthing out something that Shiro couldn’t make sense of. _Probably Czech_ , he thought distantly. Shiro’s tongue felt heavy and dry in his mouth, and before he could figure out what to say, her eyes rolled up and she went slack and unconscious.

Coran was yelling next to his ear. “Get the stretcher! NOW!” Shiro stood up, dazed, but seeing the shock and horror on Hunk, Pidge and Keith’s faces when they were standing around Tanja, made Shiro steel himself.

He could see Allura on her knees, covering her ears and her face rictus of pain, but she managed to yell at them to concentrate on Tanja.

Shiro ran towards the door, Ryou following him. There was an emergency first aid station close by, meant for when they were injured on missions and couldn’t make it to the med bay on their own.

It probably didn’t take long for them to get back, but every step felt like Shiro was walking in slow motion. He and Ryou rushed next to Tanja, and carefully they all lifted her to the stretcher. She was surprisingly heavy but carrying her towards the med bay was easy. Coran walked next to her, keeping an eye on her vitals and telling them to not to jostle her so much.

She was still breathing, but it was laboured and wet. Blood was dripping from her ribs, and the injury on her head seemed even worse the longer he looked at it.

When they finally changed her to the white healing suit and stuffed her to the pod, Shiro blurted out: “What the fuck happened?”

“Language,” said Pidge automatically, but paled even before Shiro could aim his glare at her. He relented quickly when he saw the tightness on her face. She looked like a single wrong word would make her collapse.

“It was Blue,” Allura said with a tremble in her voice. Her eyes were wide and her skin was ashy pale, but she didn’t seem to be in pain anymore. She was falttening her hands against her skirts, trying to hide the shaking. “She – she attacked her.”

Ryou wheezed next to him and Shiro stood still, the thoughts rushing through him like a wild river. “Why would -?”

“I don’t know. She is – angry. I can only feel her anger.” Allura looked completely unsettled, unable to tear her eyes away from Tanja.

“But why would Blue – Black didn’t do anything like that with –“ Shiro stopped, the words sticking in his throat.

“With me.” Ryou finished his sentence. He was standing still like a statue, only his mouth moving when he continued, “Black ignored me first but he never attacked me. Not even when –“ At that his voice cracked and he slumped down, looking like he was in pain. Hunk shuffled closer to him and pulled him into a tight hug. The Yellow Paladin was pale and there were still stains of blood on his hands, but he brushed them up and down Ryou’s back. Ryou drew a shuddery breath in but reciprocated the hug by burying his face in Hunk’s neck and wrapping his arms around him. Hunk whispered something in his ear, but Shiro couldn’t hear it from where he was standing.

Shiro buried the slight flare of jealousy at the sight and said, “Coran? How badly is she hurt?”

“Her leg is broken in four places. Several ribs were broken also, and two of them lacerated her left lung. The worst damage is in her skull, a large part of it was completely shattered, and some pieces of it may have gone deep into the brain matter.” There was nothing humorous in his expression. “We will see when she gets out if there is any permanent brain damage.”

Hunk sobbed and tightened his arms around Ryou, the creak of his ribs loud even where Shiro was standing, but Ryou said nothing, only hiding his face deeper in his neck. Shiro ignored the tight flare of jealousy and turned towards Coran. “How likely is it -?”

Coran gazed back at him with tired eyes. “Impossible to say. The damage is severe, but we got her to the pod quickly and that always helps.”

Shiro nodded, straightened and tried to take on a more supportive expression. It wasn’t very successful. “How long will she be there?”

“Two movements minimum. Probably three.”

Shiro swallowed discreetly at that. None of them had ever been in a pod for that long, and he could see how much that knowledge shook all of them. Keith looked angry, but his hands were wrapped around his torso in a way that Shiro knew meant that he was afraid. Hunk and Ryou were still wrapped around each other, and Pidge looked like she wanted to curl up tight enough to disappear. Allura was standing still like an ice queen, her face frozen into polite interest that Shiro knew was falser than Santa Claus.

Coran clapped his hands, the loud noise making everyone flinch. “Everyone, leave the bay,” at his words Pidge and Keith bristled, opening their mouths simultaneously, but before they could say anything, Coran continued, “It’s no use for all of us to be here, so we will be taking turns to watch over her. Shiro should be the first, and you can figure out the rest of the shifts yourself.”

“Is she in danger?” The alarm in Keith’s voice was clear.

Coran stared at him in confusion until Shiro could hear the metaphorical lightbulb light up. “Oh no, I just assumed none of you would want for her to be alone!”

Shiro relaxed a bit at that, the fondness over their peculiar space uncle nearly flooding out of his chest. “I agree with this do any of you have any objections?”

Pidge and Keith calmed down, but before they could say anything, Hunk interrupted, disentangling and moving away from Ryou. “I should be the first.”

Shiro blinked in surprise. Hunk rarely, if ever stood up against him, and the tone of his voice was venomous enough to make the words disappear from his head. Distantly he could see Ryou flinch, but before he could start to wonder on that, Hunk continued, “I am his best friend. I should get to be the first.”

 _That was what this was about?_ Shiro barely had time to get annoyed on how frivolous this whole thing was, when Hunk yelled, “You don’t get to – you are the one who put him in danger! You nearly drowned him! You nearly _killed_ him!”

“Hunk –“ Pidge cut him off, “she isn’t Lance.” She was smiling wobblily and putting her hand around his bicep. “She is Tanja, remember?”

Hunk looked at her blankly, until the realisation seemed to hit and he wailed loud enough for Shiro’s ears to hurt and fell down his knees, nearly folding in half. His head hit the floor and he screamed louder than Shiro had ever heard.

“Why doesn’t it ever get any easier? Why doesn’t it _stop_!?”

Shiro didn’t know what to do. Hunk was their rock, and he had ever seen him like this before. He looked around and his eyes fell first to Ryou. He was pale and for some reason afraid and was backing away from Hunk.

Shiro ripped his focus away from Ryou’s odd behaviour and back to Hunk. Luckily for him Coran and Allura were reaching for him, and Pidge was already wrapped around the bawling Hunk.

“It will never let up, will it? We will give and give and just –“ Hunk’s voice was muffled against the floor, but they could all hear his words. “We will be here forever, fighting and fighting, chipping away until we die and –“

There was a noise in Shiro’s throat, but it refused to come out. No one was saying anything, only listening to Hunk’s word vomit.

“I just – I wanna go home.” Hunk raised his head, eyes and nose leaking and his whole face red and bloaty. “I want to see my mum before we all die.”

Now the noise came out. It was a loud, high keen. There were no words in it, and its vibrations made his nose ache. It also brought out tears and in a heartbeat he was kneeling down, crying and dragging Hunk into a hug. For a moment Hunk tensed, but then he melted and answered his hug.

Shiro had no idea how long they were holding each other when a tentative touch came to his back. Shiro raised his head to see who it was and saw only a bit of blurry black and red. Keith.

He couldn’t see the look on Keith’s face, but he could guess. Shiro nodded, and immediately Keith’s arms were around him, his face buried in his back. The rest seemed to take this as a blanket permission and quickly they were all in a big, tear-leaking cuddle pile.

Shiro had no idea how much time had passed, but when Hunk started to gently pull himself away, they all let go. Hunk looked like he was holding the whole weight of Voltron and only barely staying upright, his arms and legs shaking and just generally looking like a wrong breath would make him crumble into dust.

“I can’t – I can’t handle this. I can’t – keep losing.” Hunk sounded tired and looked decades older than his real age.

Allura straightened her back, looking exactly like the princess she was. “We haven’t lost. We have freed a third of the Galran empire from their oppressors, we –“ Hunk interrupted Allura’s gentle, but firm speech.

“And we haven’t gained anything in nearly two years! We have barely managed to hold on to that territory, and Lance -!”

“Lance is still there. Lance is waiting for us, and we _are_ getting him back.” Coran butted in firmly, giving no quarter. “We had a setback, but we are _not_ giving up. Never. I swear.”

Hunk rubbed his nose on his sleeve and nodded, eyes turned to the side, looking at no one. Coran leaned forward and gently pulled him closer, enveloping him into a tight hug.

“I swear,” Shiro could hear him whisper. “I swear.”

***

Watching someone in a healing pod was always kind of fascinating, but also gross. Pidge could see dried blood on Tanja’s temple, and swallowed thickly. She squinted, unable to stop, and tried to see if she could see any pieces of skull in there.

Pidge didn’t know if she was relieved or disappointed when she realized that there was only half-healed tissue and what she really hoped wasn’t dried brain matter.

She flopped on one of the tables and scrolled listlessly on her computer. It was her guard shift, and as much as she didn’t want to leave Lan- Tanja alone, it was also incredibly, mind-numbingly boring. Shiro had told her to do some stretches if it got too tedious, but Pidge wasn’t that desperate. Yet.

She groaned and slapped her computer shut, and laid down, her head hanging upside-down from the edge. She was too restless to concentrate on anything. At the other side of the room the door let out a low whoosh and she raised her head, squinting. For a tick she thought it was Shiro but then she squinted harder and realized that it was Ryou.

He looked like hell. Pidge blinked at him and he blinked back at her in bemusement. She lifted herself up with a groan and turned fully to him.

“What’s up?”

He blinked, _sheesh, this was turning into a blinkfest_ , and let out the air in a loud sigh, slumping a little. Pidge frowned at him, the uneasiness starting to leak in.

“Seriously, what are you doing here? Allura has the next shift.”

Ryou just shuffled towards her and lifted himself to sit next to her, swallowing repeatedly. Pidge could feel her hands getting sweaty. She wasn’t the one people came to when they needed comfort! She was the worst at it!

But he wasn’t saying anything, only looking forward and breathing heavily. Pidge shifted, unsure on how to start talking. Then it struck her like an ion beam: it hadn’t been long when Ryou had been in a pod too. Actually, it had been barely two quintants ago.

“How are you healing?” she asked awkwardly. Ryou lifted his head, the surprise clear on his face.

“I – the pod healed all the damage.”

“That’s not –“ Pidge breathed in and held it for a few heartbeats. “How are _you_ doing?”

Ryou smiled at her, the tiredness radiating from him. “That was not the first time I nearly died, Pidge.”

Pidge was nearly frothing in rage. Was he being dense on purpose? “That’s not – you were injured! Hurt! How are you GODDAMN DOING?!”

That last screech rose nearly to the ceiling, echoing like a demented ghost. Ryou was looking at her wide-eyed in shock. He sneaked a look at Tanja’s pod, like he was half-expecting her to have woken up from that.

Pidge continued to glare at him, and finally he said, “I – it doesn’t bother me. Not really. Just –“ He stalled, searching for words. Then he finally said, defeat clear on his voice. “It’s not just Hunk that is starting to get tired.”

Pidge flinched hard enough to nearly fall from the table. She managed to straighten herself, but Ryou had already noticed her flailing and was looking at her, face slack.

Pidge swallowed, feeling nauseous and like her world had slipped slightly from its axis. Shiro and Ryou were both the head of Voltron, the leaders and the force that pulled them together even when everything felt like ash.

They had lost one of their supports already, and Hunk was crumbling down faster every phoebe. If Ryou would –

She didn’t know if Voltron could survive that.

Pidge inched closer to him until their forearms were touching. Ryou had already turned to stare at the wall in front of him and didn’t react to her at all.

It took a while for her to get the words out, “I am too.”

Ryou crumbled down, his head touching his knees. He let out one loud sob but didn’t continue. Pidge couldn’t see if he was crying.

“But I can’t – I need to find dad. I need to _know_.” Sometimes in her dreams she would find his prison cell, only to learn that he had died months ago. Or years.

“I can’t deal not knowing.” She was terrified of it. It kept her awake at night, her mouth dry, and breath hard enough to feel like it was going to break her ribs. When her panic rose so high that she couldn’t even dream of opening her computer, and the only thing she could do was to sit in a corner, hold her medicine bottle and desperately wait for the effects to kick in.

Sometimes, when they were in the right mood, she and Hunk joked on how he had infected her. Sometimes it was even funny.

“I –“ Ryou’s voice broke. “I don’t even know if I have a place in Earth.”

“Doesn’t Shiro have parents in San Francisco?” She remembered vaguely him mentioning that. For being in a giant robot with its own fusion dance they really didn’t talk much about their pasts or families.

“Yes, and grandparents. But they are his, not mine.” If possible, he sounded even more pathetic at that.

Honestly, she thought they were past this. “They love Shiro. They will love you too.”

“It’s not just that. It’s the – the Earth. I remember so much about it but I have never even been there!” He wasn’t yelling, even if the only thing preventing it was the fact that his face was still buried to his knees. Pidge buried the sudden thought of grabbing him and forcing him upright. First of all, it wouldn’t be very nice. Secondly, it was not like she could lift him.

She didn’t have time to think of any other action when he sighed and sat up straight, looking like he was going to leave. “I want to have something to wait for,” he said, sounding defeated.

The quote popped out of her mouth before she even realized it. “Each of them will sit under his vine, with no one to make them afraid.” Ryou was looking at her in surprise, what she said having come out of nowhere.

“I – that is beautiful. Where is it from?”

Pidge could feel an embarrassing flush creep up her neck. “It’s from the Bible.”

Ryou’s eyebrows were nearing his hairline. “You can quote the Bible?” His disbelief rang out loudly, making Pidge’s entire face heat up.

“No, I heard it from Hamilton.”

“That musical?” Ryou sounded gleeful, the moroseness quickly abating, like her listening to retro musicals was the best thing ever. Pidge realized to her horror that she had given a very personal and embarrassing tidbit to a man who was basically her older brother. In all the protection and joys it brought.

Maybe she could still salvage this. “I heard it only once, it’s not like I am a big fan.”

The shit-eating grin on his face told her that he didn’t believe her. “Oh, but you can quote it -!”

This was not the way she had wanted to cheer him up, she thought while tackling him to the ground.

***

When Allura had come to relieve her, she hadn’t been particularly impressed at finding her and Ryou tussling on the ground. Ryou was bigger than her, but less likely to bite, so Pidge had been having the upper hand.

Allura still yelled at them theatrically and shooed them away. Pidge managed to hear her giggling when the door closed, and then they were left in the corridor to stare at each other. Ryou’s hair had gotten loose from its ponytail, and Pidge knew her hair was standing in all directions without even feeling it up.

The barely held smile at Ryou’s face when he kept looking at it was a dead giveaway.

She punched him in the arm on principle, but that asshole didn’t even flinch.

“Wanna find Keith?” at her words, Ryou started to look contemplative. In the end, he nodded slowly.

“Shiro might be there too.” Pidge couldn’t make out the tone in his voice, so she just marched on towards the training center, Ryou following her.

***

To both of their surprise, neither Keith or Shiro were in there. They ended up giving up after searching for a half an hour, unable to find them in their usual haunts and just decided to pop up on to Kalternecker to give her some pettings.

She was the Official Therapy Animal, even though no one really liked milking her. Allura and Coran had ended up trading their turns for massive favours until Shiro had put his foot down on the racket.

Lance was the only one who had truly enjoyed it, having told them that he had helped on a neighbouring farm for some petty cash before the Garrison.

Pidge bit her cheek hard enough to turn her thoughts away. Ryou was looking chipper, lying on the grass and turning his face towards the tiny, artificial sun. Pidge wanted to throw cow shit at him. He had to have cheated at rock-paper-scissors, it was the only way he could beat her own cheating! Her technique was flawless!

Ryou opened his right eye and gave her an impish smile. Pidge bristled at him. Oh, that smug little –

They both flinched when the doorway opened directly at their right and Keith and Shiro stepped in. Keith’s eyebrows rose up at the view they made, so Pidge flipped him off and continued to milk Kalternecker. Shiro only sighed loudly and flopped down next to Ryou. Keith stood next to her, leaning against Kalternecker. For a moment, everyone was quiet until a horrible thought rushed into Pidge’s mind.

“Where is Hunk?!”

Shiro immediately said, “He is with Coran. They are cleaning up the kitchen and doing some maintenance, and Coran is taking care of him.”

Pidge settled back down to the stool from her sudden half-crouch, immediately breathing easier. She finished milking Kalternecker and Keith carried the full bucket into the latch that would transport it into the kitchen.

She looked at where Shiro and Ryou were sprawled on the ground, and laid down half a meter above their heads, closing her eyes and listening to their breathing and Kalternecker’s low mooing.

Keith sat down next to her and groaned heavily. Pidge tilted her head to take a good look at him, but he was turned towards the field, hiding his face. She grumbled a little under her breath and said, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” the answer came out too quickly to be anything but a lie. Pidge internally wailed over the loss of her comfortable position and wrenched herself into a sitting position.

“Let me guess, Tanja, Lance, Tanja and Lance, or something completely else?”

Keith snorted, but there was no humour in it and stayed quiet. Pidge swallowed, taking a leap, “Is it Earth?”

Keith went rigid and turned to look at her with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Pidge said nothing, and when Keith finally figured out words she already knew what he was going to say.

“How did you -?”

Pidge laughed drily. “It seems to be a running theme for the Voltron team today.” She could hear rustling from Ryou’s direction but didn’t turn to look.

Keith was biting his lip now, looking uneasy. Shiro had stayed quiet for now, but finally broke his silence and asked the same question as Pidge had. “What is wrong?”

Fiddling with one of his gloves, Keith stayed quiet for so long that Pidge thought he wasn’t going to say anything. “I don’t know what I’ll do when this will be over.”

 _It’s not over_ , ran through Pidge’s head, making her mouth dry and stain the whole moment, _It will never be over, we will die here on these trenches having gained nothing_ –

She forcibly pinched herself in the arm to make those thoughts stop, grinding her teeth, trying to listen to what Keith was actually saying.

“What Hunk said, about wanting to go home – the Castle is the only place I have felt like I belonged in for years, but...” He didn’t continue, but flailed his arms a little, looking pleadingly at Shiro.

“We wouldn’t leave you,” said Shiro gently, like talking to a skittish colt, “you could always come with me and Ryou, our family would love to have you there.”

Pidge couldn’t keep it in, she snorted, making all of them turn towards her. Keith looked surprised, while Shiro’s brow was pinching in obvious annoyance, but Ryou… he had still the astonished look on his face, but it was quickly melting into a barely contained panic when he stared at her.

“What?!” snapped Shiro, but Pidge had already decided to not to tell at Ryou’s begging gaze. Then she caught Keith’s stare. His eyes were gleaming and his face was twisting lightly and Pidge quickly realized how he took her laughter.

 _Oh no_ …

Now she was starting to panic, her gaze moving from Ryou to Keith and back in turns, avoiding Shiro’s gaze. He wasn’t ignoring her, though, and caught on where her eyes were looking and said, “Ryou…?”

Ryou rolled to his stomach and buried his face in the grass, paying no mind to Shiro’s tentative question. His ears were turning red, and even Keith had caught on that there was something else going on and was glaring at Pidge, trying to make her cough up the answer.

“What is it?” he rapped out. Pidge kept her silence, desperately hoping for some sort of relief.

Keith turned, seeing Ryou's reaction. A light bulb seemed to light in his head.

“You… don’t want me there?” The hurt in Keith’s voice was obvious, and Ryou raised his head from the grass so fast he probably sprained his neck. He looked horrified at Keith’s words and blurted out, “No!”

Keith flinched and Shiro was looking furious but also confused. Pidge wondered if she could make a break for it.

“No, I… You should definitely go. To Shiro’s family. I-“ He clapped his mouth shut, looking pained. Shiro had perked up and was frowning at him.

“You aren’t coming?” Oh, and now _Shiro_ was hurt, why did she have to be here, maybe if she crawled to the door they wouldn’t notice her…

“I – I” Why was Ryou looking so pleadingly at her? She was no good at this shit.

Well, if he really wanted her to take part… “Ryou thinks that they aren’t his family because of cloniness. Plus some angst over not really being from Earth, etc etc.” There, she said it. And now Ryou was looking murderous. What did he expect her to do, pull out a cloaking device and rush them away?

She should really start to carry that with her, even in the Castle. It had so many uses.

Shiro looked even more distressed than the last time he had been prohibited from sparring. “Of course they are!”

Ryou still looked annoyed when he shook his head. “They aren’t, not really. I do not even have any memories of them.”

“Yes, you do!” Shiro yelled, grabbing Ryou and forcing him to turn on to his back. Ryou laid on the grass, looking like a furious turtle.

“I don’t! They are your memories, not mine!”

She had _really_ thought that they were past this. Pidge sneaked a look at Keith, who looked as uncomfortable and willing to run as she felt. Pidge tried to wiggle her eyebrows and signal for them to escape together, but only managed to make him look confused.

Shiro and Ryou were having a full-blown argument, until Shiro yelled, “That’s it! You!” He pointed at Ryou, “And you!” now it was Keith “Are both coming to my parents’ place because you are my family and that’s final!” Shiro laid down, glaring at the ceiling. Ryou looked like he wanted to argue some more, but after sneaking a look at Keith, decided to stay quiet. He laid down once more, both brothers in the same position as they were before the whole stupid argument had started.

Keith looked slightly overwhelmed, but Pidge wasn’t imagining the slight smile on his lips. He settled comfortably on the ground and closed his eyes, trying to relax.

Pidge debated if she should take her chance and leave, but the grass was soft and the air was warm and she just wanted a nap. She had started to drift into sleep when Ryou said out loud, mischief and revenge clear in his tone, “Pidge listens to retro musicals.”

That fucking little -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art is made by boredbeingregular and here is the tumblr post: https://boredbeingregular.tumblr.com/post/175410551520/my-art-for-the-vldsupernovabang-for-the-fic-turn
> 
> I made a writing tumblr! Is still work-in-progress, but here is a link: https://floranna2writes.tumblr.com/  
> Imaginatively floranna2writes.


	10. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic descriptions of injuries. (gee, surprised?) Vomiting!

Ryou, Shiro, Coran and Allura stood before the pod, waiting for Tanja to emerge. The rest had wanted to be there, but Coran had put his foot down and insisted on not crowding her. It hadn’t gone very well, but in the end Keith and the rest had decided to obey. Matt, who had finally arrived from his mission had had to physically drag Pidge away.

Ryou didn’t delude himself that they wouldn’t be standing outside the med bay, eavesdropping with Pidge’s spyware. The fact that Coran hadn’t removed the bugs Pidge had planted did imply that he didn’t oppose to it.

The pod pinged and Ryou tensed, stepping forward and managing to stumble against the others who had apparently had the same idea. Allura managed to be just a bit faster than the rest of them, so when Tanja stumbled out, she fell into her arms, blinking bemusedly. Ryou stifled his smile, remembering a similar scene so long ago, but with Allura falling into… Lance’s… arms.

It wasn’t that nice of a memory after all.

Coran was smiling brightly and chirped, “How are you feeling, young lady?”

Tanja blinked and managed to straighten up with Allura’s help and she was looking a bit pale, but after swallowing rasped out, “A bit… dizzy?”

Coran’s smile didn’t waver. “Quite normal after such a long time in the pod, especially with injuries like yours! It will fade in few doboshes.”

Tanja only nodded, her eyes unfocusing. She raised her hand and managed to accidentally hit herself in the nose, it making her seem more alert.

“Where is my scarf?”

Coran wilted a bit and started to rummage through one of the cabinets. Tanja swayed some more, until Allura helped her sit down on one of the benches. Ryou and Shiro hovered around her, trying to be of help but only managing to get in the way until Allura discreetly kicked Shiro on the shin.

Tanja slumped and put her head between her knees. Shiro and Allura sat at her sides, while Ryou was left to stand awkwardly in front of them, and Coran was still searching for the elusive scarf.

Allura steeled herself and asked, “What happened with Blue?”

For a few ticks Tanja didn’t react, but finally she turned her head enough to look Allura in the eye and said, “I am not sure. I touched her and then I was flying through the air and hit the wall. Everything went dark soon after.”

“You didn’t feel any… emotion? That wasn’t yours?” Allura’s voice was pensive, and there was a slight tremble in the end. Tanja looked confused, but frowned, trying to remember.

“I think… I can’t say if it was mine or – there was anger? And… fear?”

Ryou swallowed, Shiro doing the same. Even Coran had paused his rummaging, his back against them. Allura managed to look relaxed, her face in a mask of mild concern.

“That is important to know,” she said, but didn’t seem to know how to continue. Luckily Coran let out a loud whoop, waving blue fabric in the air.

“Found it! Who in the quiznak had put it in there…” He sauntered towards them, Tanja shakily straightening. “Here it is, cleaned and as good as new!”

Tanja smiled slightly, the scar twisting a bit and put the scarf on with practiced fingers. Ryou could swear that it took less than half a tick until most of her face was once again covered and she looked like a knock off desperado. When he said that out loud, she only rolled her eyes, but Shiro looked at him in embarrassed reprove. Ryou was willing to bet though that he had been thinking the exactly same thing, the cartoons of their childhood still clear in his memory.

Allura and Coran didn’t seem phased at all, having gotten used to the Earth peculiarities long time ago. And the decades of ambassador training too, of course.

“Should we call in the rest?” Shiro asked, eyes intent on Tanja. She tensed, but relaxed quickly and whispered her assent.

None of them managed to even move before the door opened and Keith and Pidge stumbled in, pushing each other back to be the first at their spot. Hunk and Matt followed in a far more sedate pace, and in the end they all got there at the same time.

Ryou tried to look at them reproachfully, but the corners of his lips kept twitching upwards. Shiro sighed next to him but didn’t say anything either.

Pidge punched Keith in the rib in retaliation and side stepped away from his reach. She patted her hair down and asked, “Can we get you anything?”

Tanja blinked at her, looking faintly overwhelmed. In the end she whispered, “Water?”

Pidge nodded firmly and pushed a protesting Matt towards the door. When the door closed, they were left in the room, the awkward silence weighing all of them down.

“Has the dizziness faded?” Ryou ended up asking, just to say something. Tanja tilted her head, considering, and nodded.

“Would you like to go to your room?”

“No. I… I would like that water. And food?”

“I’ll go make something!” Yelled Hunk right into his ear, making Ryou nearly step on Keith’s toes in surprise. Then the yellow pilot rushed out, stumbling in his eagerness to get away.

Ryou could see Keith start to fiddle with his gloves and look longingly towards the door.

“What is wrong?” Tanja was a bit closed-off, but it was never this bad. She shrugged, looking at the floor. “Are you feeling well?”

There was a long silence, until Tanja broke it with her whisper. “No, I really am not.”

”Is it something specific…?” Allura asked haltingly, her face tense and unhappy. Tanja just shrugged again.

“Just everything.”

“Geez, vague that up a little, could you?” Pidge bit out teasingly. Ryou could feel his insides turn into ice, and Shiro looked like he was a millisecond from combusting until Tanja snorted loudly and quickly devolved into giggles. Pidge joined her and Ryou could see Keith bite his lip hard, but his eyes were crinkled in obvious mirth. Shiro just gave a hearty, relieved sigh, and Ryou let out a low chuckle.

When she calmed down, Tanja continued, “Mostly things I knew on Earth. People. Places. Music! I miss music so much.”

Ryou twitched a little, shame making his face redden. They did have some music from Earth, but none of them seemed to have remembered to share it with her. To be honest, Lance had been the one who had played them the most, but… They should have thought of it.

A mischievous thought ran into his head and he grinned, making Shiro look at him with suspicion and dread. “If you are interested in retro musicals, Pidge can hit you up.”

The gremlin in question shrieked theatrically and jumped at him, making him barely dodge the furious assault. “Will you quit with that!”

Tanja and the Alteans both looked confused while they horsed around, Pidge relentlessly chasing him.

“Stop dodging and pay for your crime!” Pidge yelled and gave a giant lurch, making him side step by the skin of his teeth. At this point both Allura and Shiro cleared their throats and gave them some disturbingly identical glares, making them calm down.

Though Ryou did give her a one last ruffle on her hair.

“What kind of retro musicals?” Tanja asked, sounding intrigued, making Pidge flush.

“It’s mostly Hamilton…”

“Mostly?” Oh, he hadn’t known that. Though now Pidge looked to be ready for murder.

“Hamilton is retro?” interrupted Tanja before they could start to tussle again. “Already?”

“Yeah, it’s – what do you mean by already?” the ire in Pidge’s voice was replaced by confusion, which mirrored what Ryou was starting to feel.

“But it’s only fourty years old? Or what is considered retro nowadays?”

Ryou’s mouth went dry, and he could hear Pidge wheeze behind him. Shiro’s eyes were bugging out and even Allura and Coran were starting to look uneasy.

Tanja gripped her hands together, looking afraid. “Why are you – what is wrong?”

Nobody said anything, and the silence pressed down on them like Voltron’s foot. In the end Pidge broke it with a small cough and said, “Hamilton came out over a hundred years ago.”

Tanja’s jaw fell, her eyes wide in surprise. “No. It came out in 2015, 43 years ago.” Her voice rose at the end, near-hysterical tinge clear in it.

“It’s 2139. We think. Unless we screwed up the dates really badly.” Pidge blabbered, her skin looking clammy and with a greenish tinge.

“Does Earth have multiple starting points on year-counting?” Coran asked carefully, like a single wrong noise would make them all scatter. On another thought, that was probably very likely even. He knew he wanted to run.

“No,” said Shiro, and then re-considered. “At least not in Western and Christian countries, which influence we all are in.”

Coran looked like he wanted to ask some more, or just to diffuse the situation, Ryou didn’t know, but Tanja prevented it by yelling, “Are you telling me that I fucking _time-travelled_?”

“Uhm… yes?” Wow, thanks Keith. Very helpful. Now Tanja looked like she was going to start crying. Allura glared at Keith too, and put her arm carefully around Tanja’s shoulders and pulled her close. Tanja let her and closed her eyes and buried her face on Allura’s shoulder, letting out no noise.

Ryou looked pleadingly at Coran, hoping for him to have some sort of answer, but the older Altean only looked confused and mildly horrified, making Ryou want to throw up whatever he had managed to eat for breakfast.

“I am going to go check on Hunk,” Pidge announced and dashed out of the room. Ryou cursed at her in his head, hoping that he would have figured out that excuse himself. Tanja mumbled something too low for him to hear, but Allura started to disentangle herself away.

“I would really like that water,” Ryou had to strain himself to hear that, but when he did, annoyance rushed through him. Where in the quiznak was Matt with that?

“I will go get it,” he said and marched out of the room. When the door closed behind him his legs started to wobble so badly that he had to lean against the wall, the cool surface feeling like heaven against his clammy skin. He had to concentrate on simply breathing for a few doboshes, trying very hard to not to think what this meant for Lance and Tanja. Worse and worse options kept flooding his mind until he scrunched his eyes closed, pinched himself and started to determinedly walk towards the kitchen.

***

The view in the kitchen was not pretty. Matt stood frozen at the wall, holding a jug filled with water, staring at Hunk. He was sitting at the table, holding his head and crying silently, with Pidge rubbing his back, looking like she wanted to bolt out of this situation again.

Ryou swallowed, and fervently hoped that being the youngest would actually mean that he wouldn’t have to deal with this.

But life was cruel and there was no one else.

“Matt?” Matt flinched, a bit of water sloshing onto the ground and turned to look at Ryou. “Tanja really wants that water.” Matt nodded mechanically and left. Ryou wondered tiredly if he should tell him to grab a mug but decided against it. Matt looked like he was going to faint anyways.

Ryou walked towards Hunk and Pidge, and when he sat next to Hunk, his sobs got loud enough to hear. Ryou tried to think of something to say, but in the end could only think of what Pidge was already doing and started to rub Hunk’s back in slow, big circles, occasionally bumping on Pidge’s hand.

Slowly Hunk’s sobs quietened, but he was still crying and looking like his world was crumbling below his feet.

“Lance is possessed. By a ghost.” As much as he cared for her, sometimes Ryou really wanted to gag Pidge. Hunk let out a loud, keening whine, and a new wave of tears made its appearance. Ryou desperately hoped for a napkin, but there was nothing like that in the kitchen.

Stupid alien tech.

“Ghost. Possession.” Oh, Pidge’s voice was starting to rise enough to hit some completely new octaves. Her eyes were wide and frantically moving around the room. “Ghosts are real. There is one inside him.” She paused, turning similarly green as her shirt and bolted towards the sink, throwing up loudly. For a tick Ryou sat there, unable to decide who to help, but rose up and went towards Pidge. He gathered her hair up and started to rub her back while she was gagging out whatever she had been eating.

There was suspiciously little of it, and while he was rubbing her, he could feel several of her ribs. He bit his cheek, deciding to not to say anything right now, but he would tell Shiro and the rest about this later.

Keith had already filled their quota of exhaustion collapses, Pidge did not need to add to it.

“What will we do?” Hunk had stopped crying, and his face was red and bloaty, with his lower lip still wobbling slightly.

“Coran still has that plan, but I will check on him when I get a chance.”

“But what will that do to Tanja? Her body is long dead!” Hunk wailed, barely managing to not fall into waterworks again.

“We will figure this out,” he said with far more reassurance than he actually felt.

Pidge had stopped gagging and was now rinsing her mouth. She spit out the last of the water and said, “And then maybe she will stick around and possess the castle instead!”

Hunk went alarmingly pale and Ryou gritted out, “Pidge? Not helping.” He had Shiro’s memories of that particular shitshow and he wasn’t enthused on getting personal experience on that.

Pidge shrugged her shoulders, eyes big and staring into nothing. Ryou tried to rummage through his head on what he should say, but nothing came up.

He also wanted to crawl into his room, bundle up and close his eyes, ignoring the universe where your friends could be possessed by century-old ghosts you accidentally ended up befriending.

Why did Shiro have to pick the Garrison? If he had become a… lawyer or doctor or hell, a kindergarten teacher they would have never ended up in this mess.

Ryou was ignoring the voice in his head that was yelling that he wouldn’t exist if that had happened, and they had never actually had any interest towards those careers. Shit, Shiro had been staring at the stars since he learnt that they weren’t actually fireflies stuck on a ceiling.

Suddenly Hunk stood up and yelled, “Food! I promised food! She must be starving!” making Ryou startle and hit his knee on the table. Hunk had moved towards the fridge while muttering curses and was pulling out miscellaneous items. Pidge moved out of the way when Hunk rushed towards the cabinets and pulled out some sort of package.

“Something easy and quick… And Lance always complains that his stomach is a mess after a pod trip, so it needs to be something easily digestible.” Hunk explained out loud, and Ryou could only let out some slightly encouraging noises. Luckily Hunk didn’t seem to even expect any sort of intelligent commentary and only smiled at him while continuing to work.

Pidge had settled herself next to him at the table and sat there, looking at Hunk and saying nothing. Carefully, Ryou let their arms touch, and Pidge leaned in, putting her head on his shoulder. For a while, there were no other sounds except those from Hunk’s cooking, until Pidge let out a whisper, “I want Lance back.”

Hunk dropped something on the counter, the crash making Ryou flinch. Pidge tensed, assuming that his flinch was from her words, and immediately scooted away, but Ryou reached towards her to gently pull her back.

“I know,” He laid his palm against the top of her hair “Me too.”

***

The food Hunk had managed to make looked like a regular salad. If by regular you meant brightly pink.

It was very… leafy.

Pidge was raising her eyebrows and making interesting faces but managed to stay quiet. Ryou could feel his eye twitch, trying to figure out what to say to not to hurt Hunk’s feelings.

It was not the pink that was the problem. Or the overt leafiness. Or even the small brown ovular bits that looked distressingly like bunny crap.

It was the white drizzle.

Ryou swallowed, hoping against everything that he wouldn’t crack and raised his gaze to look at Hunk. Who was shaking. In silent laughter.

When Hunk saw the look on Ryou’s face, he broke. The younger man was howling, holding his stomach with tears sliding down his cheeks.

"You asshole." Pidge said, deadpan, making Hunk laugh harder. Ryou groaned, covering his face so that he didn't need to see that creation.

"You are taking that to Tanja, I am not going to be associated with it in any way." Ryou said through his fingers. Hunk immediately stopped laughing, making Ryou lower his hands in surprise. Ryou nearly kicked himself when he realized what he had said; Hunk had gone pale and for a moment Ryou feared that he was going to collapse.

In the end, Hunk gave a shuddering smile that Ryou was surprised to see even looked genuine. "Yeah, she has been waiting for it for a while." Then he dug out a spork and picked up the plate, leaving the kitchen.

Ryou and Pidge stole a glance and rushed towards him so that they could walk together to the medbay.

When the doors opened, the view was the same as when they left, except Tanja was holding an empty jug and looking much better. When she saw them, she gave a small smile, but her eyes were tired.

Hunk handed the plate to her, looking like he was afraid she was going to explode. Tanja grabbed the plate, thanking him and was settling it on her legs when she suddenly stilled, taking a better look at it. Shiro gave out a confused noise, staring at the dish, and looked at Ryou, clearly hoping that he wasn't actually seeing it.

Ryou bit his cheek, trying very hard to not give in to the laughter.

Allura only looked confused, and didn't seem to understand what was the matter with the food.

Tanja as the first to break, snorting hard and pounding the chair in her mirth, making the plate fall. Allura managed to grab it before it spilled on the floor, but Tanja continued to laugh, her eyes shining with tears. Pidge was giggling again, her head against the wall with Matt rolling his eyes next to her.

Keith had taken a single look and promptly face palmed himself, sighing long-sufferingly.

Hunk was blinking his eyes innocently and asked, "Is it not to your taste?"

Tanja managed to say through her giggles, "Do - do not worry, my mum is a terrible cook and," she took a break to roar in laughter, "and I am worse!"

Now Hunk looked actually affronted, and took a stance like he was going to defend his cooking to the death, but Shiro interrupted, "Hunk is an excellent cook, and has not made a single disgusting meal yet." Then he paused, reconsidering. "Those first cookies don't count, they were completely inedible."

Hunk glared at Shiro, but Tanja gave Hunk a pointed stare. He shrugged, looking a bit embarrassed. "It happened long time ago! And I can read Altean now!"

Tanja just raised her eyebrow, took the spork he was offering and grabbed the food back from Allura. She lowered her mask and dug in, putting a huge piece of the leafy thing in her mouth. It made a crunch loud enough for Ryou to hear, making Tanja stop chewing in her surprise. Then she continued, a thoughtful look on her face.

The whole team kept staring at her, but she didn't seem to be fazed. After swallowing her first bite, she smiled at Hunk. "It tastes delicious." She looked softer, her eyes shining adoringly at him, making Hunk blush and wave his hand at her.

"It's nothing, it's just a salad," he mumbled, making Pidge snort.

"Don't sell yourself short, you have never made that dish before."

Hunk bowed his head, delight radiating from him. Tanja gave out a small laugh, saying with kind humour, "Was I your guinea pig?"

Hunk raised his head, protest on his lips when Tanja continued, "Because I am honoured." and continued eating, occasionally humming with satisfaction.

The rest of them started to talk about some meaningless things, new training systems and renovating the kitchen, until Tanja had finished and stood up, now steady on her feet.

"I would like to go take a nap in my room." She said calmly, with a slight smile on her lips. She hadn't put up her mask yet, and it was hanging around her neck like a scarf.

Keith and Pidge volunteered to walk her to her room, to make sure she wouldn't be getting dizzy on the way, and Tanja didn't protest. Ryou could feel some of his tension come back when he saw the look on Allura and Coran's faces. The moment Tanja left, they would be having a discussion. Hunk seemed to realize this too and quickly said that he was going to be making dinner for the rest of them and rushed out with Tanja and the rest.

The door closed and Ryou wondered if he could hightail out too, but the look Shiro was giving to him and Matt told otherwise.

Ryou sighed and prepared for the bad news.

***

Hunk had continued to the kitchen, leaving Keith and Pidge with Tanja. Keith fiddled with his gloves, staring at Tanja from the corner of his eye. She was looking calm, and so unlike Lance that Keith dug his fingers into his arm in alarm.

He had been doing that a lot. She creeped him out, with her eyes and mannerisms and he couldn't stop thinking how Lance was feeling. Was he locked in? Could he see them? Was this a nightmare to him, seeing everything and unable to do anything?

Or was he asleep, and they would just have to wake him up? If that was it, Keith already knew what he was going to say to Lance when they got him back.

'Took you long enough, Sleeping Beauty,' Keith blushed a bit at the thought. Then he saw Pidge stare at him in confusion and could feel the heat flare up more. Then she just rolled her eyes and looked away.

Tanja was looking at him too, making his blush fade away fast. She kept glancing at him even while walking, and where Lance would have fallen to his face already (that was a lie, he had such good balance) she was walking smoothly and with purpose.

When they were in the hallway to her room, she stopped, her back towards them. Keith and Pidge shared a look, Pidge's eyes betraying the same unease as Keith felt.

"What's the matter?" He asked, but Tanja didn't turn, just stood, back tense and straight.

"Do you know what will happen to me if you get your friend back?" Her voice was flat and unemotional, and she still hadn't turned. Keith could feel his stomach curdle. He could guess the answer, but he had no idea how to say it. 'Oh, I believe you will die, but it will be okay, as we will get Lance back!'

Yeah, even he could tell that would be a bad idea.

And it wasn’t even something any of them would be able to do, to be honest.

Pidge was staying silent too while biting her lip and looking like she wanted to be anywhere but here.

Why the hell had he volunteered?

Tanja sighed heavily and turned towards them. She was smiling, but her eyes were sad. "Don't bother, I can guess."

Then she roundhouse kicked him in the chest with enough force to make him fly. He hit the ground hard, stunned. He tried to get up, but Tanja’s feet came down brutally on his ribs. He could feel them breaking and let out a stilted scream.

Pidge had stood frozen in shock, but was now attacking Tanja (the assassin, he could see it now). She tried to kick Tanja (assassin - Smile?) in the knee, but she twisted away, making Pidge only strike air. She managed to not overbalance, and hit her onto her side with her fist.

Keith tried to get up while T - Smile, that was the operative's name, how could they be so stupid - was distracted, but his ribs were screaming and he could barely breathe. He cursed over the fact that both his and Pidge's bayards were in their rooms, and tried to see where the closest comm was.

It was at the other end of the hallway. Smile had planned this, but why was she attacking them? She wouldn't get out of the castle, and she had to know it.

Pidge was losing. She was barely dodging, and now that Smile wasn't surprised, she wasn't getting any hits in. Keith forced himself to stand and coughed, hard. The pain was instant and he could taste blood in his mouth, but he ignored it and rushed at Smile.

She had heard him approach, simply twisting away and hitting him on his back almost lazily. Keith fell down immediately, the pain making him nearly black out.

Pidge tried to use his collapse as a distraction, but Smile didn't fall for that. She simply grabbed her wrist with her right hand, twisted it, and immediately brought her left arm down on Pidge's elbow. It gave out a loud crack, making Pidge scream in pain. Smile didn't let go, even when Pidge nearly fell to her knees. She just held it up, jerking the break and making Pidge sob out loud.

Keith tried to get up, but his movements felt sluggish and he kept coughing, blood staining his lips. Pidge tried to kick her, but she didn't even seem to notice. She still had the same smile on her face, except now her eyes were cold.

Then she paused, tensing, and collapsed. Pidge ripped her arm away from her grip, breathing shallowly in pain, but Tanja laid down on the floor, shaking.

Keith blinked, unable to believe what he was seeing. Several heartbeats passed while he and Pidge just stared at Smile, who was having a full-blown seizure. She was making whistling breaths, her lips were going blue and some saliva was leaking down her chin.

Pidge gasped, pulled her arm close to her chest and ran towards the comms. Getting help, cursed Keith in his mind. Of course.

Keith laid down on the floor, every breath feeling like he had been stabbed. he moaned in pain, some blood dribbling out of his mouth. Vaguely he realized that Smile had stopped shaking, but was staring onwards with an empty look on her face, like she wasn't quite yet back in this world.

Keith closed his eyes, listening to Pidge's panicked voice. Everything felt heavy, and he knew he should try to stay awake, but it felt so difficult.

Distantly he could feel someone squeeze his shoulder, but when he opened his eyes, the only thing he could see was a black blob.

Someone was yelling something, but everything went dark before he could understand it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3
> 
> My writing tumblr: https://floranna2writes.tumblr.com/  
> Still a WIP.


	11. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Murder of children. Mental torture. Shit gets dark.

When they arrived running at the scene, Ryou had taken a desperate tick to simply grasp the situation in front of him. Tanja was on the floor, conscious but not quite there, staring into the distance with some white foam on her jaw.

Pidge was crying at the other side of the hall, still next to a comm, looking like she was in pain. Next to Ryou, Matt yelled something and rushed at her, trying to take a hold of her arm, but Pidge pushed him, trying to make him help Keith.

Keith was laying on the ground, blood on his lips staining them red. His breath was thin and weak, and distantly Ryou realized that he had moved at some point, his own hands gently turning him on his back. Keith was unconscious, giving no hint of the pain he was in.

Shiro was next to him, and carefully they lifted Keith onto the stretcher, Hunk insisting on taking Ryou's spot and then they rushed him towards the pods.

Like through a fog he heard Coran talk about... deactivating arms? He flinched, managing to clear his head. Coran and Allura were holding Tanja down, who was starting to look more alert, but still mumbling something in a language he didn't quite recognize. Coran pulled something that looked like a remote with a single button from his belt and pushed it. Immediately Tanja's arms went completely limp, making her look slightly confused.

Ryou really wanted to know what had happened. He knew Tanja had attacked Keith and Pidge, but this confusion and distantness was odd and uncomforting. Belatedly he realized that Pidge had already left, probably taken by Matt considering he was missing too.

"A seizure. That does answer if Blue's attack caused any brain damage." Coran said, standing and pulling Tanja up too.

Allura was standing only a step away, her eyes hard on Tanja. Ryou readied his arm, not quite activating it, but ready to do it in moment's notice.

"Let's put her in a cryopod until we get some answers."

***

It didn't take long for Pidge to get out, her break being clean, though very painful. Right now she was kicking the wall, making Ryou want to warn her against breaking her toes. The rest of them were letting her get out her frustrations in peace, waiting for her to be ready to tell them what exactly had happened. Ryou flicked some lint off his thigh, trying not to follow her example.

Pidge let out a loud, frustrated scream and sat down on a nearby chair. She grabbed her knees hard, and swallowed, the movement of her throat visible even to Ryou.

"We were just walking. Then she stopped, asked what would happen to her if we -" at that Pidge's voice broke and Hunk let out a low keening sound. Matt walked next to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. Pidge grabbed it, but continued. "Then she just smiled, said that she could guess and kicked Keith to the ground. And then she just stomped on him and - then I attacked her."

Pidge swallowed again, looking ashamed. "I couldn't even touch her, not really. She broke my elbow, easily and she just - _kept smiling_. The whole time."

"If she hadn't had a seizure she would have killed us."

Ryou's stomach rolled and he felt faint. Shiro was keeping his face still, but Hunk had plopped down and was obviously trying to keep his dinner in.

"She said nothing else?" Allura demanded, face scrunched up in worry. Pidge only shook her head, not opening her mouth.

Coran fiddled with the screen of Tanja’s pod and announced, "The brainwaves and quintessence are exactly same as in the previous measurements." His moustache was drooping and he sounded deadly serious, making Ryou feel even more ill.

"What does that mean?" Shiro's frustration was clear and mirrored Ryou's perfectly.

Coran didn't hesitate: "It means that Tanja was in full control when she attacked."

Ryou had suspected that, but the confirmation left a bad taste in his mouth. Allura sucked a shocked breath between her teeth, face switching between pain and anger.

"Couldn't the attacker have been someone else? Like the assassin? Like, poof, appear, and then, poof, begone?" Hunk asked timidly, like he wasn't sure what he hoped the answer would be.

Coran only shook his head. "Even if that would be possible, it would leave - traces. And those wouldn't fade this quickly."

He continued, face stern and cold. "No. The assassin - Smile - and Tanja have always been a same person."

Hunk sobbed and covered his face. Ryou moved towards him, but Pidge managed to be faster and wrapped herself around Hunk. Ryou and Shiro put their hands on Hunk's shoulder, both squeezing at the same time.

Matt and Allura stood still, Matt looking furious while Allura looked like she had been stabbed.

"We can't let her get out." She mumbled, but loudly enough that they all heard her. When she noticed their looks, she coughed and continued, "She is far too dangerous. In the Czaia she injured both Ryou and nearly -" Hunk flinched and she visibly swallowed the words she was about to say and marched on. "And now Keith and Pidge were injured. She is an exceptional actor and fooled us this whole time."

Allura swallowed, and her hands visibly shook. "We are keeping her in cryosleep from now on, until another option arrives."

"But how will we get Lance back then?" Hunk wailed and stood up, nearly dislodging Pidge. Ryou - and Shiro - both pulled their hands back, shocked at his sudden reaction, until what he said and what it meant sunk in.

Lance had been terrified of the cryopods, after nearly being frozen in them so many years ago. He would never want to be imprisoned in one.

But Coran smiled. It brightened his entire appearance, and for a tick Ryou could believe that everything would be back to how it had been.

"The way I had planned on getting him back needs for them to be unconscious."

That... was logical and Ryou nearly facepalmed himself.

"You have found a way?" Pidge let go of Hunk and was almost vibrating in her excitement. Coran only smiled harder, looking like he was starting to float in his happiness.

"We will be using the mind-meld devices, pop into his head and lure him out!"

For a beat, everyone was silent, and Ryou could feel his own jaw drop and heart still in shock. Then Pidge yelled, "What the bloody FUCK!" And then it was pandemonium. Allura was yelling, the remains of her composure completely gone, spittle flying out of her mouth when she screamed at Coran. Ryou couldn't make out the words, the static and horror too loud for him to hear anything but his own terrified heartbeat.

Coran was waving his hands, trying to calm everyone down, until Ryou could finally get out, "In his head?"

His voice and face must have been something, because everyone quieted and looked at him in alarm.

"Like Haggar?" He could still remember how her touch had felt in the end. How everything he was and had been was put on a display, with her laughing at his hopes, dreams and secrets, leaving nothing hidden.

And Coran was quiet. Allura was looking at him in concern, his silence making her pale. "Coran?" Her voice was small and tentative, wanting him to deny it.

"The technique is derived from her own, I have to admit," Coran said, his voice still.

Before anyone else could say anything, Ryou moaned in horror, putting his flesh hand on his mouth. He mumbled through the gaps of his fingers, "You want to mind rape him?"

Suddenly there was steel on Coran's back and eyes. "To save him!"

Ryou fought against throwing up right there. "Like Haggar, Coran, like Haggar!" He yelled, trying to make him understand, but words were difficult and he could barely make any sense of his own head.

"It's the only way." Coran was looking at him pleadingly, trying to make him understand. Ryou let out a low keen, stumbling away from him.

"I can't, I - I can't be here. I can't be part of this -" Then he turned and ran out.

***

Shiro took a few steps towards the door, trying to follow Ryou, but Allura grabbed his arm. "We need to clear this first." Her voice was firm, but her eyes were glistening, so he stilled. Allura gently turned him around so that he was facing Coran again.

Deep wrinkles were clear on Coran's face, and he looked tired. "Believe me, I would not suggest this if I could figure out any other way. I know quite well how invasive this is, but with Tanja - or Smile, as we should say - being so hostile, we need to force her out."

"You are saying that she could leave? We wouldn't need to go into Lance's headhole?" Pidge sounded hopeful, relief growing on her voice.

Coran raised his eyebrow sardonically: "Do you believe she would ever leave his body, when it would mean her death? Does she even know how?"

Pidge swallowed, paling. Hunk moaned in pain and buried his head on her hair.

"We have to at least try." Shiro tried to not let the hope grow in him. It was very unlikely that it would succeed. "We owe Lance that much." And Ryou.

"I am going to go talk to him." Then he walked out, steps heavy.

***

In the end, Ryou had been mollified but had not wanted to face Smile again. He had locked himself into his room, refusing to be budged. Shiro grinded his teeth in annoyance, but part of him wanted to follow Ryou's suit.

He didn't want to do this either. But he was also the leader of Voltron and he believed Coran when he said that there was no other option. No matter how much it made him sick.

Shiro tried to wave off the nearly overwhelming jealousy he felt towards Ryou. _He_ could say no. _He_ could stay away. _He_ could...

The nails of his left hand butt into his palm, shaking Shiro out of his thoughts. He felt vaguely guilty. It was not fair towards Ryou. He might have more freedoms than he did, but Ryou also had completely different problems.

Shiro forcibly relaxed himself and continued towards the pod area. He desperately hoped that Smile would prove him wrong and leave peacefully.

***

Sometimes it really sucked to be right.

Smile was restrained with thick, fabric-y material in the cryopod, the front open, and she was awake. She was looking at all of them with a smile on her lips, revealing nothing.

When they told her what they wished for her to do, for a moment her eyes had widened. Then she had started to laugh.

She still hadn't stopped, and Shiro had had to hold on to Keith, who had popped out of his healing pod while he had been talking to Ryou, to stop him from striking her. Pidge was being restrained by Matt, and the rest of them managed to not beat her bloody.

Though Allura looked like she would only need a single excuse.

"You wish for me to kill myself?" Smile's laughter faded away, but she was still grinning at them, everything in her demeanour screaming ' _you idiots_ '. Shiro bit himself on the cheek, trying not to say anything, but she continued onwards, "Whatever you are going to do to me, you will be doing against my own will."

She looked Shiro in the eyes. "I will be tied down and completely at your mercy, victim of your senseless experiments, _Champion_."

Shiro recoiled, letting go of Keith and stepping back in horror, but slipped and hit the ground with his ass. Smile gave him a sympathetic smile, making him taste bile. Her every expression was calculated to bring the most amount of pain, and they were so convincing that in any other time he would have believed her to be completely sincere.

Keith stepped between him and Smile, cutting his line of sight on her. Keith started to growl threateningly but couldn't reach the intimidation levels of a full-Galra.

To be honest, he sounded like a kitten with a sore throat.

Smile was laughing again, but before she could say anything, Coran activated the cryopod, freezing her comment in its tracks. Shiro could see her slump and fall into the artificial unconsciousness of the pod.

Shiro hefted himself up, feeling faint. The rest were looking at him with concern, but he only shook his head slightly, careful to not to make the dizziness worse.

"How will we continue?"

Coran was punching some numbers down and didn’t even raise his head when answering. “I will have the machines prepped and ready to go in three vargas.” He paused, considering his words. “It would be the best to not dawdle.”

“What do we need to do?” Hunk’s voice wavered slightly, but he was steeling himself and looking at Smile with dark eyes.

Coran considered. “I will need all of you here. This trip to his – _headhole_ isn’t something a person can do alone.” He looked at Shiro, making him feel anxious, “I will need Ryou’s help.”

“Why?!” the question burst out of Shiro before he even realized it. “He isn’t – he really can’t – please don’t make him –“ his words were slurred together, but even when Coran’s expression melted into pained empathy, Shiro could see that he wouldn’t budge.

“Most of us will be going to Lance’s head, to try to strengthen his quintessence – soul, as you would say, but we need people around us, who are able to pull us back.” Coran took a deep breath, continuing. “Ryou has a deep connection with you and Keith, which makes him invaluable.”

“And I will be the second right?” Matt broke in, making Shiro twitch. It wasn’t like he had forgotten that the rest were still here, but they had been staying so quiet that –

Alright, maybe he had forgotten.

Matt was still talking. “Because me and Pidge share a deep and profound bond, right?” Pidge groaned next to him, but Matt only grinned at her and kept on talking. “And I wasn’t really that close to Lance, even before all of this.”

“You are correct!” Chirped Coran, his teeth sparkling in their whiteness.

“I will be going too?” Allura sounded confused, though Shiro couldn’t fathom why. Coran nodded at her, making her frown in worry. Ice rushed inside Shiro’s stomach, making him want to reconsider, but the lines on her forehead eased and she started to look thoughtful.

“I am going to talk to Ryou.” Shiro turned towards Keith, surprised at his words. Keith bristled slightly. “I believe I can make him agree.”

“How?” If he couldn’t figure out how to, then how would Keith…

“Because they share a profound bond, didn’t you hear?” Matt crooned, mischief clear in his voice. Shiro glared at him. He knew Matt was quoting something silly, he always took that tone when he did that, but Shiro couldn’t for the life of him figure out what…

The door closed, and Shiro realized to his surprise that Keith had already left.

Shiro considered on following him until Hunk spoke up, “This is it, isn’t it?”

Shiro blinked, trying to figure out what he actually meant.

Pidge let out a questioning noise, making Hunk continue: “There is no other option. Either we get Lance back this way, or…” Hunk’s voice broke at the end.

Coran hesitated slightly, but in the end got to Hunk before any of them, squeezing his shoulder. “If this fails, we will search for another way. And another. And another.”

He gently lifted Hunk’s tear-stricken face, smiling softly. “I did swear that, didn’t I? We would never give up.”

***

Keith had succeeded, but neither he nor Ryou were saying anything. Keith was leaning against the wall, picking at his gloves, wearing a look that shouted for everyone to stay away.

Ryou was silent. He and Matt were listening to Coran’s talk, occasionally nodding or asking some clarifying questions. The rest of them were standing around awkwardly, not sure on what to do. Shiro rubbed his neck, sighing. Allura hummed something next to him, but Shiro couldn’t make out the words. She was pale, her lips a tight line and eyes wide.

Lowly enough that no one else could hear, Shiro muttered to her, “Is this that dangerous?”

Allura clearly suppressed a flinch but answered equally lowly, “Everything in this is… experimental. There are very little sources on anything like this.”

Shiro turned to look at her fully, worry and anxiety making his insides roll. “This isn’t going to be like in the mind plane?” He had very few good memories on being trapped there. As much as he didn’t want to go back, he had been prepared to do so to save Lance.

But if Lance wasn’t there, where would they be going…?

Allura shook her head, her eyes dark and deep. “We aren’t going to the metaphysical plane. We are going into Lance’s _mind_ , and it is not going to be one-sided.”

Shiro had to put all of his self-control into use to not react to that. He swallowed, “We need to tell the rest.”

“I concur,” at that, Allura straightened her back and announced, “Paladins, there are things you need to know before agreeing to this mission.”

In the end, they all still agreed.

The hats Coran brought to them were similar to the one they had used to read Smile’s quintessence, swim caps and all. Shiro could feel it squeeze his head, his scalp and hair starting to get sweaty already.

At least it wasn’t a tin hat.

He looked around and had to swallow hard when seeing the others. The hats were skin tight, but everyone’s hair was tufting out at the bottom edges, looking ridiculous.

Matt was the one to break first, his giggles filling the room. Even Ryou had suspiciously twitching lips but it only barely eased the emptiness in his eyes. Shiro bit his cheek. He wanted to tell Ryou to leave, that he didn’t need to torture himself, but… If Coran was right, and the eccentric man almost always was in things like this, they would need him. Desperately.

The rest of the paladins started to laugh too, though Allura was rolling her eyes. Shiro couldn’t ignore the slight hysterical edge in it, though, and looking at Coran, he had noticed it too.

When the laughter started to abate, Coran clapped his hands, wearing his usual smile. “Now take a comfortable position on the ground! Apologies for the lack of beds and sofas, didn’t want to waste time dragging them here. The machine’s original way of making you go unconscious won’t obviously work in this case, so I changed it to administer a mild sedative so that we can fall asleep.”

“Sedative?” Yelped Hunk, sitting up quickly enough that Shiro could hear a crack.

“Of course, the machine won’t work if you aren’t unconscious. And we can’t wait for all of us to fall asleep naturally.” Coran wiggled a bit until he was lying on his back, hands on his stomach and looking enviably comfortable. “Completely safe, I swear on my moustache!”

Shiro laid down, closing his eyes. Around the room he could hear some low cursing and clothes rustling, with everyone settling down, until only the sound of their breathing stayed.

One moment he was lying on the floor, trying to calm himself, and next he was standing in a room. It looked vaguely like a school’s gym hall, but without any tape on the floor or equipment.

Allura was standing next to him, both of them in their paladin armour and looking as confused as he felt. “Where are the others?”

Before he could even open his mouth, a girl appeared in front of them. Shiro and Allura both took a surprised step back, bodies tensing, but the girl just stood there at parade rest, looking firmly forward. She didn’t react to them at all.

Trying to calm his heartrate, Shiro observed the girl. She looked about five, Caucasian and was wearing size too large gym clothes. Her hair was brown and in a single braid that was slightly past her shoulders.

She looked like a regular girl, expect for the absolute stillness. Shiro could only tell that she was alive from the slight movement of her chest and occasional blinking.

“Is this normal behaviour for Earth children?” Allura’s was keeping her voice neutral, but Shiro had known her long enough to tell when she was feeling disturbed. He only shook his head at her and carefully moved in front of the girl’s eyesight. There was no reaction. He waved his hand, but nothing happened either. Shiro slowly reached towards her shoulder but wasn’t really surprised when it went through it.

He and Allura shared a look. Allura bit her lip, gaze steeling, but before she could say anything, a door slammed open behind them. Shiro turned to look, alarmed, and saw a trio of men and another little girl approach them. He moved to the side, observing.

The men appeared Caucasian, though one of them was more ambiguous. The girl was blond and blue-eyed, but otherwise her clothes and hairdo were identical to the first girl.

Two of the men stopped a few meters away from the brunette girl, but the third continued, directing the blonde to stand away from everyone. He pulled out a gun and handed it to the brunette. Shiro swallowed, his hands twitching.

He had a bad feeling about this.

“Subject 33 has been determined to be faulty. It needs to be disposed.” His voice was calm, and he was speaking in some foreign language, yet Shiro could understand it all. It didn’t feel like their usual translation tech though. The man’s eyes were sharp and he stepped out of the way, observing. Shiro used the momentary stillness to rush towards the brunette, trying to put himself between the two girls, activating his arm to deflect any bullets. But the brunette released the safety, aimed and shot at the blonde little girl without hesitation, the bullet going through his arm without even a slight ping.

Allura gasped, a scream lodged in her throat. Shiro made himself turn, not wanting to see but unable to not know.

The blonde girl was lying on the floor, with a perfect bullet hole between her eyes. She appeared slightly surprised, and so very young. He looked back at the brunette girl. The recoil had hit her hard, but now she had rightened herself and was now looking calmly at the silently observing men. One of them, not the man who had given the instructions, broke into a smile and started to speak to the others. Shiro couldn’t make out what they were saying, which left him feeling confused. Then it struck him, and he looked at the girl, the feeling of horror making his insides turn to smush.

“What is it Shiro?” Allura was asking, worry and tension clear in her voice. Shiro swallowed, his voice breaking.

“That is Smile.”

Allura blinked at him for a tick until what he was saying actually entered her mind. Then she turned slightly, looking at the still silently standing girl and raised her hands on to her mouth. Suddenly her body pitched forward and she was throwing up, her puke going through the gi- Smile.

Shiro was at her side quickly, rubbing her back. He tried to figure out something comforting to say but could only hum something vaguely upbeat-sounding. Allura gave out one last gag and straightened up, looking ashen and still sick.

Then everything around them faded away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing tumblr: https://floranna2writes.tumblr.com/  
> Still a WIP.


	12. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More murder of children and regular murder. More mental torture. Shit gets darker. Yet the last chapter! =D
> 
> Some fatphobia.

There was grass. She was laying on grass. Some of it was in her mouth. Pidge spit it out, lifting her head. Part of her expected for her to be hurt somewhere, but there was nothing. Then she blinked, and suddenly there was sounds of a struggle and she was surrounded.

Pidge shot up, reaching for her bayard and biting out a curse when she realized that it wasn’t there. Pidge started to grab at one of the bodies but her hand went through them and she stumbled a bit before she could get her balance back.

Blinking again, she took a harder look at the situation. There were a dozen of them, human or very close in looks, and they were sparring, not fighting. But it did look more like Altean Training Direct From Satan than any human training she had seen. One of them hit the other so hard that she broke several of his teeth! And the longer she looked, the more convinced she was that they were human. Teenage humans. Probably around the same age she had been when she decided to participate in the Road Trip of Hell.

Then she facepalmed herself. Smile. They were in her head. She had a mission. How could she have forgotten?

She looked around, gritting her teeth and squinting. She was supposed to find Lance, even traces of him, but nothing here looked or felt like him. Pidge grunted, starting to walk outwards, flinching slightly every time one of them moved through her.

There didn’t seem to be any edges on this… yard, no matter how hard she looked. Only endless amounts of grass and sky. She tried to pick a direction, but no matter how much she walked or ran, she didn’t gain any distance. The group was still fighting just behind her, slowly being whittled down. In the end she gave up, turned around and started to watch.

It was brutal. There were at least three concussions, two broken arms and several lost teeth. Pidge frowned, irritated. This type of training was useless, these injuries were, if not debilitating, at least completely pointless. It didn’t bring any new skills and recovering from these injuries would take time away from their training. A big part of her felt horrified over her own thoughts, but confusion swallowed it up.

What was going on? Where was she?

When the fight finally ended, there was only one left standing. She was big, though not the biggest fighter in the group, and looked…soft. Softer than Hunk before Lance’s… disappearance. Her face was a bland mask, but her nose was bleeding and she was favouring heavily her left side.

There were three loud claps behind her and Pidge jumped up, heart in her throat. There had been no one else in here expect her and the fighters, she was absolutely certain of it!

But there were. Three men, middle-aged. One of them gave one last clap, looking proud. The other two were frowning, looking at the girl like there was something sour on their tongue.

The fighters were standing at attention, some of them wobbling slightly and one was still on the ground, unconscious. None of them were looking at each other, and no one was helping the downed one.

The man who had clapped pointed at the winning girl and told her to approach. When she was close enough, he grabbed the back of her neck and turned her more towards the two men. The man was smiling, pride radiating from him, but how he handled the girl made Pidge feel uneasy. He was still holding her by the neck, his thumb making small circles and Pidge wanted to electrocute him.

“She has consistently beaten all of her trainers, has excellent aim and her infiltrating skills are top notch. She is truly the pride of the program!” He declared, but the other two men didn’t look impressed.

“I wonder,” one of them said, approaching the girl. “She does not carry herself in a way our operatives usually do. How can you ensure that she won’t collapse during a mission? What is her fitness status?”

“She is too fat,” blurted the other, disgust clear in his voice. The girl didn’t even flinch, but Pidge bit her lip hard enough to draw blood.

It was no use doing anything. She had no control here.

“Ah, but our physicians have tested her thoroughly, she is very fit, but her body gains fat very easily and losing it would mean starving her and therefore weakening her use.” He was smiling brightly. “And actually, that is her strength. She is not at all something you would expect, if you knew you were in danger, yes? She looks soft, harmless, and…” He squeezed her neck, snapping out, “Smile, girl.”

Pidge inhaled loudly between her teeth, horrified realization nearly drowning her when the girl – Smile, she had to be Smile – smiled. It made her look kind and innocent, only the blood still dripping from her nose disrupting the illusion.

“I believe she will be of great use,” as the man’s words reached her ears, everything started to fade. Alarmed, Pidge instinctively tried to grab a hold of something, but everything went dark.

***

It was some city. It was raining. Keith shuddered. It was not like he wanted to get wet, but seeing the raindrops go through him made him hide under some café awning and hope for something to happen.

There weren’t many people walking around, and from what he could see, Keith guessed that it must have been the early hours of the morning. It would have been a completely boring and unusual looking night, if not for the man sitting next to him. He was sitting at one of the tables that had been left outside, and he was fondling a beat-up messenger bag, darting looks around him every few seconds. Keith snorted quietly, could this man be more obvious? He kept a close eye on him. If something were to happen, it would be to him.

Keith fidgeted with his gloves, desperately trying to concentrate on what was going on around him, but his thoughts kept wandering.

He knew that no matter what Coran had said to ease their minds, this was their last chance to get Lance back. He could read between the lines. Lance’s imagined laughter rang through his head and he blushed, glowering. He could! He wasn’t that ignorant!

A young woman started to walk towards them, and Keith eyed her warily. She was wearing a raincoat and holding an umbrella, looking sheepish. She approached the sitting man, who looked nervous enough to shit himself, and lowly asked to borrow his cell phone for a call. When the man snapped at her, she hmphed and turned around to walk away. She approached some miserable looking woman, asking the same question, but stumbled, falling against her.

Keith kept looking at her, frowning, his instincts telling him to help. So he went, reaching towards the young woman, gasping when he saw a knife protrude from her chest, with the shabby-looking woman’s arm around her, smothering her whimpers and yells against her chest.

Then she just took a firmer hold of the young woman, starting to walk away, looking very much like she was just holding up a friend who had had a bit too much to drink.

Keith screamed, horrified and angry, trying to grab her but his hands only went through her. It had been so quick, he hadn’t even understood what was happening until it was too late. He yelled again, but everything faded out and he was thrust into the darkness.

***

When Hunk came to, he blinked a few times in confusion. He had not known what to expect, but this had definitely not been it. He was sitting on a stool in some family’s living room, while they were watching some cartoon. Hunk squinted at it, not recognizing it.

“Hunk?” At this, Hunk jumped half a meter into the air, with his heart jumping even higher. His nerves settled when he saw that it was just Coran, standing in an opposite corner and looking confused at the situation.

“What is going on?” Hunk asked, but Coran only waved his arms.

“We must be in Smile’s head! This must be one of her memories, but I do wonder…” He trailed off, frowning at the family. Hunk gave them a better look too, but nothing about them seemed remarkable. Middle-aged parents, pre-school aged boy and a toddler.

Then the door opened, giving no sound and Hunk’s heart jumped again. It was a woman, big and soft looking with a friendly smile. If not for the gun in her hand, Hunk would have thought that she was a member of the family.

Hunk yelled, tackling the woman but only smashing into Coran, who had tried the same thing. Both of them hit the ground, while the woman calmly raised her gun and shot the toddler in the head.

The woman grabbed the still living kid while the parents sat, frozen, and put her gun to his head. Hunk instinctively went for his bayard, only realising that he wasn’t carrying it when his hand met only air. He leaped up, trying to wrestle the gun away, but again passed through her.

Hunk sobbed, his hands still flailing at the gun, trying against any hope to make it move. It wasn’t until Coran physically grabbed and dragged him away that he could stop, tears still spilling down his cheeks and begging for him to do something.

The look on Coran’s face was one he had never seen before, and it made the words coming out of his mouth still immediately. The Altean was pale, but his face was hard and his eyes were glued at the father, who was begging.

The woman was still smiling. “Give me the key, and your kid lives.”

The man blubbered something about not knowing what she meant, but the woman only rolled her eyes and – very gently – lifted up the kid’s hand and broke his wrist.

The child’s screams made Hunk puke, and the mother was screaming for her husband to give what she wanted.

Coran’s grip tightened on his shoulder and Hunk could swear his bones were grinding together. Hunk couldn’t voice it, too horrified of this too life-like movie he couldn’t escape from.

When the man sobbed out a series of numbers, Hunk could only feel grateful. The woman was speaking into an earpiece, and whatever she heard made her nod. She let go of the kid, who ran towards his parents, arm outstretched and crying. Then she shot him in the back, continuing to the adults before they even realized what had happened.

Hunk couldn’t do anything but stare, but then Coran’s hold of his shoulder tightened and something cracked, the pain so sudden, bright and strong that he couldn’t keep the scream in. There was static in his ears, loud enough to drown whatever Coran was saying, and the woman was staring at him…

Wait.

She was smiling – she was Smile, of course she was Smile, but _how could she see him_ –

“Oh, so that’s how it is”, she was still smiling, she had never stopped, but now it was much more menacing and Hunk hoped very hard that they would be able to fight her now –

But she just shook her head and everything twisted away.

***

It took less than a heartbeat for Coran to realize where he was. He hadn’t been here for over ten thousand years, but he visited it in his dreams. It was Altea, on the night Alfor died and he followed his king’s last wishes, taking the castle and the sleeping Allura with it.

The sky was lit by the trails of escape ships, with the lights of thousands of ion cannons making them explode, turning the night sky into day. Somewhere Alfor was fighting Zarkon and would fall onto Zarkon’s blade, and as then, he wouldn’t be able to see it. He had arrived too late, and had only witnessed Zarkon’s desecration of Alfor’s corpse.

If he hadn’t been so worried about where Hunk had ended up, he would have been happy that the young human wasn’t there to see this.

“Coran Coran the gorgeous man, you stand on top of the billions of corpses. How did it feel to fail your son? How did it feel to watch him die?”

Coran gasped, turning around. The woman was a human, old, wrinkly and her short hair sharing the same colour as Allura’s. She was standing amongst the bombing of Altea, smiling with a kind smile that he would have never before guessed to be false. Then she flickered, taking the shape of the Lance he knew well. Not any form either, but Lance as he had been before he had disappeared. But the smile was same.

Coran picked up a piece of metal rod lying on the ground for protection, Smile didn’t move. She looked at him with kind eyes and continued, “How much did you lose? A son and a husband? Your unborn grandchild?”

She was picking through his mind like it was an open canlepiilo. Coran raised the rod, nearly swinging when she took a small step forward, looking so quiznacking sympathetic.

“They don’t realize it, do they? How much you have lost. How much it takes for you to continue, to smile, to be there for them. And yet you never get any recognition, no thanks, no respect.”

Suddenly she was behind him, and he twirled around, swinging but hitting nothing.

“When you had that worm in your brain, they didn’t even realize that something was off! You are just a goof to them!”

He stood, waiting for her strike. “You are a useless, helpless old fool.” Coran couldn’t see her, but in the end, he heard her sigh. “You can’t even help your charges.”

His eyes widened and Coran could feel his moustache straighten in horror. “Do not dare to touch them!”

Only a faint sound of laughter rang through the air.

***

Hunk was kneeling on the floor, his hands shaking and eyes full with tears, trying very hard to not throw up again. He stood up, wobbling, and tried to see where he had ended up but froze. This was a stage for one of their Voltron shows.

Hunk could feel the cold sweat drip down his back. It was exactly the same. The lights, the seats, oh the seats were full. And they were all looking at him quietly. Was Smile doing this? And if so, why?

Unsure what to do, Hunk raised his hand and waved, his face set in an awkward smile. Immediately, everyone started to laugh, making him flinch in surprise. He dropped his hand, and the laughter ended abruptly, leaving him reeling and feeling like he had imagined the whole thing.

“Uhm…? Where am I?” The laughter started again. Yeah, Hunk knew it wasn’t the smartest thing to say, but it wasn’t that funny! He took a step forward, but the laughter only got stronger.

In a burst of energy, Hunk ran towards the stage entry, but hit an invisible wall hard enough to fall on his ass. The volume of the laughter rose again. He once again struggled up and he had barely had time to straighten his back when a very familiar voice sounded behind him.

“Hello, Hunky-Hunk.” Hunk twirled around, feeling like his heart was going to burst.

“Lance?” There he was. No scar, grinning at him and looking like he was going to burst.

“I have missed you, Hunky-bear,” Hunk sobbed at hearing this and rushed towards him and enveloped him into a tight hug. He never wanted to let go.

After a moment Lance started to slap his back in the familiar I-am-gonna-choke signal, so Hunk reluctantly let him go. Distantly he realized that there was no laughter coming from the audience, but Lance was grinning at him and he wanted to believe this so much that it hurt.

But.

“What’s with the nicknames?”

Lance’s grin twitched slightly, but when he spoke, there was no hesitation. “I felt like it. It has been so long, I have been trying to speak to you but I couldn’t, she was…” Lance’s voice broke and Hunk could feel the nausea rise. He lifted his hand, covering his neck and turned away, unable to look at Lance.

Hunk swallowed, trying to keep the panic away, but Lance kept talking. “I hurt you, I hurt you so badly, I saw her do it. I can never forget how it felt to sink that blade into your neck, how it cut so cleanly, how you fell down and…”

Why wouldn’t he stop –

“She didn’t even care to look, she spared you no thought, she…”

Why was HE DOING THIS –

“And you are my best friend, you even fought Ryou when I – went away and…”

Wait. What?

Hunk took a step back, lowering his arm and taking a sturdier stance. “I didn’t tell you that.”

Lance – Smile, it must have been Smile – blinked at him. “Wh- I am Lance!”

“No, you aren’t,” the steel in his voice surprised even him. “I never told you that. I asked everyone to not to tell you that.” It was one of the things he was deeply ashamed about. If he had wanted Lance, or Tanja, to know about it, he would have told them about it himself.

The look on Smile’s face changed from terrified confusion to mildly annoyed in less than tick, confirming Hunk’s fear.

“Not as dumb as you look, eh?”

Hunk didn’t flinch, but it took an enormous amount of willpower. He raised his arms, ready to throw down, but Smile didn’t attack him. She just continued, like nothing he did was even remotely endangering for her. “Humorous Hunk. Big fat farting joke.”

Now he did flinch. He had been so relieved when the shows were over and he could drop that stupid act. Even now some people referred to him as that and he had to bite his tongue to not to snap at them.

Coran had apologized for it hundreds of times, but he hadn’t still fully forgiven him for that.

Smile looked like she knew exactly what he was thinking and relished on it. “None of them see it, don’t they? They don’t realize how it twists you, sours everything in your mouth and makes you want to crawl away to hide. They hurt you so much and don’t even care to realize it.”

This wasn’t right.

“You are nothing.”

***

Only practise made Keith able to keep his food down when everything suddenly cleared from the dark he had been thrust in. He had to rub his eyes to clear it from the spots, but when those faded, he could see that he was no longer in the rainy street but in the brightly lit hall of the castle. Shiro and Allura were talking at the side, while Hunk, Pidge and Coran were twiddling with some piece of machinery, having a lively argument. He couldn’t see Matt or Ryou anywhere.

He cleared his throat loudly, but they only waved at him, not stopping what they were doing. Keith could feel the uneasiness in his mind grow, but before he could do anything a pair of arms circled him and something soft pressed against his neck. Keith didn’t give himself time to think, he only moved and, in few moments, he had pinned that someone against the floor.

When he saw Lance blinking up at him, stunned, he froze. Around him everyone yelled, demanding to know what he was doing. “What the hell, mullet?” Lance’s indignant voice rang out and Keith let go of him in shock. Lance clambered up and Keith couldn’t peel his eyes off of him.

He looked well. He didn’t slump over like Smile had, and was glaring at him, not at all self-conscious of his scar.

“Why did you do that?!” Keith couldn’t answer. His mouth opened and closed, no sound coming out. Lance’s anger started to morph into concern, his mouth puckering up as he squinted at Keith. Keith could distantly hear the others quiet down, though he could only stare at Lance.

“Did you hit your head? You have never reacted like that when I kissed you before.”

KISSED?! That was a kiss?! Keith could feel his face go scarlet, making Lance’s confused expression strengthen with worry. Still he couldn’t speak.

Lance was moving towards him and kneeled on the ground where Keith was still sitting. Slowly he put his hand on his forehead. “You feel a bit hot, are you getting sick? That flush doesn’t look healthy.”

“I am fine,” Keith finally croaked out, his mind running on circles. Lance, here. Kissed him. Willingly. He was worried.

“You sure?”

Keith nodded, unsure if he could get any of the words out. Lance removed the palm of his hand from Keith’s forehead, but he didn’t have time to feel relieved before Lance put it on his cheek, turning his face so they were looking each other in the eyes.

Keith wished that the ground would swallow him up. This was not what he had been trained for.

Lance still looked concerned but leaned forward to give Keith’s cheek a gentle kiss, making him feel like he was going to burst into flames any tick now.

“Well if you are feeling well, I demand recompense for throwing me.” Lance was wearing the same grin he used to when he was planning mischief, and Keith couldn’t stop himself and went pale in dread. Lance saw this, his grin deepening.

“For the first payment, I demand…a massage!” Keith blinked in surprise, expecting something worse.

Lance walked towards one of the chairs, taking off his coat and revealing a tight t-shirt. Keith could feel his blush come back with vengeance, and Lance looked over his shoulder, smiling indulgently.

“I do have to wear this as there are children present. But the rest of the payment you will be giving in private.”

Keith huffed, trying to calm his heartrate and succeeding only partially. He stepped behind Lance and slowly put his hands on Lance’s shoulders and stood there for a while, unsure how to go on. Lance glared at him, urging him to continue, and Keith started to push his fingers on the muscles of Lance’s shoulders.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do, but Lance moaned appreciatively so he must not be doing terribly, though the moan made his heart stutter. While he concentrated on one tighter knot, a thought rammed into his head.

Children present? There were no children here. Even Pidge was already eighteen.

Lance might have been telling the same old joke, but why hadn’t Pidge protested it? Keith raised his gaze from Lance’s neck, trying to see if Pidge was still in the room. She was still talking to Hunk and Coran. Allura and Shiro were standing together, talking in the same tone.

Dread filled Keith’s stomach when he realized that none of them had even moved away from their original spots, not even when they had been yelling.

Not stopping to think, he wrapped his arm around Lance’s throat, putting him into a headlock. “What have you done, Smile!” he hissed loudly when Lance started to scratch his forearm in panic.

Lance stilled and spoke, even when Keith was cutting his air supply. “You people are seriously starting to piss me off.”

***

Pidge wanted this to be over. She really really did. She was standing in a completely white area, with no walls and no difference between ground and the sky. Pidge couldn’t get away from here either, and she hadn’t seen Smile the whole time. But she could hear her.

_Your brother can’t stand to stay, that’s why he always leaves._

_Two years, and you still haven’t found your father? He is dead, and you know it. There won’t even be a grave, his body turned into fertilizer. He must have been in terrible pain._

_He was so scared. He knew he was going to die, that you would fail to save him. He told you it wasn’t your fault, but he knew he was lying._

_He knew you killed him._

_And your poor mother, son and husband gone, and daughter missing? How could she bear to go on?_

Pidge kept her sobs in, desperately trying to find an edge or seam, something to make it all stop. Nothing seemed to work. Smile just kept whispering, every word inching into her heart and making it a bleeding mess.

Plugging her ears didn’t help, and closing her eyes made it even worse.

Then everything shuddered, and the whispers cut off. Pidge blinked, shocked, but they didn’t come back.

Then everything shuddered again. The view didn’t change, everything was still the empty whiteness, but it felt thinner. Frailer, almost.

Pidge grinned.

***

Somehow Shiro wasn’t surprised to end up back in the arena, fighting for his life.

It was pretty obvious. Smile seemed to want him to feel disoriented, or just screw with his mind, and what better idea there was than to create his longest trauma.

Knowing this didn’t make it any easier.

The enemy was a creature he had seen before, but never fought. It looked like a scorpion, and it clearly wasn’t sentient, but he had been fighting it for at least half an hour, not managing to break through its shell even once.

Neither of them were even getting tired.

The scorpion’s movements, even if they were fast, were predictable and always of the same type. The stand’s jeers were repetitive, and even if those had been such in real life, now they were more so.

Shiro wondered if Smile was having trouble controlling the situation he was in. Too many variables? Or was her mind split on the rest of the team’s memories? Shiro hoped not. He knew he was lucky, but if Smile had practically abandoned him into an endless, if boring, battle, he hesitated to think what she would be doing towards people she was more interested in.

Now if this overgrown arachnid would have the decency to fall over and die, he could concentrate on breaking out.

***

Allura was fighting Smile in front of the very familiar cryo pod, but only managing to make herself angrier every time when the woman wearing Lance’s skin dodged, laughing, and yelled mockingly, “You slept and they died. You slept and your father died. You have failed them all.”

Allura wanted to wring her neck. Smile just kept laughing, her movements becoming more fluid and sure, analysing Allura’s fighting style and anticipating her every shift.

Time to improvise then. Allura lurched forward, hitting her forehead against Smile’s face so hard that she could feel Smile’s blood leak into her hair. Allura grabbed onto her, twisting, but Smile managed to slither away, not stopping to cradle her clearly broken nose.

Yet when she spoke, her speech wasn’t affected by it at all. “You are nothing but a little girl playing at things much bigger than her, failing and falling.”

Allura lunged at her, but Smile moved around her easily, making her frustration grow.

“You have amounted to nothing; your father would be so disappointed.”

Allura couldn’t stop herself, she let out a very unprincesslike snort, making Smile stop talking and frown at her.

“That is your weapon? To make me feel like I have failed my father?” Allura grinned, baring her teeth at the other woman. “Then you have failed before you could even start.” Smile still had the upper hand on fighting, but Allura didn’t let her speak.

“You are projecting, aren’t you?” Any other time Allura would have felt guilty over using what Smile had unwittingly revealed to her and Shiro before, but now Lance and the universe’s future laid on their success here. She needed to weaken Smile.

“They treated you like a tool, turning you into a number. How old were you when they started to call you Smile? Did it make you feel like you belonged?”

“Shut up!” roared Smile, surprising Allura, making her loose her rhythm for a tick. Allura realized that she had never seen her look so genuine. She had succeeded in breaking her exterior.

Now if only she could survive it.

“You are alone. The Waranes haven’t searched for you, they abandoned you the moment you became a liability. You trust no one, you stand alone, and so you will fail over and over again.” Allura could taste the victory in her tongue.

“And we do not. We are separate, we are together. We are _Voltron_.” At that she reached deep inside her.

***

The moment Coran could feel Allura he sobbed, grabbing onto the energy and following the path it led.

***

When Allura’s energy touched Hunk’s, it felt like a window cleanser. A few squirts, his wipers going on and everything was much clearer.

Okay, that metaphor needed some thorough cleaning and modifying before he could tell it to anyone.

The people vanished, Smile was nothing more than a faded-out picture, her voice an annoying static.

Hunk took a deep breath, took a step forward. Then another. And another, until he stood next to Allura.

***

Keith was still strangling Smile when he heard Allura’s call. He looked at her, still speaking to Shiro, but immediately realized that this Allura was calling him through the bond. The fake Allura and the rest, even Smile, faded abruptly away, making him loose his balance and fall to the floor.

Keith stumbled up, cursing and uneasy. He tried to concentrate on what Allura was trying to say but could only feel her glee and her haste. Tentatively he reached for it and was plunged into a familiar warmth.

***

Pidge had barely managed to even begin to plan how to use the situation to her advantage, when a huge-ass tree appeared in front of her. Pidge blinked at it, surprised but not worried, which did concern her a little. The tree was nearly identical to the ones in Olkarion, but it’s vines looked exactly like the ones Green created.

Pidge couldn’t stop herself, she touched one of them and immediately knew that this was Allura’s doing. And she was calling her to fight.

Pidge widened her grin, grabbed a tighter hold on the vine and was transported to where Allura was.

***

Shiro was grateful when Allura gave him the way out. If possible, the battle had begun to get even more boring.

***

Allura, Coran, Hunk, Keith, Pidge and Shiro. Together they stood in front of Smile, whose mask was starting to crumble faster and faster, revealing her anger and fear.

“Give us Lance!” Allura yelled, making Smile take a step back. On her second step back, her skin started to flake off. Allura could hear Hunk gasp, but she couldn’t stop. Something was happening and she couldn’t let the momentum die.

“You have no room here,” declared Coran, his eyes steely.

Keith yelled, “Go away!”

Smile’s skin was falling faster, revealing an old woman, her hair white and short, face full of wrinkles. Her body was big and soft, and she looked like a sweet grandmother.

But her eyes gave it all away.

“Move!” “We want him back!” “Go away!” “Go away!” “GO AWAY!”

The emptiness around them shattered, leaving all of them in an official looking room. When three men – humans - appeared with a very familiar looking woman, Allura didn’t even have time to gasp when the memory hit her every cell, taking away her awareness and leaving only Smile’s.

***

_The mission had been a full success. It had been done significantly under the allocated time, and there had been no witnesses to dispose of._

_So she didn’t understand why she was called to the review._

_Her handler was there and she had given him her weapons at his urging. He seemed tense, stealing glances at the men in expensive suits. Even she had sneaked a look at them: they were all younger than her and carried the air of certain self-importance that told her that they were used to having their every command followed._

_Usually she only met those type of men when she was killing them._

_Curious._

_They kept talking about her, asking questions about her service, success rate and fitness. When they heard about her age – 86 last month apparently – they all flinched in surprise and their eyes got sharper._

_Her back was starting to hurt from the stance she was expected to be in, and she was starting to feel impatient. She wished nothing more than to go to her room to take a nap. The day had been long and she just got so tired nowadays._

_One of the men gave an order, talking about elimination and she perked up. A mission? Already? Her handler nodded, grabbed her gun from the table, turned and shot her._

_She didn’t even realize what was happening until she was bleeding on the ground. In shock, she stared at the back of her handler. He had shot her and now he was leaving._

_“-k a- me”_

_Look at me!_

_Nothing. She had given them everything, she had never been nothing but their tool and had never desired anything more and now… They wouldn’t even look at her when she died._

_The pain kept swallowing her and then she was gone._

_There was nothing. She was nothing. She was gone. There was nothing to see, nothing to hear, nothing to feel._

_There was a consciousness and the sudden knowledge of ‘Second chance.’_

_Then there was light and she was gone._

_And a baby boy cried._

***

Someone grabbed at him, forcing him out of the memory, making Keith feel sick and shudder, hold his stomach and expect to feel blood. Cold sweat dripped from his forehead on the ground while he bent over and gave in, puking. Keith could hear someone doing the same thing next to him, so he turned, expecting Hunk. He felt only mild surprise when he realized that it was Coran, his eyes dripping and his breath hitching.

Keith couldn’t handle it. Smile was – what? Lance’s previous incarnation?

It felt like a bad novel plot. And that being – what was it? Was it really there?

Keith sobbed, every emotion coming at him at once, leaving him wanting to fight, cry or run all at once.

This all made no sense. Pidge was saying something, but her voice was so high-pitched and she was speaking so quickly that he couldn’t make out what.

“I do hate that memory.”

Keith didn’t even stop to think, he leaped up, twirling around into a fighting stance, baring his teeth and ready to tear someone apart. From the corner of his eyes he could see everyone in similar positions, all except the woman in front of him.

Smile was looking just like when she had died, an old, grandmotherly looking woman who exuded an air of kindness and harmlessness. The only thing betraying that image was a bleeding gunshot wound in her stomach.

She smiled at them, ignoring their anger and willingness to tear her apart.

“I have been curious why I ended up in his body,” Her smile changed into a vicious grin while she looked at them. “I did find out how he died from your memories.” Keith flinched at that, feeling sick. He hadn’t had time to think how she had – dwelled into his, all of their minds, and the thought made him feel sick. Smile seemed to brighten at their reactions, blithely continuing, “But I have wondered on the connection, considering the time between us.”

The air around them rippled, revealing a blurry image of a brown-skinned woman. “I am curious to see what kind of person he was.” Then she stepped into the image, leaving all of them gaping at her.

Shiro was the first to pull himself together. “We need to follow her!”

“She went into Lance’s memories, it will be even more of a breach of privacy and trust!” Allura warned, but she was already walking towards the still image, Coran following her.

“If we don’t succeed, there won’t be a Lance who could be angry at us,” Pidge yelled, looking like she was ready to burst.

Hunk only shrugged and gave out a small wet laugh. “I already read his diary, better go all out.”

Keith could feel Shiro’s eyes on him, so he swallowed his apprehension, took a deep breath and stepped forward.

***

This was nothing like in Smile’s mind. The memories were faster, less detailed and immersive.

Keith felt grateful at that, but even now, watching Lance play with his older sisters, cry about a broken arm and…

Funeral. Lance’s father was dead too?

The moment his mind attached itself to that image he was sucked into it, everyone following him. Keith let out a curse, but it was too late.

It was a sunny day, and very warm considering how people appeared to be sweating in their black clothes. Lance was in the front row, glaring at the casket, eyes dry and furious. He looked to be moments away from a temper tantrum.

A woman who Keith realized was his mother, cried silently next to him, slumping slightly. She blew her nose, the noise making Lance turn, the mulish expression falling from his face. He slipped his hand into hers, squeezing it, and his mother’s sobs softened.

Keith looked away, feeling like he was interrupting and desperately wanting to get away. Then he saw Smile standing at the edge of the crowd, unreadable expression on her face. Keith didn’t stop to think, he rushed towards her, ready to throw her down. Hunk was yelling something at her, but Keith couldn’t make out what. He sounded furious.

When he was in striking distance, he could hear her mutter, “Interesting,” and then everything faded away.

***

Shiro stood uneasily on the edge of small cliff, looking down. The sea was blue and inviting, but Shiro couldn’t vanish the feeling of dread that kept trying to take over. Behind him, the rest of the team were moving around, confused on what was going to happen. To add to their anxiety, Smile had once again disappeared.

Loud voices appeared suddenly, but Shiro knew immediately that one of them was Lance. He didn’t sound distressed, but rather excited, exclaiming something in rapid Spanish. It had been years when he had studied it, and the Cuban dialect made it even more difficult, so he could only catch few words. He was talking to his… sisters? And uncle?

The group Lance was with was small, and they were all already wet and wearing swimsuits. When Lance saw the cliff, he whooped, sprinted, and jumped. Shiro and rest of the team’s horrified screams mixed with Lance’s sister’s, though when he looked down at the cliff and saw Lance swim lazily in circles, Shiro realized that she had been angry rather than scared. She was still berating him, judging from her tone, when she jumped and hit the water in a loud splash. The rest of their entourage followed suit, seemingly competing who could make the biggest splash or the silliest looking jump.

Shiro was still waiting for the other shoe to drop when everything faded out and the memories once again sped up.

***

Hunk was nosy. He knew it. Everyone knew it. He had never really worked on actually changing this.

But this whole trip was starting to really push even his limits.

The moment they all witnessed Lance’s first kiss, a boy in junior high, and man, did Keith actually perk up at seeing it? Any other time Hunk would have teased him, but right now there was a bad taste in his mouth. He wanted out, but there was no other way except through. Sometimes he thought he could see Smile at the corner of his eye, but whenever he turned to look, she was gone.

Oh, Garrison admission letters. Lots of crying, smiling and an actual party? Now he was feeling jealous. He had only gotten a cake and money he could use for whatever he wanted.

Aaand even more crying. Lance was leaving? Why were there so many jumps? What decided which memories were chosen?

Oh. OH. He knew what was going to happen now.

Lance was standing in his room, vibrating in excitement, when the door opened and he walked in. Hunk squinted. Had he really looked like that? So… innocent? Hunk shuffled, unsure how to feel. They were introducing themselves, picking up bunks, talking about their families…

It felt like it was so long ago.

***

Keith bit his cheek. The first year of the Garrison. He had been so immersed in his own world that he hadn’t even remembered who was in his class. Only Shiro had managed to get him out of his shell, but he had left for the Kerberos mission before he had managed to bully Keith into making some friends.

And… Lance was looking at him. A lot. Keith blushed, fiddling with his gloves and when Shiro gave him a knowing look, Keith glared at him, silently begging for him to not to say anything.

Then the results for who was going to be a fighter or cargo pilot. Keith hadn’t really been surprised, he had known that he would be making the fighter pilot class, but Lance…

Three points. He had been three points away. Seeing him cry in his bed, with Hunk desperately trying to help him, made him feel guilty. He wanted to fight, but there was no one to fight. This was in the past, there was no one at fault, and it would be useless.

Keith could see all of them wanting to comfort Lance, and all of them feeling helpless for not being able to.

More and more things that Keith knew kept appearing, but now being seen from Lance’s point of view. Kerberos failure, when it had been so devastating for him was only a tragic accident for Lance, something to feel sad about but without the visceral, painful loss that it had been for Keith.

Then he made it into fighter class, and the joyful screams he made when he heard it were probably heard on the other side of the Garrison.

Except the others were far more advanced in their classes, things he had learnt in cargo pilot course were only partially applicable, and he kept falling behind. Dozens of nights spent cramming, being exhausted on the next day and failing because of it, collapsing once in the hallway and having to end up in the infirmary, Iverson yelling at him, trying to make him shape up…

Lance had never told him about this. Even Pidge looked shocked, but Hunk’s face was grim and unsurprised. Keith wanted to yell at him, to ask if it had really been like that but nothing came out of his mouth.

Keith knew it was going to happen at one point, but it still took him by surprise to see himself. He didn’t frown that much, right?

Seeing the memories he actually did remember felt boring, but Keith tried to keep his eyes sharp, trying not to miss anything. The explosion that knocked Lance out made him feel sick. Had it really been that powerful?

Then Lance was shooting Sendak in the back and Keith saw himself cradling… Lance…

That son of a bitch remembered!

Hunk was giggling wetly next to him, but Keith ignored him. He remembered! He lied! Why?! Keith bit his lip, feeling hurt. He didn’t even see Shiro move, only felt him put his arm on his shoulder and squeeze comfortingly.

More and more familiar missions appeared, and then Shiro disappeared, making Keith sneak a look at him. Shiro was pale, his eyes glued to the memories, seeing all they had done in his absence.

Then That Mission came. Pidge and Hunk were crying, Hunk covering his eyes but Keith couldn’t look away. Lance was terrified, but still trying to comfort Pidge, but then…

It was quick.

Memories disappeared and Smile appeared, looking more uneasy than he had ever seen her. She kept looking at them, her gaze flitting from one to another, her wound still bleeding.

“oh…”

Keith tensed. He knew that voice. They all knew it.

Lance appeared in between them and Smile. They all stepped back, even Smile, their eyes widening and jaws falling.

It really looked like Lance, except… His hands were blackened stumps, his chest was a mess and his face…

The scar was ugly, but it was even uglier before it had healed.

“…what are you doing here…?” His voice was thin and frail, and Keith had to concentrate on hearing it.

Allura was the first to gather her wits. “We are here to take you back home.”

Lance shuddered, not looking like he had heard them. “…hurts…”

Allura tensed but started to walk towards him. Keith took a step forward too, but a look from Shiro quelled him.

“Please Lance, we all miss you, please come back with us!” Allura was pleading. Keith couldn’t remember a time when he heard the proud princess plead.

“…please let me go, it hurts…”

Tears were falling down Allura’s cheeks, and Keith’s breath got stuck in his chest. Hunk let out a mournful wail, but Lance didn’t react. He just got fainter.

Before they could do anything, Smile had managed to sneak next to Lance ( _how, they were all looking at him!_ ) and put her hand on his arm. Lance shuddered, but now he seemed more solid and looked directly at them.

“…What?” Even his voice was stronger. “You are!?” Lance exclaimed when seeing Smile. She just smiled sadly.

“I am you that was.”

Lance blinked, growing more and more solid. “Yes, you are.” Keith realized that now Smile was fading away.

“I was never meant to be here.” Smile sounded so sad, and Keith didn’t want to feel compassion towards her.

“No, you weren’t. But you saved my life.”

Smile grinned. “Not on purpose.”

“I know.”

“Look at me,” she was begging.

“I will.”

Her smile faded, but there was calm. Then she was gone.

Lance fell to his knees, and it felt like a spell was lifted. They all rushed towards him, desperate to know if he was really there. Keith’s hand hit Lance on the side, in his excitement he hadn’t really regulated his strength and speed.

“Ow.” Lance grumbled tiredly, making Keith blush.

“Sorry”, he mumbled, but Lance only shrugged, looking like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Then Hunk grabbed him into a huge hug, lifting him up and ignoring the still oozing wounds, and promptly burst into tears. Lance laid his face on Hunk’s neck, lying limply and not acting like he was in pain. He wasn’t fighting the hug, so Shiro tapped his back, his voice stuck in his throat while Pidge took advantage of Hunk’s lifting by falling onto her knees and hugging Lance’s legs. Allura was carding her fingers through Lance’s hair, eyes glittering.

Coran smiled, his own tears falling down and making the edges of his moustache wet. “Let’s take you back home.” Lance only nodded.

***

Shiro hadn’t thought that getting out of Lance’s mind would be worse than getting in, but the universe seemed to be in opinion to prove him wrong as often as possible. The sound of his own puking was far too loud, especially when he realized that he was the only one doing it. Even Hunk’s stomach was behaving.

That’s it, the universe really wasn’t fair, he grumbled and gagged out stomach fluids. Ryou was patting his back, trying not to obviously laugh, but Shiro knew his face. Ryou seemed to realize that Shiro knew, so he gave him a wide, teasing grin. But Shiro also recognized the worry in his eyes.

When his stomach had settled enough, he looked towards Lance. He was still asleep, but Coran said that he was showing signs of waking up and it would only take few doboshes. And that it was definitely Lance’s quintessence and they had succeeded. Shiro stood up shakily and walked towards him where everyone else was already, Ryou being his gleeful and cautious shadow.

When he sat down on one of the free chairs, Lance’s breathing changed slightly and his eyes started to flutter. Pidge gasped somewhere to his right, and then Lance’s eyes opened. He blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision and rasped out, “Shiro?”

Hunk was crying, Keith looked like he was ready to burst in happiness and a general, though very quiet pandemonium happened. Shiro smiled, happiness welling up inside him. “Yeah.”

“Am I,” Lance coughed, trying to sit up. Allura helped him, and when he was more upright he continued, “There are two of you?”

Shiro blinked, and Ryou let out a bark of laughter. Pidge grinned mischievously and said, “Oh, there are so many things to catch you up on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to chop some pieces off at the end because I realized that I wouldn't be ready at the deadline, but those pieces will become a sequel. ^^ So some questions will be answered there.
> 
> Yes, I have emotions over Hunk's treatment in the Voltron Show. That whole episode gives me them.
> 
> I have always had this image of an overweight female assassin in my head and I am so happy to be able to use it in this fic. ^^
> 
> Please tell me what you thought! Favourite scenes? What shocked you? What affected you? Anything! This was my first multichapter fic and I really REALLY want to know!
> 
> My writing tumblr: https://floranna2writes.tumblr.com/  
> Still a WIP.


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